Maggie Horsburgh – Sales Representative

The Roommate You Never Wanted (But Can't Afford to Lose)

Wed, 18 Mar 2026 20:32:21 GMT

Living with your spouse while going through divorce

Let me paint you a picture. It's 7:15 on a Tuesday morning. You're standing at the coffee maker in your bathrobe, bleary-eyed, and in walks the person you're currently paying a lawyer to negotiate against. They grab a mug. You grab yours. Someone mumbles "morning". And then you both stare at your phones in silence until one of you escapes to the shower.

Welcome to one of the most surreal and emotionally confusing experiences divorce has to offer: the in-house separation.

Trust me, I've been there. And if you're in this situation right now, know that you are absolutely not alone.

Nobody wants to live with their ex-in-progress. But many people end up doing it anyway, and the reasons are almost always the same.

Money is the big one. Running two households is brutally expensive, especially when you're already staring down legal fees. The housing market in Ontario isn't exactly handing out affordable rentals, and tapping into your equity means selling the house, which takes time.

So you wait. Together. Separately. Whatever you want to call it…. it's hard.

Then there are the kids. Neither parent wants to be the one who "left". Both parents want to be there for homework, for bedtime, for the ordinary Tuesday moments that make up a childhood. That instinct is completely healthy, even if the arrangement that comes with it is anything but easy.

And sometimes? Neither of you actually has the legal right to force the other one out. Both spouses have an equal right to stay in the matrimonial home in Ontario unless a court order says otherwise. So until something officially changes, you're both there, coexisting.

The Honest Pros

While no one would choose this arrangement, there are a few practical upsides to sticking it out under one roof, at least for a while.

The financial breathing room is real. One mortgage, one set of utility bills, one Netflix password (fight that battle another day). It buys you time to get your ducks in a row before you're carrying the full cost of your next chapter alone.

For the kids, continuity matters more than we sometimes give it credit for. Both parents showing up at breakfast and dinner, even if things are awkward, sends a quiet message to children that they haven't lost either parent. That counts for something.

And here's an unexpected one: the discomfort of living together can actually speed up your settlement. When every morning feels a little heavy, you become surprisingly motivated to have the conversations, attend the meetings, and take the steps needed to move on.

The Honest Cons

Now for the part you already know in your bones.

It is stressful . Full stop.

Sharing a space with someone you're grieving, resenting, or simply trying to detach from emotionally is exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it.

You're not married anymore, but you're not free yet. You're in this bizarre in-between place where the rules of the relationship have changed, but the address hasn't.

Sometimes living under the same roof can blur emotional lines. A shared laugh or an easy conversation can feel like a step backward… or forward, depending on where each of you stands. One person may start to feel hopeful, while the other has already moved on. That quiet mismatch can be one of the hardest parts of all.

Arguments happen. And when they happen in front of the kids, the guilt is awful. Kids are sponges. They feel the tension even when you think you're hiding it.

There's also the healing problem. Moving forward emotionally is nearly impossible when the source of your pain is literally sleeping down the hall. Every attempt at a "fresh start" feels hollow when you're still sharing a kitchen.

How to Actually Survive It

Think of it less like a marriage and more like a business arrangement with a roommate you happened to love once.

Separate bedrooms are non-negotiable. Your room is your sanctuary. Guard it.

Divide up the household jobs clearly, ideally in writing, so you're not silently seething over whose turn it is to buy dish soap. Keep your finances completely separate starting now.

And please, please , no new romantic partners in the house while this is unfolding. That is a grenade with the pin already pulled.

Communicate about logistics. Kids, bills, the house sale. That's the list.

For example: "I’ll handle groceries and school drop-offs. You take care of utilities and evenings." Simple. Clear. Less room for friction.

Save the bigger emotional conversations for your therapist or your best friend over a glass of wine.

Ground Rules That Save Sanity

No discussing the relationship in shared spaces
No “dropping in” on each other’s rooms
Keep a shared calendar for kid logistics
Decide who pays for what (mortgage, utilities, etc.) so your credit score stays intact

One More Thing

If you're selling the home as part of the divorce, the stakes of this arrangement get even higher. How you present the house, how you cooperate on showings, how you manage offers together. It all affects your bottom line in real and significant ways.

That's where having the right people in your corner makes all the difference. But that's a blog post for another day.

This chapter is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

For now, go make yourself a coffee. Maybe buy a second coffee maker. Seriously. Best investment you'll make this year.

Renovating With Your Spouse

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 19:42:51 GMT

The Home Is Not The Only Thing Getting Exposed

Renovating with your spouse is like marriage with extra dust and sharper objects. It will expose every strength, every weakness, and that one wildly irrational opinion about grout you didn’t know they had.

As a real estate agent who specializes in divorce situations, I’ve watched houses and marriages get “demo’d” at the same time. And as someone who has been divorced twice and is currently renovating with my husband, I can tell you: the mess on the floor is never as interesting as the mess that shows up between you.

You Don’t Just Renovate The House

When couples tell me, "We never fight," I always think, "You've clearly never done a renovation together." Renovations crank up the volume on everything already in your relationship: communication, money habits, control issues, and how each of you handles stress.

On paper, my husband and I should be a dream team. He's meticulous, reads every manual from front to back, and is detail-obsessed. I’m the project-management queen — timelines, budgets, colour-coded lists — skills that have kept clients out of court and on speaking terms.

Then we moved. And started renovating. And I got a front‑row seat to something I also see in my divorcing clients: your partner’s strengths can flip into liabilities under pressure.

The Discovery: Overwhelmed Husband, Accidental General Contractor Wife

Here’s the personal bit. In our recent move, I just assumed my husband would naturally handle on‑site renovation logistics. After all, he’s the detail guy. Give him a task, and he’ll do it beautifully. I was happy to take a step back.

Then reality hit: boxes everywhere, trades calling, decisions piling up like laundry. While brilliant with details, multiple priorities under time pressure can jam the system.

Picture this:

The electrician asks which wall we want the light switches placed on
The plumber needs a decision on the vanity - one sink or two
The framer points out that the rough-in opening for the new window is two feet higher than we designed.
The movers are loading the POD at the other house — which boxes need to come off first?
Do we want one coat of primer or two
The flooring we ordered is out of stock — and the installer texted that he’s coming two days early

Faced with all this, my husband doesn’t melt down. He goes into what I call "system overload."

Everything feels equally urgent. Instead of calmly thinking, "I'll handle A, then B," it’s more like, "Why are all 26 letters demanding answers right now?"

Precision under pressure — admirable, until the electrician is standing in the hallway waiting for a decision about the pot-lights.

So I did what many spouses do in renovations: I stepped in to help create structure. Not because he’s incapable. But when multiple priorities collide with time pressure, his desire to do things properly can slow the moment down.

In our case, it made sense for me to quietly manage the sequencing and timelines behind the scenes, even while he remained the visible point person on site.

But even healthy arrangements can create tension. There’s a fine line between "I've got this part" and the occasional, uncharitable inner whisper of, "Why does this feel like a circus — and why am I holding the clipboard?"

Trades, Fractions, and "Lost in Translation"

Here's the truth: I can hover over a project and prioritize the moving parts quickly. They're all important, but I'd rather spend 15 focused minutes getting four trades back to work with clear direction, and circle back to the kitchen guy to debate island placement.

And here's the other truth: my husband speaks the language of a tradesman. I'm constantly amazed at how seamlessly he can move walls, wiring, and ductwork in his mind — bringing our vision to life with precision and making it look far easier than it has any right to be.

Here's another truth about renovations: tradespeople are perfectly happy to talk to me — asking questions, explaining processes, walking me through measurements — even when I specifically say, "You really should be telling Dan this." They nod politely... then continue.

While they're confidently tossing around ¼, ⅛, and 1/16th measurements and debating the thickness of hardwood versus ceramic tile, I'm still quietly converting my halves into sixteenths so I can keep up. There's a small math class happening in my head, and I am barely passing. With a calculator. And possibly prayer.

Even when I say, "You really should be telling Dan this," they carry on as though I'm fully qualified to relay the information later. I am not. If the message involves fractions or phrases like "we’ll sister the joists" or "check the deflection rating", it will not survive the trip. I am smiling. I am nodding. I am retaining nothing.

Ever seen Lost in Translation?

Yes. That's me. Standing in a cloud of sawdust, nodding confidently, retaining absolutely nothing — except the overwhelming sense that I should be wearing a hard hat for emotional protection.

One day the HVAC company owner was brought in and asked to speak with me about the ductwork. He invited me over to the family room so he could explain their "out-of-the-box" ductwork installation — assuring me it would be aesthetically pleasing.

Out of the box... Aesthetically pleasing... The exact words I had said to my husband the night before.

And yet, there I stood, mouth slightly open, as this man enthusiastically described airflow patterns and creative soffit solutions, with my husband hovering behind him wearing a grin so wide it could have powered the furnace.

He knew. He knew I couldn’t believe my ears.

Because while I absolutely care about whether ductwork is visually offensive, once the explanation shifts from "it'll look clean" to static pressure and vent placement strategy, I'm emotionally no longer in the room. I am just a woman who asked for pretty ceilings.

The irony is, the details he catches protect us from expensive missteps, and my comfort with making timely decisions keeps things moving forward.

Together, it works — even if it's occasionally loud.

The Funny (And Slightly Annoying) Lessons Renovations Teach You

Here’s what I've learned, both personally and from watching couple after couple slug it out over backsplash choices:

Visionary vs Finisher.
I'm great at big-picture thinking; he catches the details I'd bulldoze right past. Together we're powerful, but mid-reno, it's easy to see each other as "reckless" or "nitpicky".
Who can prioritize... and who sees flames.
When 10 things are on fire, one of you naturally triages. The other might simply see flames. My husband cares so much about getting it right that he can't always sort out "good enough for now" from "must be perfect today".
Default Project Manager.
That's often me — quietly behind the scenes. I make quick decisions, map out sequencing, and keep things moving while supporting my partner. But the trades hear direction from him. I structure; he executes. Balance maintained.
Control Issues.
I won’t lie: some of my "step in" moments come from a desire for control. High-stress real estate experience makes hesitation painful to watch. Tempting as it is to say, "I'll do everything". That's efficient for the project but terrible for the marriage. I've learned to sit back, breathe, and let him lead.

Renovation Or Divorce? The Line Is Thinner Than You Think

Here's the part where my divorce‑real‑estate brain kicks in. The patterns you see in a renovation often mirror the patterns that show up when couples separate:

One person is the organizer, the coordinator, the decision‑maker.
The other is overwhelmed, conflict‑avoidant, or freezes under pressure.
Resentment quietly builds: “Why am I always the one holding everything together?”

I've seen divorcing couples realize, "This is just like the kitchen reno..." The reno wasn't the cause of the divorce — it revealed the imbalance.

In my current marriage, the renovation has been a bit of a warning light. Not "we’re headed for divorce", but "hey, pay attention". We need to really see each other.

