If you're buying a home on your own after a separation, the house is your second decision. The first is working out what you can afford on one income, and that number is rarely the one printed on your pre-approval.

I learned this during my first divorce, at the kitchen table with a pile of investment statements I had never once read. My client, Sarah, learned it in her financial planner's office. Hers went better than mine. Fewer tears, and nobody ate a sleeve of cookies at midnight. At least, not that I know of.

Sarah had spent most of her adult life letting other people handle the money. Divorce ended that arrangement. Before her settlement was final, she met with her planner at least twice to understand her investments, what emergency cash she could reach, and what she could carry by herself. "For the first time in my adult life, I had to budget every penny spent," she told me.

Get the real budget

A lender will tell you what you qualify for. Treat that as a ceiling. Your actual budget has to cover property taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance, retirement savings, kids, cars, groceries, and the furnace that quits the week before Christmas.

Furnaces have the gift of “perfect” timing. Keep an emergency fund you don't touch, and leave enough room that you still get to have a life.

If you're separating, the timing of your Separation Agreement can have a major impact on financing. Lenders may need documentation around support obligations, property division and existing mortgage liabilities before they can fully assess what you qualify for. 

Get pre-approved early

For Sarah, the pre-approval was the turning point. She had spent months expecting to be "financially steamrolled." When the numbers came back, she was in better shape than she had feared, and the worry turned into what she called "confident anticipation." Fear does very well when it has no facts to contend with, so go get the facts.

When the traditional bank didn't give her what she needed, I introduced her to a mortgage professional who found another route quickly. One bank saying no is only one bank saying no.

Write your non-negotiables down

Sarah wrote out, on actual paper, what she would and wouldn't compromise on. It was a shorter list than she'd ever made, because this purchase had one job: create as much stability as possible for her two young daughters. Their school district, the distance to their other home, a neighbourhood they knew. "My girls were the only factor in my decision," she said.

That list saved her from a mistake. She fell for a beautiful house across the city that checked almost every box except the one that mattered. It sat outside the girls' school area, and buying it would have meant a lot of extra driving every week, eating into after-school time and family dinners when everyone already had plenty to adjust to. She let it go.

We went back to a smaller house she had already seen. A few hundred square feet less, and no ensuite. It kept the girls in their school and both homes close together. It had a backyard, room for the greenhouse she wanted, and space downstairs where her parents could stay over instead of making the two-hour drive home. It also had a sunny front window that she claimed for the Christmas tree on the spot. Location beat square footage - it wasn't even a close race.

Watch the timing

This is where Sarah's purchase got tricky. She found the house before her Separation Agreement was signed. Making an offer at that stage is risky: if the agreement stalls, your financing and your closing can stall with it. I've written before about a deal that ran into exactly that. We extended the conditions by a week to give us the extra time.

Sarah went ahead with her lawyers involved at every step, and they made sure the right documents were in hand when the deal needed them. The agreement was signed, the offer was accepted, the deposit was paid, and the mortgage was approved. She admits she was terrified her ex could stall and spoil it, and that fear was reasonable. 

The short version

• Meet with a financial planner and learn your full picture.
• Budget for what you can sustain, not what you qualify for.
• Get pre-approved before you fall in love with a house.
• If one lender says no, explore other options with a qualified mortgage professional.
• Write down your non-negotiables and let them overrule your heart.
• Sort out the legal timing before you make an offer.

Next month in Part Two, I’ll share what Sarah learned that had nothing to do with mortgage rates or square footage - plus a few things I wish someone had told me when I was starting over myself.