I know that if I simply take over and treat my husband like another one of my subcontractors, I'll eventually resent him, or he'll resent me. If he quietly steps back every time things get complex, he'll eventually feel useless. That is not the dynamic either of us wants.

How To Survive A Reno (And Stay Married)

If you're about to embark on a renovation - or you're in the middle of one and wondering when exactly your blood pressure doubled - here are a few pragmatic thoughts:

Decide who the project manager is on purpose, not by default. It's okay if one of you leads, but talk about it and agree on it.
Play to strengths without weaponizing them. "You’re better with details, can you handle the fixtures list?" is very different from "You can't handle anything big, just pick a faucet."
Break decisions into categories: "urgent today", "this week", "sometime before drywall". It helps the overwhelmed partner stay in the game.
Watch your narrative about your spouse. "He's useless" or "she's controlling" will outlast the reno if you let it.

The house will eventually be finished. The dust will settle. The contractors will leave. What remains is the partnership that just went through renovation boot camp.

If you can look back and laugh at who triaged the chaos, who froze at the fractions, who hovered, who bulldozed — and talk about it honestly — the relationship can come out stronger than the backsplash.

Renovations don't create cracks in a marriage. They reveal the ones that were already there. The good news? They also reveal the reinforcement beams.

The Pause Button: What to Consider Before You Say "I Want a Divorce"

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 15:34:52 GMT

You've said the words outloud. Maybe they tumbled out during an argument, or maybe you'd been rehearsing them for months. Either way, they're out there now, hanging in the air like smoke after fireworks. And suddenly, instead of feeling relieved, you're terrified. Did I just blow up my entire life?

If this sounds familiar, take a breath. You're not alone, and you're definitely not crazy.

I've been exactly where you are. Twice, actually. And as someone who now helps divorcing couples navigate the real estate maze in Ontario, I can tell you that the panic you're feeling right now? It's actually a good sign. It means you're taking this seriously.

The Questions Nobody Wants to Ask

Before you move forward (or backward), there are some hard questions you need to sit with. Not the "does he still love me?" kind of question, but the practical, unglamorous realities that will shape your actual life after divorce.

Can you afford to live alone? I'm not talking about scraping by on ramen noodles. I mean really afford it. Housing costs in Ontario aren't getting any cheaper, and what works for two incomes rarely works for one. When my first marriage ended, I thought I had it all figured out — until I discovered I couldn’t qualify for a mortgage on my income alone. Suddenly, I was relying on the kindness of friends for a place to live.

Run the real numbers. What's your income versus your expenses? What will child support or spousal support look like? Can you buy out your spouse's share of the matrimonial home, or will you need to sell and split the proceeds? Talk to a financial advisor before you talk to a lawyer. Trust me on this.

Where will you actually live? This is my wheelhouse, and it's messier than people think. If you own a home together, someone's moving out. Who? When? How will you divide the equity? What if you want to stay but can't afford the mortgage payments alone? What if the market softens and you’re suddenly sharing a house with your ex for months while it sells?

I've seen couples who planned to "figure it out later" end up in nightmare scenarios - living in separate bedrooms, fighting over thermostats, stuck in limbo. I’ve even seen the Ex pushed into living with the in-laws! These are not edge cases - they are common. Have the housing conversation early, even if it’s uncomfortable. Especially if it’s uncomfortable.

Do you have a support system? And I don't mean your mom who says, "I never liked him anyway." I mean people who will help you move, watch your kids when you need to ugly cry, or lend you money for a damage deposit. Divorce is expensive and exhausting. You will need backup — emotionally, practically, and sometimes financially.

When I went through my first divorce, I learned the hard way that some friendships don't survive the split. People take sides. Mutual friends disappear. That’s why it matters to pause and make sure you have your own people — not just cheerleaders, but steady, reliable support — before everything shifts.

The Emotional Inventory

Here's the thing nobody tells you: divorce doesn't fix everything. If you're miserable because of your marriage, great. Leave. But if you're miserable because of deeper issues like depression, unfulfilling work, or loneliness? Those are coming with you like broken luggage.

Ask yourself honestly: Am I leaving because this relationship is broken, or am I running away from myself?

The Kids Factor

If you have children, their world is about to shift. They'll need stability, consistency, and maybe some therapy. Can you co-parent with this person? What will custody look like? How will you handle holidays, school events, birthday parties?

The Practical Reality Check

Give yourself permission to feel uncertain. Asking for a divorce and then freaking out doesn't mean you're weak or indecisive. It means you're human and you're realizing the weight of what you're doing.

But here's what you can't do: you can't unring this bell and pretend nothing happened.

Whether you move forward with the divorce or choose to try to rebuild your marriage, that conversation has changed things. If you stay, it will likely require counselling and real, mutual commitment to change. If you leave, you need a plan — emotionally, legally, and practically.

Final Thoughts: Moving Forward (Whatever That Means)

Take time to think, but don't let yourself get stuck. Talk to professionals: a lawyer, a financial advisor, a therapist. If property is involved, speak with a real estate agent - not the one who’s eager to sell your house, but the one who wants to know if you have a place to land first. Get information so you can make informed decisions, not panicked ones.

And remember: making a mistake isn't the end of the world. I've made plenty. What matters is what you do next.

If you’re facing a divorce and feeling unsure about what to do with your home, I’m always happy to talk through your situation and help you understand your options.

The Double Whammy of Divorce and Immigration

Wed, 26 Nov 2025 21:21:04 GMT

You know that feeling when you’re trying to assemble IKEA furniture with instructions in three languages, none of which you fully understand? That’s kind of what going through a divorce as an immigrant feels like, except the stakes are way higher than a wobbly bookshelf.

I facilitated a support group recently, and the stories I heard broke my heart. One gentleman shared how his wife left him, taking their kids, and suddenly he found himself utterly alone in a country that still felt foreign. No extended family down the street. No childhood friends to call at 2 am when the loneliness got unbearable. Just him, his confusion about Canadian family law, and a whole lot of painful questions.

This hit close to home for me. I’ve been divorced twice. Both of those marriages were to immigrants, one from the former Yugoslavia and another from Scotland. So I’ve seen firsthand how immigration and divorce create this perfect storm of complications that can absolutely flatten you if you’re not prepared.

Here’s the thing about divorce that nobody tells you until you’re in it: it’s complicated enough when both people grew up with the same legal system. But when you’re an immigrant? You’re navigating a legal process you might not fully understand, in a language that might not be your first, with cultural expectations that might clash with Canadian norms.

Cross-border divorces add layers of complexity that can make your head spin. Different countries have different laws about custody, property division, and support payments. Sometimes you’re dealing with two legal systems that don’t play nicely together.

Then there’s the isolation. When someone born in Canada goes through a divorce, there’s usually a network: parents nearby, siblings, childhood friends, decades of community.

Immigrants often don’t have that luxury. They left their families behind to build a new life here. And when that life falls apart, who do you call? Your mom, who’s eight time zones away? Your best friend who can’t afford to fly over? The loneliness can be crushing.

I watched this play out with clients over the years. One woman told me she stayed in an unhealthy marriage far longer than she should have because the thought of being completely alone in Canada terrified her more than staying with someone who made her miserable. That’s not uncommon. When you don’t know where else to turn, sometimes you stay put, even when you shouldn’t.

Here’s something I didn’t expect to deal with: name changes. I had a client recently, an immigrant who wanted to change his last name after his divorce. For him, it wasn’t just about distancing himself from his ex. It was wrapped up in questions about identity, belonging, and what “home” even meant anymore.

I told him what I wish someone had told me during my divorces: don’t make big decisions when you’re in the thick of the emotional chaos. Your name connects you to your heritage, your family, your story. Yes, it might also remind you of your ex, but give yourself time before you cut that tie.

Cultural expectations complicate this too. In some countries, women don’t take their husband’s name at all. In others, it’s expected. Coming to Canada — and then going through a divorce — means figuring out not just what the law allows, but what feels right for you personally and culturally.

And then there’s the immigration status. If your status in Canada is tied to your spouse, divorce can genuinely threaten your future here. Imagine dealing with heartbreak while also wondering if you’ll be forced to leave the place you’ve been trying to build a life.

I’m not an immigration lawyer, so I always tell people to get proper legal advice on both the family law and immigration sides. These two areas of law intersect in ways that can blindside you if you’re not careful.

Here’s some advice:

First , get help. Find a divorce or immigration lawyer who can help with your situation. Don’t try to navigate this alone.

Second , find your people. Support groups, community organizations, cultural associations - whatever it takes to build a network. You need people who understand what you’re going through.

Third , be patient with yourself. You’re not just dealing with a divorce. You’re dealing with a divorce while being far from home, possibly in your second or third language, in a legal system that’s foreign to you. That’s moving mountains, as one person put it so perfectly.

And finally, remember that this too shall pass. I know that sounds like fortune cookie wisdom, but I’ve been through it twice. It does get better. The IKEA furniture eventually gets assembled, even if you have a few pieces left over that you’re not quite sure what to do with.

Separated Spouses and Wills

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 15:46:30 GMT

The 2025 Update You Didn’t Know You Needed

If you’ve been separated for a while, here’s some breaking news you probably didn’t expect: as of January 1, 2025, your Will and next-of-kin rights might not look quite the way you think they do anymore.

How so? If you and your spouse have been living apart for some time, the law now treats you a lot like divorced spouses when it comes to inheritance. In other words, the person you once promised “forever” to may have just been written out of your Will without you lifting a pen.

Back in 2021, Ontario passed Bill 245 , which shook up how marriage and Wills work. Back then, it was big news because getting married (or remarried) no longer automatically cancelled your Will.

Tucked inside that same legislation were new rules for separated spouses, which only took full effect on January 1, 2025 , exactly three years after they came into force.

Now that the clock has officially run out, any couple who’s been separated for three years or more is treated as if they’re divorced when it comes to Wills and inheritance.

So What Does “Separated” Actually Mean?

Here’s where the legal definition matters — because it’s not just about living in separate houses.

You’re officially considered “separated” if:

You’ve lived apart for three years because the marriage broke down,
You have a separation agreement ,
You’ve got a court order , or
A family arbitrator has confirmed the split.

Reach any of those milestones, and the law now sees your spouse as an ex for inheritance purposes — even if you never got around to finalizing the divorce papers.

Why Homeowners Should Care

If you still own a home with your ex, this is important.

When a separation becomes “official” under these new rules, any gifts to that spouse in your Will — including your home — are revoked unless your Will specifically says otherwise. The same goes for naming them as your executor.

In legal speak, it’s as if your separated spouse predeceased you.

In real-life speak, it means your house (and possibly your estate) could suddenly be in limbo.

But here’s the twist.

These new rules don’t automatically change your title ownership or your Powers of Attorney. So if you still own your home as joint tenants, the right of survivorship can still pass the property directly to your separated spouse when you die, even if your Will says otherwise.

Your Will might say “no,” but your title says “yes.” And that, friends, is why we call this a legal tangle waiting to happen.

A Real-World Example

Let’s say Jamie and Taylor separated in January 2022 but never bothered with a separation agreement. They’ve lived apart ever since, and Jamie’s 2019 Will still leaves the house (and the power of decision) to Taylor.

Fast forward to February 2025. Jamie passes away. Under the new rules, Taylor’s out: no inheritance, no executor role, no automatic rights.

Unless, of course, they never updated the home title. In this case Taylor might still get the house anyway through joint tenancy. This is why estate planning and real estate planning have to talk to each other (preferably before the lawyers start billing by the hour).

What You Can (and Should) Do Now

If you’re separated — or even just thinking about it — take a few steps now to protect yourself (and your peace of mind):

Update your Will. Name an executor and beneficiaries who reflect your current reality, not your romantic history.
Revoke and replace your Powers of Attorney. Because very few people want their ex signing off on medical care or the sale of their house.
Review your home’s title. If it’s still in both names as joint tenants, talk to your lawyer about severing it.
Update your beneficiaries on insurance policies, pensions, and registered plans. Those don’t automatically follow your Will.

It’s not glamorous work, but it’s far cheaper (and calmer) than fighting it out later.

Final Thoughts

The calendar may have flipped, but the rules have, too.

January 1, 2025, marked a turning point for separated spouses — especially homeowners.

If your relationship status has changed, your legal documents need to catch up. Talk to your family lawyer and real estate lawyer to make sure your Will, POAs, and home title are all pulling in the same direction.

And if you need help navigating the real estate side of things — from valuing your home to helping both parties move forward — that’s where I come in.

Because at the end of the day, this isn’t just about houses.

It’s about protecting your peace, your future, and the people you love — wherever life takes you next.

It’s Just an Opinion

Thu, 25 Sep 2025 15:24:08 GMT

“How much is my house worth?” — it’s the question every homeowner asks, especially during major life changes like divorce. But here’s the truth: no one can answer it with absolute certainty.

An Opinion of Value (OOV) is an informed estimate — a professional snapshot of what your property might sell for in today’s market. It’s not an exact science, but it’s one of the most important tools you’ll use in negotiations.

What Is an Opinion of Value?

An Opinion of Value is a document usually provided by a real estate agent that gives a best-guess estimate of what a property might sell for in today’s market based on research, professional experience, and comparative data.

While it provides valuable insight, it’s important to remember that, while it’s more detailed than a basic Comparative Market Analysis (CMA), it does not carry the legal or technical weight of a certified home appraisal , which is performed by a licensed appraiser.

It's Not an Exact Science

Because an OOV relies on current market data and local trends, the perceived value can shift quickly. A number that feels accurate today may change next week if the market moves, buyer interest shifts, or new comparable properties sell, which can change the local averages.

The OOV is not a guarantee or formal certification; it’s a tool to guide initial discussions and set expectations.

Open to Negotiation

Perhaps the most important feature of an OOV is its flexibility. It's designed to be a starting point for conversation, not a final verdict. Buyers and sellers can use it to anchor negotiations, adjust listing prices, and respond to market feedback.

Especially in divorce situations, where asset division and emotional ties complicate the process, an OOV allows both sides to begin talks with a realistic benchmark. But everyone should remember that the number is open to challenge and re-evaluation if new data comes to light.

Why It Matters During Divorce

In divorce cases, multiple types of property evaluation tools may be brought to the table: CMA, OOV, and formal appraisal. Each has a different purpose and legal weight, but all serve as data points for negotiation.

Recognizing that the OOV is simply a starting value removes a lot of conflict. The parties can use it to negotiate, revisit terms, or commission further opinions (even competing ones) if needed.

The Bottom Line

An Opinion of Value is not a final answer — it’s a conversation starter. Whether you’re preparing to sell, navigating a separation, or simply curious about your property’s worth, it provides an informed foundation for your next steps. And as circumstances change, so can the opinion.

If you’re facing a major transition and want clarity on your home’s potential value, I’d be honoured to guide you through the process and ensure you’re starting negotiations on solid ground.

And Then There Were Three

Thu, 04 Sep 2025 16:26:27 GMT

The Rise of Polyamorous Families and the Impact on Property Division

I was recently introduced to an episode of 90 Day Fiancé that featured a rather unusual storyline — it was the show’s first polyamorous relationship. In it, a married American couple with two children fall in love with a woman from Mexico, who also has a daughter. As their relationship progresses, the husband and wife decide to divorce so the new partner can come to the U.S. on a K-1 visa, with the husband marrying his new bride within 90 days.

Watching this made me stop and think: what would the laws and rules look like in a situation like this? Would the new bride gain access to the home’s equity if the relationship fell apart? Would the original ex-wife risk losing her share of equity by stepping aside? Should a separation agreement be in place to protect her rights? And what about prenups or cohabitation agreements for the new couple? Then there are other layers—health insurance, pensions, estate rights… yikes, the complexities are endless!

What happens when love, law, and logistics collide?

Polyamorous relationships – where more than two adults have intimate, committed relationships together – are increasingly visible in Canada . However, the legal system, especially around property division when such relationships dissolve, is still catching up.

While polyamorous relationships can involve any number of people, let’s look at the implications of a relationship breakdown through the lens of three adults living together in a jointly owned home.

Polyamory vs. Polygamy in Canada

First, Canadian law distinguishes polyamory (multiple consensual relationships) from polygamy (multiple legal marriages). Polyamory is legal; polygamy is not. This distinction matters for property rights, as only legally married spouses receive explicit protections under the Family Law Act.

Property Division Basics: Married vs. Cohabiting Couples

Ontario’s Family Law Act treats married and cohabiting partners differently :

Married spouses: On separation, both are entitled to equalize the value of property accumulated during the marriage. The rule includes a special provision for the “matrimonial home,” which cannot be sold without the consent of both spouses, regardless of whose name is on the title.
Unmarried (common-law) partners: Cohabitants must rely on ownership as documented (i.e., on title) or make a legal claim based on “unjust enrichment” if their contribution is not reflected on title. Cohabitants do not have an automatic right to property division when relationships end unless a cohabitation agreement exists.

Scenario 1: One Person Leaves (Three People Cohabitating and Jointly Own Home)

If all three adults jointly own the home and only one wishes to leave:

The person leaving may sell or force the sale of their interest under Ontario's Partition Act, even if the other two wish to stay. The home may end up being sold unless the remaining owners buy out the departing owner's share.
Without a cohabitation agreement, any disputes over contributions or “sweat equity” may end up in court and be decided based on equitable principles, such as unjust enrichment.
There are no automatic rights to spousal support or equalization unless relationships fall under the legal definition of “spouse” per Ontario law (at least two years living together in a marriage-like relationship).

Scenario 2: All Three Separate

If all three jointly own the home and all separate:

The property is typically sold, and the proceeds are divided according to the percentage ownership on the title, unless another agreement exists.
Disputes over unequal contributions can go to court, potentially resulting in monetary awards or constructive trust arrangements, but only if a party proves unjust enrichment.

Scenario 3: Two Are Legally Married, Third is Cohabitant

Suppose two are legally married, and all three live together:

The married couple receives special protections under the Family Law Act for the matrimonial home, meaning neither can be removed from or excluded from the home without a court order, and both retain the right to equalize the value of assets accumulated during marriage.
The third (unmarried) partner only has rights if they are named on title or can make an equitable claim. If not on title, they must prove unjust enrichment if they contributed financially or through work towards the home.
If all three are on title but only two are married, the division still defaults to percentage ownership unless unjust enrichment is proven or a court orders otherwise.

Scenario 4: All Three Are Cohabitating, None Married

If none are married:

Division is governed by who is named on title. There is no automatic division of assets under the Family Law Act. The cohabitant must prove unjust enrichment for any claim beyond their ownership percentage.
A cohabitation agreement signed by all three can set out rights and division upon dissolution, providing clarity and reducing legal uncertainty.

The Importance of Agreements

Spelling out commitments in a cohabitation agreement (for those not married) or a marriage contract (for spouses) is recommended. These written documents can clarify property ownership, division on breakup, and financial obligations. Without these, the default is the title and the court system for contested claims.

"Ontario's legislated property division regime is limited to married spouses only. The act of cohabiting, unlike getting married, does not entitle one person to a share of the other’s property." ~ MacDonald & Partners LLP

Key Takeaways

Marriage is a legal partnership: Married couples have specific and automatic property rights under the Family Law Act, especially regarding the matrimonial home.
Cohabitants need agreements: Cohabiting polyamorous partners should draft a cohabitation agreement to outline property rights, as the law does not provide automatic protections.
Joint ownership is powerful: Anyone on title can force the sale under Ontario law, so ownership percentages matter greatly.
Unjust enrichment is complex: For those not on title, legal claims rely on proving they contributed more than their share, and litigation can be costly and uncertain.

Let’s face it, polyamorous relationships push hard against legal systems designed for two. When love, law, and logistics collide, things can get messy fast - especially when property, equity, or family security are involved.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, don’t leave it to chance. Consult a lawyer, put clear agreements in writing, and protect everyone’s interests. Love may be the starting point, but planning is what ensures stability if circumstances change.

Cosigning a Mortgage for Your Child

Wed, 23 Apr 2025 16:15:46 GMT

What You Need to Know if Your Child and Their Spouse Separate

Helping your child buy their first home is a proud moment for many parents. In today’s real estate market, it’s not uncommon to help a child by cosigning a mortgage. It’s a generous gesture that can make all the difference, especially when prices and lending rules are tough.

But what if things don’t go as planned? What if your child and their spouse separate or divorce? Suddenly, your good deed can turn into a financial headache.

What Does Cosigning a Mortgage Mean?

When you cosign a mortgage in Ontario, you’re not just vouching for your child and their partner. You’re legally on the hook for the mortgage, just like they are.

If they miss a payment, the bank comes knocking on your door. If the mortgage goes into default, your credit takes a hit. And if you’re on the property title (which is often the case), you’re also a part owner of the home.

Cosigning is different from being a guarantor . As a cosigner, you share ownership and responsibility. As a guarantor, you’re only responsible for the debt if the primary borrowers default. You don’t have ownership rights.

What Happens If Your Child and Their Spouse Separate?

Here’s where things can get sticky. Let’s say your child and their spouse split up. Who keeps the house? Who keeps paying the mortgage? And where does that leave you?

You’re Still on the Hook

Even if your child’s relationship ends, your obligation to the bank doesn’t. The lender doesn’t care about divorce agreements…they just want their money. If payments stop, your credit and finances are at risk.

Getting Off the Mortgage Isn’t Easy

You can’t just “remove” yourself from the mortgage. The only way out is for your child and their ex to refinance the mortgage in their own names or sell the house. Refinancing can be tough if one person can’t qualify on their own, and selling isn’t always a quick or profitable option.

Family Disputes Can Get Messy

If your child and their ex can’t agree on who pays what, things can get ugly. Missed payments can happen, and you might end up footing the bill to protect your own credit.

Legal and Tax Complications

If you’re on title, you may have a say in what happens to the property. But you could also be dragged into legal disputes or even face tax issues, especially if the house is sold at a profit.

How Can You Protect Yourself?

Cosigning is a big favour, but you don’t have to do it blindly. Here are some smart steps to keep your finances - and your family relationships - safe.

1. Have an Honest Talk Upfront

Before you sign anything, sit down with your child and their partner. Talk openly about what happens if things don’t work out. It might feel awkward, but it’s better than dealing with surprises later.

2. Put It in Writing

Consider drawing up a family agreement (with the help of a lawyer) that spells out what happens if the couple separates. Will they sell the house? Refinance to take you off the mortgage? How soon will that happen? This agreement isn’t a legal requirement, but it can help keep everyone on the same page.

3. Monitor the Mortgage

Ask the lender to send you copies of statements or notifications if a payment is missed. Keep an eye on your own credit report, too. The sooner you spot a problem, the easier it is to fix.

4. Plan Your Exit Strategy

Encourage your child and their spouse to refinance the mortgage in their own names as soon as they can. Make it clear that your role as cosigner is meant to be temporary. If things go south, push for a sale or refinance right away to get your name off the loan.

5. Get Professional Advice

Don’t be shy about getting independent, legal advice. Talking to a lawyer outside the transaction can help you understand your rights, draft agreements, and navigate any legal issues if a separation happens.

6. Consider Alternatives

If you’re nervous about cosigning, there are other ways to help. You could gift or loan your child money for a down payment, which doesn’t tie you to the mortgage. Or, see if the lender will accept you as a guarantor instead of a cosigner (though this is less common).

Final Thoughts

Cosigning a mortgage is a generous way to help your child and their spouse get started in the housing market. But it’s not without risks - especially if the couple’s relationship changes. The best way to protect yourself is to go in with your eyes wide open: have honest conversations, get agreements in writing, monitor the mortgage, and have a clear plan for getting your name off the loan.

Remember, you’re doing a wonderful thing by helping your child. Just make sure you’re also looking out for your own financial future. A little planning now can save a lot of heartache down the road.

Who Gets the Burial Plot in a Divorce?

Fri, 21 Mar 2025 15:19:27 GMT

A Surprisingly Tricky Question

The best laid plans...

When going through a divorce, you're probably thinking about dividing the house, the bank accounts, maybe even the furniture. But what about burial plots? It's not the first thing that comes to mind, but if you and your ex bought one together - or if one of you inherited one - things can get complicated.

Burial plots are technically property, but they don't work the same way as a house or a car. They have a unique legal status, and because they hold deep emotional value, figuring out what happens to them in a divorce can be tricky.

How Canadian Law Treats Burial Plots

In Canada, anything acquired during a marriage is typically considered family property and gets divided equally. Burial plots, however, are a bit of a grey area. Here's how different situations might play out:

You Bought the Plot Together
If you and your ex purchased a burial plot together using shared funds, it's generally treated like any other marital asset - it belongs to both of you and is subject to division. That means one of you may need to buy out the other's share, or you might have to agree on who keeps it. Alternatively, you could sell it and split the proceeds. A quick search through online marketplaces turns up many a plot for sale!
The Plot Was a Gift or Inheritance
If one of you inherited a burial plot or received it as a gift before the marriage, it might be considered separate property. Under laws like Ontario's Family Law Act, inherited assets are often exempt from division. However, if the plot increased in value during the marriage (yes, this can happen), that increase might be subject to splitting.
Ownership Isn't What You Think
Here's a twist - owning a burial plot usually doesn't mean you own the land. Instead, you own "interment rights", which allow you to decide who gets buried there and what kind of memorials can be placed. The cemetery still owns the land itself.

The Challenges of Sharing a Burial Plot After Divorce

If you and your ex remain co-owners of a burial plot, things can get awkward fast.

Who gets buried there? Both of you would have to agree on future burials. That's not exactly an easy conversation to have.
Can one of you sell their share? Maybe. One of you might want to transfer or sell their interment rights, but that usually requires negotiation.
What if there's a dispute? If you don't sort it out now, it could lead to legal battles down the road.

How to Handle It

Since burial plots are both financially valuable and emotionally significant, they deserve careful attention in a divorce settlement. If you and your ex can have an open, honest discussion about it, that's great. If not, mediation can help. And when in doubt, getting legal advice is always a smart move.

Dividing property in a divorce is never fun, but handling unusual assets, like burial plots, with clarity now can save a lot of stress in the future.

Pros and Cons of Drafting Your Own Separation Agreement

Tue, 21 Jan 2025 18:32:37 GMT

Last month I explored the question of whether or not divorcing couples actually need a Separation Agreement . For those that do, the next question that often arises is whether or not to draft it yourselves and save the expense of using lawyers.

While drafting your own agreement may seem appealing for its simplicity and cost savings, it comes with risks. Let’s look at some pros and cons of drafting your own Separation Agreement.

The Pros

Cost
This is typically the main driver for creating your own Separation Agreement as it eliminates the need for expensive legal fees. Free templates are widely available online.
Control and Flexibility
You and your Ex have full control over the terms of the agreement without external influence. This allows you to customize the document to suit your needs and preferences.
Speed
If both parties are amicable and in agreement on key issues, creating your own agreement can save time compared to waiting for legal consultations.
Privacy
By avoiding external parties, you maintain confidentiality regarding financial and personal matters.

The Cons

Legal Risks
A self-drafted agreement may not comply with Ontario's legal standards under the Family Law Act, making it unenforceable in court. For example, agreements without independent legal advice may be invalidated.
Overlooking Important Details
Without legal expertise, you risk missing critical elements such as tax implications, spousal support calculations, or future contingencies like relocation with children.
Imbalance in Negotiation
If one party has more knowledge or bargaining power, the agreement may unfairly favour them. Courts may later deem such agreements invalid if they are found to be inequitable.
Long-term Costs
Mistakes or ambiguous wording in a self-drafted agreement can lead to costly legal disputes in the future, outweighing the short-term savings.
Rushing the Process
The emotional strain of separation can impair judgment, leading to rushed decisions that do not adequately protect long-term interests. For example, it may omit important details that get agreed on verbally, instead of getting documented, leaving you vulnerable to future disputes or misunderstandings.

When a separation is amicable with straightforward financial or parenting arrangements, writing your own Separation Agreement can seem like a viable option. However, the potential risks, such as legal invalidation or missed details, make it important to seek independent legal advice before finalizing the document. Balancing cost savings with legal advice ensures that your rights and obligations are adequately protected during this significant life transition.

Do You Really Need a Separation Agreement?

Wed, 18 Dec 2024 16:22:05 GMT

I’ve talked about Separation Agreements before, particularly concerning the sale of marital homes. You can read my previous post here .

But let’s look at the broader question: Do you even NEED a Separation Agreement? Anyone who knows me or has talked to me about divorce knows that I am a strong supporter of having one.

The reality is, however, the circumstances and emotions involved in a couple’s separation or divorce are as varied as snowflakes in a snowstorm. So, decisions made around the need for a Separation Agreement can be positively or negatively influenced by these circumstances.

Consider these real-life scenarios

Scenario One: A good friend of mine had been divorced for over two decades and, through mutual agreement with her Ex, had been granted sole ownership of the matrimonial home as part of the settlement between them. No Separation Agreement was drafted - they simply agreed to this arrangement in lieu of support.

Twenty years later she is purchasing her first investment property. She has been approved for financing and all goes smoothly until closing day comes. The lender won’t release the funds because they require a copy of her Separation Agreement. She explains that she never had one, it was a handshake deal, their kids are all independent adults, and she and her Ex have both moved on with their lives. The lender doesn’t care. They need the Separation Agreement in order to release the funds.

Now, she faces the daunting challenge of securing emergency funds to close the deal while also tracking down her Ex to get a written agreement in place so she can obtain her mortgage.

Scenario Two: A couple with two children are legally separated. The mother has custody and a Court Order specifying the child support the father agreed to pay. However, after just two months, he stops making these payments. Without a signed Separation Agreement, what options does she have?

In this scenario, her recourse is limited to registering the original Court Order and reporting him to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO) to enforce it. Without a formal Separation Agreement, she would likely need to engage lawyers and potentially go to court, which could be a long and expensive process.

If both parties agree, they can sign a Separation Agreement, making it legally binding. Once filed with the court, it has the same effect as a Court Order and can be registered with the FRO for enforcement. However, for the FRO to collect child support, the Agreement must first be filed with the court and then registered with the FRO.

Currently, she’s living in the matrimonial home, but without a Separation Agreement, she’s facing some limitations. She can’t sell the house, switch lenders, or apply for a Line of Credit because lenders require a copy of the Separation Agreement. Her only option is to continue to renew the existing mortgage.

A Separation Agreement could surely change her life, wouldn’t you agree?

Scenario Three: When I was first divorced, I received child support payments from my Ex based on the terms of our Separation Agreement. After a couple of years, the kids decided to move in with him and we mutually agreed to not exchange money anymore as we anticipated the kids might be going back and forth.

As he had been claiming the child support payments on his taxes, a government official came knocking at tax time noting that he had stopped making payments and they were going to start garnishing his wages. I had to write a letter to let them know we’d made an agreement to stop support payments. To be honest, I had to write that letter two years in a row before they would stop bothering him. In hindsight, we should have amended our Agreement to avoid the extra stress.

So, do you really need one?

Without a formal agreement, there’s no legal documentation to back up any informal arrangements. This can lead to unexpected disputes over finances, pensions, parenting access, or support payments. Informal agreements are much harder to enforce in court, leaving you vulnerable to uncooperative or non-compliant behaviour.

I always say, "It’s good, until it isn’t." While things may seem smooth now, that may not always be the case. That’s why, even though a Separation Agreement isn’t legally required, it’s generally a wise choice. As the scenarios above show, it provides clarity, protects your rights, and can save you time, money, and stress in the long run.

Remember, every situation is unique. It's always best to consult with a family law professional to determine if a Separation Agreement is right for your specific circumstances.

The Broken Christmas

Thu, 21 Nov 2024 15:05:50 GMT

Facing the First Holiday After Separation or Divorce

It’s late November. The air is crisp and Santa Claus parades have started to run every weekend. Strings of lights drape across rooftops, and Christmas trees twinkle in the glow of living room windows on almost every street. Carols and Christmas songs fill the airwaves, and it’s no longer considered completely crazy for retail stores to have entire aisles of green and red.

Love it or hate it (there’s no middle ground, it seems), the holiday season is now upon us. For some, this time of year brings magic. But for others - those recently separated, divorced, or suddenly alone - the holidays are a brutal reminder of loss. The most festive time of the year can be filled with unbearable pain.

I recall the year of my separation – the year my world crumbled. It happened in September – the end of 17 Christmases together. The house was up for sale – he was sleeping downstairs and I retreated upstairs. We barely acknowledged each other, and the tension was palpable.

Our home, once full of life, was now a battlefield of silence. We barely spoke, existing in the same space but living in two different worlds. The tension was thick enough to choke on.

I was in pieces. My days became a blur of tears and isolation, locked away in my bedroom. I could barely muster the energy to leave my bed, much less function as a mother. The doting mother and wife who used to be the heart of our home - who thrived on creating holiday magic - was gone, broken and replaced by a shell of grief and exhaustion. I was locking myself away from the world and sadness. My children were hurting, but I was too broken to help them.

The holiday events came and went without me. The school concerts, the parades - things I would have never missed in any other year - I simply couldn’t face. So I escaped my shattered life in my locked bedroom.

The house, once full of Christmas cheer, was silent. No baking filled the kitchen with warm, sweet scents. No secret gifts hid in the closet. No Christmas music played to dance to around the house. The spirit of anticipation, the joy—it was all noticeably absent this year.

It was unimaginable. I had always been the one who made Christmas bigger and better every year. I made it sparkle - turkey dinner with all the trimmings served on good china dishes, Christmas bedtime stories for weeks leading up to the day, hosting friends with rum eggnog and decadent desserts. I wrapped each gift with meticulous care, making sure the tree had a mountain of presents.

But that year... I did nothing. I didn’t have it in me.

I remember taking my children to the company Children’s Christmas Party. I did my best to put on a brave face, to smile, and to give them even the smallest glimmer of Christmas hope. My youngest, just nine years old, sat on Santa’s knee, her little face streaked with alligator tears. Hardly able to speak between sobs, she leaned in and whispered something into his ear. He glanced over at me, and when she got up, he quietly told me that all she wanted for Christmas was her family back together. My heart shattered into pieces.

Just days before Christmas, a friend pleaded with me to try. To at least get a tree for the kids. I didn’t want to - I didn’t have a single ounce of holiday spirit left - but I did it. I bought the cheapest, saddest little tree, and hastily threw some lights and ornaments on it. It was not decorated with the love and care that I was known for, and it was a far cry from the trees of Christmases past, but it was something.

I scrounged together a few gifts, wrapped them without my usual love, and braced myself for the day. Yet I wasn’t alone.

The blessing in all of this was my “tribe” - a few friends who knew my pain only too well - who showed up for me. That Christmas these women, who had walked the same path, brought their children and joined us at my kitchen table.

We ate a Christmas dinner potluck on everyday dishes. We opened a few gifts. We cried. And in that messy, imperfect Christmas, they helped me catch a flicker of hope. They were my lifeline, pushing me to rise from the ashes for my children. It was only through the grace of God and these friends that I was able to pull it off.

It was a Christmas miracle of sorts.

My life would never look the same again - this would be our last Christmas in our beautiful home. As I let the postcard image of sleigh bells ringing, Silent Nights, and jolly vintage Santa Clauses fade from my vision, I saw support and hope poured out onto me and my children.

It became the most memorable one because it was soaked in love. It wasn’t about the decorations, the food, or the gifts - it was about the people who wrapped me in their arms and helped me see the true meaning of the Holidays.

I don’t even know if my children remember that Christmas - the year I barely showed up. The Broken Christmas. But 17 Christmases later, I look back on it with gratitude. It was the beginning of something new.

Today, our celebrations look different. New faces around the table, grandchildren laughing by the tree, and new traditions have taken root. We’ve learned to embrace what we have now, not what was lost.

If you’re facing your first holiday season after a separation or divorce, I won’t lie - it’s hard. There’s no easy way through it, and no one can tell you exactly how to survive it. But I hope I can offer a few thoughts to help lessen the pain and the fear of the unfamiliar.

First, give yourself permission to do what you need to do to get through the season. If you can’t put up a tree, sip on eggnog or listen to carols…then don’t. Order Chinese takeout, binge-watch your favourite show, or soak in a long bubble bath. Simply take care of yourself first.

Allow yourself to grieve , but don’t let it consume you. The past is painful, but the future is full of possibility. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. There’s a reason I talk about The Journey Ahead—because that’s where the good stuff is waiting.

Find your tribe - the people who understand your pain. A voice that relates to yours can be a lifeline. Whether it’s close friends, family, or a support group like DivorceCare™ , don’t go through this alone.

Keep perspective . Remember, this is just one Christmas. It will come and go, and though it may feel like the end of the world now, it won’t always feel this way. You have many more holidays ahead of you—ones that will be filled with new memories, new traditions, and new joys.

If you can, volunteer somewhere . Serving others has a way of pulling you out of your head and into the present. It’ll bring joy to sacrifice a bit of time, and you’ll feel the appreciation when you put yourself out there. It’s a small but powerful way to lift your spirits.

Keep your expectations realistic . If you decide to decorate or host, don’t try to recreate a magazine-worthy Christmas. Permit yourself to do what feels right for you.

And most importantly, take care of yourself . Your body keeps score. Eat well, get rest, and breathe. You won’t make it through this if you’re running on empty.

The first year is always the hardest. But trust me when I say, you will come out the other side.

With time, prayer, and support, the broken pieces of my life were slowly put back together, and yours will be too. You’ll create new memories, and someday, you’ll even learn to love the holidays again. For now, be kind to yourself, and give yourself grace.

Understanding the Value of Your Home During Divorce

Tue, 29 Oct 2024 18:13:28 GMT

A Guide to Opinion of Value and Appraisals

To say that divorce is challenging doesn’t begin to describe the complexity of emotions and stressors involved in “uncoupling”. One of the most challenging aspects is dividing assets, with the marital home often being at the centre. For many couples, the family home is not only a symbol of their life together but also one of their most significant assets. Deciding whether to sell it or have one spouse buy out the other requires an accurate understanding of its true value, which is why a reliable Opinion of Value or formal appraisal is so important.

In this guide, I’ll explain how you can determine the value of your home during a divorce, the differences between various types of market evaluations, and how these tools can assist you in making well-informed decisions as you navigate this difficult journey.

1. Why Understanding Home Value is Critical During Divorce

When a couple decides to divorce, one of the key issues they must resolve is how to divide their property. The marital home often holds both emotional and financial significance. Its value needs to be accurately determined for two primary reasons:

Asset Division: Whether you plan to sell the home and split the proceeds or arrange for one partner to keep the house, the home’s value will impact how other assets are divided.
Debt Obligations: If the home has a mortgage, understanding the equity (the value of the home minus any remaining mortgage) is critical. This will also play a role in negotiations and how much each spouse may receive or owe.

2. Common Tools for Assessing a Home’s Value

When you search online for information about your home's value, you are likely to come across various terms like Comparative Market Analysis (CMA) , free home evaluations , certified home appraisal , and Opinions of Value . Each of these has a different purpose, and it's essential to understand how they work to make the best use of them.

Comparative Market Analysis (CMA)

A CMA is an estimate of a home's value based on recently sold properties that are similar in size, location, and condition. Real estate agents commonly provide CMAs—often referred to as free home evaluations—to help homeowners set a competitive price when listing their homes for sale. While a CMA can give a solid ballpark figure, it typically presents a range of potential values rather than a precise number.

In the context of a divorce, a CMA can offer valuable insight into the local market. However, if negotiations become contentious or a more accurate, legally acceptable figure is required, a CMA might not be detailed enough to meet those needs. A formal appraisal may be necessary for situations where a specific and defensible value is crucial.

Opinion of Value

An Opinion of Value is a step beyond a CMA. It is a formal document provided by a real estate agent that includes a detailed analysis of the home’s market value. Unlike a CMA, which offers a range of values, an Opinion of Value usually includes a specific number that the agent believes is the most accurate estimate of the home's worth.

In divorce cases, where clear, agreed-upon valuations are essential, an Opinion of Value can serve as a starting point for discussions. The process is less formal and less expensive than hiring a licensed appraiser but still provides a strong foundation for negotiating a fair division of assets.

In cases where the courts are involved, lawyers or judges may request formal real estate evaluations to ensure an accurate and impartial assessment. As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE™), I am specially trained to provide unbiased opinions on property values during divorce proceedings. Unlike most Realtors®, I am qualified to testify in court about my findings, ensuring that the valuation is both credible and defensible in a legal setting. This level of expertise is essential when handling the complexities of real estate in a divorce.

Certified Home Appraisal

Sometimes, particularly in contentious divorces or when the property is unique, a more formal and legally sound assessment is required. In these cases, hiring a licensed appraiser becomes necessary.

An appraisal differs from both a CMA and an Opinion of Value in that it is conducted by a licensed or certified appraiser, such as a Certified Residential Appraiser (CRA™). This type of evaluation offers the most thorough and legally accepted estimate of a home’s value.

Appraisers are required to follow specific legal and ethical guidelines, and their reports can be used in court if necessary. In many divorce cases, especially those involving significant assets, estate divisions, or disputes, a formal appraisal will be the most reliable method to determine the value of a home.

3. Negotiating Based on Home Value: Common Scenarios

Selling the Home and Splitting Proceeds

If both parties agree to sell the home, the challenge lies in determining a fair asking price. A CMA can provide an initial sense of what similar homes are selling for, but an Opinion of Value or an appraisal can give a clearer idea of what the house is worth and help you agree on a listing price.

One Spouse Buys Out the Other

If one spouse wishes to keep the home, an accurate valuation becomes even more critical. The spouse keeping the home will need to compensate the other based on the current equity in the property. This can be a complex process, as it involves not only agreeing on the home’s market value but also accounting for outstanding mortgage balances, home improvements, and market fluctuations.

Additionally, securing financing for the home typically requires a legal Separation Agreement . Without this, most lenders will not approve a mortgage, further emphasizing the need for proper legal and financial planning during this stage.

Co-Ownership Post-Divorce

In rare cases, divorcing couples may choose to co-own the home temporarily, particularly when children are involved, and the parents want to provide stability. In this case, a fair valuation is still required to determine future financial responsibilities. Even if both parties remain in the home, its value could change over time, so it’s important to reassess the property periodically.

4. How to Choose the Right Professional for Your Situation

As you consider your options for determining the value of your home, it’s essential to choose the right professional for the job. Here are a few tips:

Quick Estimate: If you’re just starting the process and want a general idea of what your home might be worth, consider getting a CMA from a local real estate agent.
Divorce Proceedings: If you need a more precise value, ask your real estate agent for an Opinion of Value, especially if you’re working with a Realtor® who has experience in divorce real estate.
Court Use or Disputes: If your divorce involves legal disputes over the value of the home, or if the home is a unique or high-value property, you’ll likely need a formal appraisal from a certified appraiser. In court cases, you may also use a CDRE™.

Valuing a home during a divorce can feel stressful, but with the right tools and support it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Whether you choose a CMA, an Opinion of Value, or a formal Appraisal, understanding the true value of your home is a key step in securing your financial future as you move forward.

If you’re navigating a divorce and need help determining your home's value, seeking professional advice is crucial. Consulting with a Realtor® experienced in divorce real estate can offer the clarity and peace of mind you need to make confident, informed decisions during this challenging period.

If you have any questions or are looking for expert guidance on your home’s value, reach out any time .

Limiting Beliefs About Divorce

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 17:20:26 GMT

Recently, an out-of-town friend and I were talking, and in the middle of our call, she got a message confirming that she was officially a homeowner. She got emotional and commented that it was fitting she was talking to me at that moment because I work so much with divorced couples in my real estate business. She had been divorced for many years, so I was confused.

Ever since her divorce she has always rented so I asked her why she hadn’t bought before now. She said, "Because divorced women don’t own houses."

I was taken aback and asked her why she would think this. She talked about how her parents had held her in judgment ever since she got divorced and as a result, she had a narrative in her head that said, "Divorced women don’t own homes". It’s something her mother had told her.

When her parents passed, she received an inheritance and used it to buy a house. With the judgment no longer there, she finally felt free to move on with her life and not worry about being judged for owning a home.

This got me thinking about what other myths or limiting beliefs exist regarding divorce.

While my friend’s belief is not a common one, her parents were of a generation that held more "traditional" views on marriage, with divorce carrying a moral stigma. Her mother’s view likely came from another myth that divorced women will face financial hardship without a man to support them. And therefore, owning a home is impossible.

Here are some of the more common limiting beliefs or myths I found:

You should stay together for the children

Many people stay in unhealthy relationships for the sake of their children, believing that divorce will harm them. But the fact is, an unhappy household or high-conflict relationship can do more damage to the kids. How parents handle the situation, including open communication and support, has a more significant impact on the child’s well-being than the divorce itself. As noted in Psychology Today , "Far from suffering inevitable damage from divorce, children can benefit from seeing their parents decide for happiness and fulfillment."

Divorce Means Failure

Divorce has often been equated with the personal failure of the individuals involved or the relationship itself. In reality, divorce is often a brave decision to pursue a healthier and more fulfilling life. Relationships evolve, and sometimes separation is the best path forward for personal growth and happiness. Many see it as a necessary step in their journey rather than a sign of failure.

Mothers always get custody of the children

This myth persists, but courts focus on what is best for the children. Fathers have an equal opportunity to gain custody. Co-parenting is a much more common arrangement today.

People Who Divorce Didn’t Try Hard Enough

There’s a cultural belief that people who divorce simply didn’t work hard enough to save their marriage. Yet, many couples go through extensive efforts, including therapy, to repair their marriage. Divorce often happens when both parties realize that staying together is no longer healthy or viable despite their efforts.

Assets are always divided 50/50

People often think that they automatically get half of everything. While the Family Law Act aims for an equitable distribution of assets, this doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 split. Some assets may be excluded, such as Inheritances or gifts from third parties. Couples can negotiate an unequal division of assets provided it is deemed fair. The courts have the discretion to vary the distribution if an equal division would be deemed unconscionable based on certain factors.

Adultery means you lose everything

Canada adopted the “no-fault” divorce system in 1986, meaning the reasons for a divorce are irrelevant when it comes to the division of property, support, etc. I remember the day I met my lawyer, stating I wanted to be separated. She said, "ok, you are separated". Perplexed, she continued to explain that the courts no longer care why you are separating thanks to the "no-fault" system. Although my divorce was not a result of adultery, I was relieved that I didn’t need to expound on the details of my situation.

What other limiting beliefs or myths have you experienced about divorce? How did your parents' beliefs influence your own? I would love to hear your stories. Drop me a line .

Essential Tips for a Stress-Free Move During Divorce

Thu, 29 Aug 2024 15:21:18 GMT

Moving can be hard, and it feels darned near impossible when you are packing “your half” of a life once spent with another soul. Big items will be discussed like pensions, splitting the proceeds of the house, and who gets the sports car; but we don’t always discuss who gets the crystal sugar bowl and the steak knife set.

Figuring this all out is highly emotional – we either want all of it, or we take only what we can get by with. The macaroni art that Bobby made in school when he was seven, the pink soup ladle your mother-in-law gave you as a joke, the silver picture frame your neighbours gave as an anniversary gift - suddenly, these items bring out a wave of emotions.

You are dying inside, but you put on a brave face when the kids are around. “It’ll be an adventure,” you say, smiling a big smile while tears are barely at bay. Must stay positive.

You look around the house – the sold sign is a stinging reminder to keep packing. You wonder how you got here, this place of flux. The fighting hasn’t stopped, the lawyer bills are racking up, and you worry about the well-being of the kids when they are with your former partner. Emotions are uncontrollably high.

So how do we navigate the added stressors that come with moving out during a divorce? Here are some tips:

Advance Funds: It’ll be near impossible for both parties to move out on the same day without tensions being high. If you can, have all parties agree to give equal funds to each other from savings or a line of credit to cover down payments or first and last month’s rent, and money to cover moving expenses. That way it’s fair, and both parties have the funds to secure their next move.

Secure Accommodations: You’ll want to know where you are going as soon as you can, and with monies in the bank to secure down payments or rent deposits, you can now arrange utilities, driver's license changes, mail forwarding, etc. Plus, it gives you time to arrange daycare and schools if necessary.

Move Out Early: Emotions are high, and they will be just as high on moving day. If you can, try to secure your next place earlier than closing day so that you can move in early. Just in case an argument starts over who gets the patio furniture, you’ll want that sorted out days (or even weeks) before the moving trucks get there.

Leave More Than You Take: I know – this one stings. You have to trust me when I tell you, that EVERYTHING will have a memory attached to it, and over time you won’t want the reminders of a previous life peeking over your shoulder. Taking more than your fair share doesn’t mean you won, it just means you have more stuff to move.

Certain items will be difficult to part with for both parties. Work with a legal professional or mediator and take the time to sort out high-stakes items and who gets what. Neither partner wants to spend the moving day arguing over the items in the home or later regret giving away something sentimental or expensive for the sake of keeping the peace.

Take Only What is Yours: Let’s face it, sometimes items end up in the wrong box or accidentally get left behind. Focus on taking only the items agreed to by both parties and return the items that were taken in error as quickly as possible so that it doesn’t ignite a new altercation.

Split the Cleaning: You want to leave a clean house for the new family moving in, so deciding who does what in final preparations is important. Having some friends in to help clean after moving day is easiest on the pocketbook. If that isn’t an option, perhaps agree to split the cost of a cleaning company to come in and wash the cupboards and appliances, vacuum the carpets and wash floors. Perhaps one party could be responsible for cleaning out the shed or garage, and the other for the gardens and lawn. Either way, establishing clear agreements about each party's responsibilities – even if performed on different days – will make closing day go much smoother.

Furry Family Members: We love our pets dearly, and the emotional support they provide during difficult times is truly invaluable. However, amid the urgency and chaos of moving day, pets may not understand what’s happening.

The packing, moving, and disrupted schedule, along with the presence of strangers and the noise of taking down and relocating items, can cause significant anxiety for them. The last thing you want during a divorce move is for your pet to be at risk of running out of the house, getting in the way, or feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Boarding your pet with a friend, vet, or daycare can ensure they are safe and content, making your moving day much smoother.

Once you have moved into your new place, let them take their time to acclimate to the new smells and new sounds. My senior dog, in his confusion, just went for a walk. I was standing in the kitchen, and he just left. Many hours later we found him on the front porch of our old home. It broke my heart, and I learned to just be patient with his confused state, giving him time to find “his spot” in a new home.

I think it is virtually impossible to take the stress out of a move. Add divorce into the mix and it’s virtually guaranteed to be taxing. But…with some planning, securing of funds, and establishing clear agreements on who takes what and when, you can reduce some of the tension.

Remember to prioritize your well-being and that of your children, and don’t forget to take care of your pets during the move. Leaving behind more than you take and focusing on creating a fresh start in your new space will help you move forward with less baggage—both literally and emotionally.

Moving Back In: The Implications of Reconciliation

Tue, 23 Jul 2024 16:42:24 GMT

What happens if you get back together?

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who moved back in with her Ex. Let’s call her Marilyn. They had been legally separated for years, never bothering with the final paperwork of being divorced. The Ex had become quite ill and, having remained good friends, Marilyn agreed to move back into the matrimonial castle to care for him. As luck would have it, the spark reignited, her ex became her Handsome Prince, and they once again found true love. It’s the thing of fairy tales.

As they were not officially divorced but had a separation agreement in place, does this void that agreement and what happens if their reconciliation doesn’t work out?

Great questions. Separation isn’t always permanent, which is why the Divorce Act requires you to be separated for at least one year before you can officially divorce. Should you reconcile before you sign divorce papers, any separation agreement that is in place becomes null and void.

However, many separation agreements include a provision that states the agreement will remain in force if the attempt to reconcile lasts less than 90 days.

This 90-day period is important from a divorce perspective as well. To obtain a divorce, you must be separated for at least one year. Should an attempt at reconciliation fall apart within 90 days, you can proceed with a divorce as planned. For Marilyn, if her reconciliation doesn’t work out within the first 3 months she can still get divorced anytime as she has been separated for over a year.

Should the 90 days pass, however, and things fall apart, that one-year period resets and she will have to wait another year before an official divorce can be granted.

Outside this 90-day trial period, here are some other things Marilyn should consider in moving back in with her ex:

Property and Finances: When couples separate, they often begin the process of dividing their property and assets. If they reconcile, they need to carefully consider how to handle any divisions that have already taken place. Have a plan for handling finances going forward, such as joint bank accounts and any debt that has been accumulated post-separation.

It's advisable to consult with a family law attorney to ensure that the reconciliation doesn't inadvertently create new legal or financial complications.

Children and Parenting: If children are involved, ensure their well-being is prioritized.

Legal Documentation: You may want to consider drafting a reconciliation agreement with the help of a family lawyer to be clear on terms and expectations. You will also want to review and update wills, powers of attorney, and beneficiary designations on insurance policies and investments.

Emotional Considerations: Aside from the legal and practical aspects of reconciling, it’s important to consider the emotional side of things. You separated for a reason, so make sure you address those reasons as part of the process to help avoid them repeating. Seek professional counselling if needed.

Reconciliation can be a positive step for many couples, but it's important to approach it thoughtfully and to clearly understand the legal and practical implications. By carefully considering these factors and even seeking professional guidance when needed, the chances increase of a reunion being successful while protecting each one’s interests if things don't work out.

As for Marilyn… As time passed their love deepened. Yet, this was not a fairy-tale ending. Eventually, they would discover that he was terminally ill. They embraced his remaining days with love, reminiscing and reflecting on their past. Despite the sorrow, they found solace in being reunited and cherishing the time they had together.

Gay Marriage, Gay Divorce

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 15:55:40 GMT

It's been just over 20 years since same-sex marriage became a prominent issue in Canada, first legalized in Ontario, followed by the rest of the country shortly afterwards. The Civil Marriage Act of 2005 positioned Canada as a leader in 2SLGBTQI+ rights, making it the fourth country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage.

Today, same-sex marriage is a well-established right in Canada, but the journey to this point involved significant challenges. Historically, marriage had been associated with heterosexual couples, making the fight for equal rights in marriage a major milestone for the 2SLGBTQI+ community.

Because marriage had been a staple of heterosexual life for eons, perhaps it could have been easy to overlook or simply not understand the struggle and fight the 2SLGBTQI+ community went through to have this same right.

The Stonewall Riots, which began on June 28, 1969, are widely recognized as the catalyst for the push toward equal rights, inspiring the observance of Pride Month. Another pivotal moment in 2SLGBTQI+ history came during the AIDS crisis of the early 1980s. The crisis brought attention to issues such as healthcare access and legal rights, including the ability to visit partners in the hospital and claim insurance benefits—issues that had not previously been part of the public discourse.

Today, same-sex marriage is much more common, and like all couples, same-sex couples may also face divorce. While the reasons for divorce are often similar regardless of sexual orientation, some challenges are unique to 2SLGBTQI+ individuals.

For example, some individuals may experience a sense of stigma surrounding their divorce, viewing it as a reflection on the hard-won right to marry. In addition, legal complexities may arise in cases involving child custody, especially when only one partner is the biological or adoptive parent. In such cases, non-biological parents may need to take legal steps, such as second-parent adoption, to establish their parental status.

The right to marry and divorce was a big win for 2SLGBTQI+ equality. The fact that same-sex couples can now marry and divorce, like their heterosexual counterparts, underscores the progress society has made in recognizing and valuing 2SLGBTQI+ relationships.

As societal norms continue to evolve, it is expected that these hard-fought rights will remain in place, ensuring that all people, regardless of gender, can experience the same legal recognition and opportunities in marriage and divorce. It will be as simple as just two humans getting married.

Navigating Your First Anniversary After Divorce

Tue, 14 May 2024 19:06:58 GMT

Going through a divorce can be a painful and traumatic experience. Once the dust has settled and you've started to rebuild your life, you may think the hardest parts are behind you. However, certain milestones can resurface all those difficult feelings in an instant.

One such milestone that can be particularly tough is the anniversary of your marriage - especially if it's the first one after your separation or divorce. Memories of happier times may come flooding back, bringing a complex mix of sadness, the sense of loss, regret, anger, or pain. You may struggle with how to mark the occasion, if at all.

I remember my first anniversary after divorce. It would have been our 17th. The house was on the market, and we were all still living in the home waiting for it to sell. I just needed to get out of the house that day.

A local business was looking for someone to hand out swag as they took four busloads of clients to the Casino, so I signed up. It was a three-hour bus ride, so I looked out the window and took in the sights - appreciating the autumn colours - and read a book. When we arrived at the Casino, we went to the buffet and ate lots of delicious food.

I had never been to a Casino before. I was mesmerized by the throngs of people and the chiming sounds of the slot machines. I spent the entire day people-watching, reading my book and just relaxing. I never spent a dime. The bus ride home at the end of the day was full of stories, laughter, and sharing cocktail recipes - the perfect distraction from my transitioning life.

If you find yourself facing this first marriage anniversary post-divorce with trepidation, here are some tips for getting through it in a healthy way:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Whether the anniversary stirs up positive or negative emotions, don't try to suppress them. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling - sadness, anger, nostalgia, relief that the marriage is over. Keeping a journal can help process these emotions.

Don’t Dwell on the Past

While it's okay to feel those anniversary feelings, be careful not to obsess over or ruminate on the past for too long. Revisiting your wedding album and rehashing every little detail of what went wrong will only keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward.

Avoid Social Media

Facebook in particular likes to show memories of significant events in your past. Previous anniversary posts can be painful to see. Delete or hide social media posts, photos, or memories connected to your wedding/anniversary that could trigger painful feelings. Or better yet, stay off social media altogether that day.

Mark the Day (or Don't)

Some may find healing in marking the anniversary in some way, even if it's just a quiet personal reflection. Others may prefer to completely ignore it. Do what feels right for you, not what you think you "should" do.

Start a New Tradition

If you do decide to mark the day, consider starting a new tradition to make it your own. Spend the day with the kids, or do an activity you enjoy like going for a hike, taking yourself out for a nice meal, or even volunteering. This helps create new, positive associations with the date.

Lean on Loved Ones

Don't go through this day alone if you can help it. Spend time with supportive friends or family members who can listen without judgment and offer comfort or distraction as needed. Sometimes simply being around others is helpful.

Be Kind to Yourself

Above all, don't beat yourself up if you struggle with this anniversary, especially that first year. Healing from divorce is an ongoing process without a neat timeline. Show yourself compassion, not criticism.

The first marriage anniversary after divorce is seldom easy, but it is possible to get through it with some preparation and self-care. Over time, the sting of the day will likely decrease as you continue rebuilding your new life and new identity. Have patience and focus on the present and future you're creating.

Coping with the Loss of an Ex-Spouse

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 13:36:57 GMT

There’s no Hallmark card for the death of an ex-spouse.

Losing an ex-spouse can be a complex and challenging experience, especially for those who have gone through the emotional turmoil of divorce. The inevitable mix of grief, nostalgia, and possibly unresolved feelings can be overwhelming and challenging to navigate.

A dear friend of mine recently experienced such a loss and it made me think about how I would react if an ex-spouse of mine passed away. How would I feel? How would I support their family and our children? Do I go to the funeral?

After doing a bit of research it became clear that many people struggle with this. Despite our best efforts, death is inevitable. And as a divorced person, so is the death of an ex-spouse.

Navigating Emotions

Despite the ending of the marriage, the connection and history that existed between ex-spouses remain, and the loss can bring about a flood of mixed emotions. It may trigger a resurgence of unresolved feelings, regrets, or unspoken words. It can even bring a sense of relief or closure.

The truth is it’s complicated. And while others may not understand how this loss affects you, know that your grieving process and the feelings you experience are all valid. Turns out there is a term for this. It’s called “disenfranchised grief”, and it means grief that may not be fully recognized or supported by others.

While people are quick to provide comfort and condolences to family and friends of the deceased, there is often little thought given to the ex-spouse. Or, people are simply unsure of how to react, not knowing how the ex might be feeling, so they do nothing. Thus, the feeling of being disenfranchised.

Supporting the Family

While the relationship dynamics may have changed, there is still a shared history and possibly children or extended family members mourning the loss. When it comes to supporting your ex’s family, it is essential to approach the situation with empathy and sensitivity, offering support and assistance where necessary, while also respecting boundaries and being mindful of the family's needs.

In the case of children, it’s important to remember that they are experiencing the loss of a parent. Depending on their age and the relationship they had with this parent, their grieving process will be very different from yours. Be sensitive to their needs at this time.

Funeral Attendance

The decision to attend an ex-spouse's funeral or not can be a challenging one. You’ll need to weigh your emotional well-being, the dynamics of the relationship with your ex-spouse, and the potential impact on the family.

Will attending the funeral bring closure, offer support to the family, or be important for your children? Then it may be the right decision.

However, if your presence might cause discomfort or tension within the family, it is equally valid to stay away and find alternative ways to pay your respects.

The experience of a divorced person upon the death of an ex-spouse is complex, encompassing a range of emotions and requiring careful navigation of family relationships and personal boundaries.

Recognize that your grief is real and that it is crucial to prioritize self-care, seek support when needed, and approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Remember, we grieve because we once loved. We grieve because we shared a history. We grieve because we cared for the same people. We grieve for what might have been.

Whatever your experience, honour your emotional journey.

First Out of the Gate

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 20:05:45 GMT

When Your Ex Takes Control of the Divorce Narrative

I consider myself a storyteller, yet we all know there are three sides to every story and therein lies the truth. In divorce, this couldn’t be more accurate. Every story depends on memory, feelings, and perspective.

I recently came across the term, "divorcelings” in a Psychology Today article . In it, a divorce coach coins this term to describe the party in a divorce that feels “blindsided, ashamed, and traumatized when divorce is put on the table."

She goes on to say that "Divorcelings may use their social networks to create false narratives about their spouse, to alleviate their humiliation about the divorce."

In an example, she cites a husband who refused to accept that his wife wanted a divorce. Unable to deal with his pain, he spread a false story to their pastor and friends that she was having an affair. Her friends stopped calling her and playdates with their children were cancelled. She was left isolated and confused.

This could be my story.

As wise King Solomon remarks on the importance of due diligence in Proverbs 18:17: "A person needs to hear both sides of a case before rendering a decision." Many claims and accusations seem plausible until scrutinized, do they not?

In divorce, the first to tell their narrative appears to have the upper hand. Neighbours, family, co-workers, friends – all hear about the hurt that they have been exposed to, giving way to judgement.

The second party out of the gate usually sounds like they are defending their honour and reputation against fiction and scandal. Truths that will be buried beneath hurt, pain and rejection from the first narrator. They can't help but sound defensive, justifying their position before those standing in judgement.

What I can tell you to be true about my first Ex is that he was a very good father and a good provider.

Yet, the divorce narrative he told was not completely fair and the truth was entombed beneath a damaged, aching heart.

In our Separation Agreement, we even inserted a clause stating that neither party would say anything disparaging about the other. I believe I held up my end of the bargain.

After the matrimonial home sold, I ran into my old neighbour at the grocery store. He gave me a look of disgust and accused me of ruining a "perfect family". He further followed up with an email to reiterate his viewpoint of how I was a home wrecker. I was being rejected in my community.

I will also admit how hurt I was that my family was also hearing one side of the story and accepting it as truth. My sisters went over to my Ex’s new house to help strip wallpaper off the walls and paint. They said it was for the sake of the children.

If that had been true, would they not have offered to help me set up my new home by painting or assembling furniture, or even taking the kids for a weekend while I worked two jobs to make ends meet? I was being rejected by my family, too.

I was being judged for having left the marriage, regardless of the real reasons. Nobody asked. My Ex had been first out of the gate with his narrative, and I felt like I was trapped in a prison of stories that I didn’t even recognize as facts.

And so, while you can’t control another’s behaviour, you can take charge of how you react. That sense of personal power helped me move through the narrative.

I made a decision – I wouldn’t let false allegations get to me. After all, what others thought of me was none of my business.

Rather than arguing with everyone who stood in judgement, NOT arguing about an untruthful narrative was the path I took. I could only hope that someday they would come to know the facts.

It's been 17 years since my divorce, and it was only recently that I received validation from my parents. They simply did not know what I had been living with all those years ago and had no idea how I had been feeling. They finally acknowledged me, and for the first time I felt heard.

They also see my Ex now, who he was and is, and how that narrative affected me all those years ago. They now understand my reason for leaving and my need to heal .

Finally hearing their words of understanding after 17 years of feeling judged based on one narrative was surreal. But it’s been good to be validated. I didn’t know I even wanted it until I got it. It has become the period at the end of a life lived long ago.

My Ex is a Narcissist: A Complex Portrait of Relationship Dynamics

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 20:16:16 GMT

Divorce is often a messy and emotional process, marked by the unravelling of a once-intimate relationship. It's not uncommon - with all these feelings swirling about - for one or both parties to label their ex-spouse as a narcissist.

The term "narcissist" is often used casually in everyday conversation, but when it is used in the context of divorce, it takes on a more profound significance. So why do so many people going through divorce label their Ex as a narcissist?

What is Narcissism?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a psychological condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. There are nine traits presented by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that indicate narcissism; however, only five of these need to be present to be clinically diagnosed as narcissistic:

A grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerated achievements, sense of superiority).
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believing they are special and can only be understood by, or associated with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
Needs excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement.
Takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends; is exploitive.
Lacks empathy.
Is envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Displays vain and arrogant behaviours.

While genuine cases of NPD are relatively rare, the term "narcissist" is often used to describe individuals who exhibit self-centred, manipulative, or egotistical behaviour.

So why does divorce bring out the narcissist label?

1. Coping Mechanism

The divorce process is a challenging one, and a time when we seek ways to make sense of the emotional upheaval we are experiencing. Labelling an ex-spouse as a narcissist can serve as a coping mechanism, giving a sense of order and understanding amid the chaos. By attributing negative traits to our ex, we can find a way to make sense of our pain and justify the decision to end the marriage.

2. Projection of Guilt and Blame

Divorce often involves a complex mix of emotions, including guilt, shame, and blame. By labelling our ex a narcissist we can deflect some of the responsibility and protect our self-esteem. Portraying the other person as inherently flawed or toxic, we can distance ourselves from any perceived wrongdoing and, in turn, feel a sense of moral superiority.

3. Emotional Betrayal

Narcissistic traits, such as a lack of empathy and a focus on self-interest, can be especially hurtful in the context of a romantic relationship. When a marriage breaks down, feelings of betrayal and emotional pain can be overwhelming. Labelling an ex-spouse as a narcissist allows us to better explain the betrayal or hurt we felt during the divorce process.

4. Control and Power Dynamics

Divorce often involves a renegotiation of power dynamics and control. In some cases, one partner may have felt dominated or controlled during the marriage. Labelling the other as a narcissist can be a way to reclaim a sense of control over the narrative, casting the ex-spouse as the antagonist in the divorce story. This can be particularly prevalent in high-conflict and high-profile divorces (like the Depp/Heard trial ) where there is a struggle for dominance and control over the proceedings.

5. Post-Traumatic Stress

The emotional toll of divorce can lead to symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Individuals may find themselves haunted by memories of the relationship, wrestling with trust issues, and experiencing intense emotional reactions to seemingly harmless triggers. Calling your ex a narcissist may be a way to process the trauma of the divorce and make sense of the emotional scars it has left.

6. Professional Validation

To gain closure and support during the divorce process, some may turn to mental health professionals for guidance. A therapist or divorce coach may use the term "narcissist" based on the reported behaviour of one party. This professional validation can reinforce the perception that the ex-spouse is indeed a narcissist, providing a sense of vindication for the individual seeking support.

I’ve met people who genuinely appear to have a narcissistic Ex as defined above. However, 100% of people I meet going through a messy divorce will label their Ex as a narcissist. It’s easy to understand why we do this, whether it’s a coping mechanism, PTSD or another of the reasons described in this post. So, while some individuals may genuinely exhibit narcissistic traits, we should approach such a classification with caution and recognize our perspective might be somewhat tainted.

Divorce is a deeply personal and emotionally charged process, and understanding the complexities involved can pave the way for emotional healing and a healthier life post-divorce.

How Friendships Evolve After Divorce

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 16:10:19 GMT

Navigating the shifting landscape

Divorce is a life-altering event that has a ripple effect throughout your life. While much of the focus tends to be on the impact it has on the couple and their immediate family, the transformation of friendships in the aftermath of divorce is complex and often overlooked. Friendships, once built on the foundation of a shared life with a partner, can experience profound changes as the dynamics of the relationships shift.

The Initial Shock

Divorce often comes as a shock to friends who have been part of a couple's social circle. Friends may be torn between supporting both parties or feeling obligated to take sides. Initially, there can be confusion, discomfort, and a sense of unease as individuals grapple with their own emotions and attempt to navigate the new landscape.

Taking Sides vs. Neutrality

One of the most significant challenges in post-divorce friendships is the temptation to take sides. Friends may feel compelled to align themselves with one party, inadvertently causing further strain on relationships. Maintaining neutrality can be a delicate balance. While it's important not to fuel animosity, expressing empathy and understanding for both individuals can foster an environment where friendships can adapt and endure the changes. It’s tough to balance, but it can be done with great rewards.

Redrawing Social Boundaries

Divorce often leads to a reevaluation of social boundaries and shared spaces. Couples may have had mutual friends and after divorce, individuals may need to redefine their social circles. This can be a painful process, as it may involve distancing oneself from certain friends or activities strongly associated with the ex-spouse. However, it also opens up opportunities for personal growth and the formation of new friendships. As your life changes, so can your friendships.

Supportive Listening and Empathy

Effective communication is the bedrock of any friendship and becomes even more crucial after divorce. Friends need to act with integrity, be supportive listeners and offer empathy without judgment along with trusted confidence. Divorce can be a lonely and emotionally taxing experience, and having friends who provide a safe space for expressing feelings without fear of condemnation can be invaluable.

Adjusting to New Realities

Post-divorce, individuals may experience changes in their living arrangements, financial status, and overall lifestyle. Friends once participating in a particular routine or set of activities, may need to adapt to these new realities. Annual ocean cruises with friends suddenly become unaffordable, and those vacations can be centred around child access schedules. During this time, friends need to show flexibility, understanding, and a willingness to be part of the support system as you navigate the challenges of the post-divorce landscape.

Rebuilding Trust

Divorce often leaves emotional scars, and trust can be one of the casualties. Friends who have weathered the storm of a divorce may find that rebuilding trust takes time and effort. It requires a commitment to understanding each other's perspectives, acknowledging mistakes, and working together to forge a new, stronger foundation for friendship.

Celebrating Individual Growth

While divorce is undoubtedly a challenging experience, it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery. Friends should actively celebrate the positive changes and personal achievements that arise from this transformative period. Whether pursuing new interests, taking on new challenges, or simply finding a renewed sense of self, friends can play a crucial role in supporting and encouraging each other's journeys. Celebrating those achievements – such as education in a new field, embarking on a new career, or even hosting the “divorce party” – can be a great way to support a friend.

Maintaining Boundaries with Ex-Partners

For friendships to evolve successfully after divorce, clear boundaries with ex-partners must be established. While maintaining an amicable relationship is ideal, it's essential to recognize the limits to avoid potential conflicts. Friends can provide guidance and support as individuals navigate this tricky terrain, helping to ensure that both parties can move forward without compromising their emotional well-being.

Embracing Change and Emphasizing Positivity

Friendships that endure after divorce are those that embrace change and emphasize positivity. Rather than dwelling on the challenges and hardships, friends should focus on creating a supportive environment that fosters growth, resilience, and the building of new memories. By emphasizing the positive aspects of the post-divorce journey, friendships can not only survive but thrive in the face of adversity.

The evolution of friendships after divorce is a process that requires patience, empathy, and open communication. Navigating the shifting landscape can be challenging, but with the right mindset, friends can contribute significantly to each other's healing and personal growth. By embracing change, maintaining neutrality, and fostering a supportive environment, friendships have the potential not only to endure but to emerge stronger and more resilient on the other side of divorce.

Bankruptcy and Divorce

Thu, 19 Oct 2023 16:50:58 GMT

They say that nothing is certain except death and taxes. These days, you could probably add debt to that list. Rising interest rates and inflation have resulted in historically high household debt , with consumer insolvencies expected to increase by 30 per cent over the next three years.

Financial stress can take its toll on a marriage and is one of the biggest causes of divorce. And, ironically, marital breakups are the biggest contributors to bankruptcy. It’s no surprise considering that, if you are already having financial struggles, you are now trying to manage debt on only one income, facing mounting legal costs and potentially looking at support payments.

Even if there were no financial issues in the marriage, a litigious divorce and having to manage debt and expenses on only one income can also result in the need to file for bankruptcy.

So what does this mean for a divorcing couple?

The timing of a bankruptcy is significant in the face of a marital breakup, especially if one party wants to keep the marital home. Filing bankruptcy before a separation agreement is in place vs. after a divorce is finalized has an impact on the treatment of joint assets.

Before divorce

If one spouse declares bankruptcy prior to signing a separation agreement, their half of the equity in the marital home comes under the control of their bankruptcy trustee. If you, the other spouse, wish to stay in the home, you will need to work with the trustee to purchase your spouse’s share of the property. If an agreement can’t be reached, the trustee can force the sale of the home.

If, however, your spouse files for a consumer proposal as an alternative to bankruptcy, their assets are typically protected from creditors, giving you more control over what happens to the marital home.

After divorce

Once a Separation Agreement is signed and a divorce is finalized any assets transferred to you as part of the agreement cannot be touched by a trustee should your ex-spouse subsequently file for bankruptcy. However, any joint debt such as credit cards or car loans could still leave you vulnerable to creditors, regardless of what was agreed to in the Separation Agreement.

In addition, for the spouse declaring bankruptcy, any court-ordered spousal or child support payments you are required to make are not discharged as a result and you are still responsible for these payments.

Avoid surprises

It is important to have all your financials in order when separating and divorcing, especially when it comes to debt. Credit cards, in particular, can be a source of surprise when it comes to an ex-spouse’s bankruptcy. For example, if you have a supplementary card on your ex’s credit card, you are jointly responsible for that debt even if you have never used it.

Deal with creditors directly. If your separation agreement states that your ex is responsible for paying off a credit card or loan, contact the creditor to have that card or loan placed in your spouse’s name only. If this is not possible, you will still be responsible for that debt should your ex default on payments.

There are pros and cons to filing for bankruptcy (or consumer proposal) both before and after a divorce. As in all financial issues, be sure to talk to a licensed insolvency trustee to understand your situation and the options available to you.

In a Separation or Divorce, Joint Tenancy vs. Tenants in Common Matters

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 16:13:35 GMT

When it comes to home ownership, do you know the difference between Joint Tenancy and Tenants in Common? Many people don’t. I certainly didn’t when I first started in real estate. Now, it’s one of the first things I discuss with my divorcing clients when they need to sell the family home.

For most couples, Joint Tenancy is the norm in home ownership. It means that you and your spouse or common-law partner have equal ownership rights over the property as if you were one person. As such, if one party passes away, their share of the property automatically passes on to the surviving party.

With Tenants in Common, you both have ownership rights over the property, but they don’t necessarily have to be equal (i.e. 50/50). The main difference, however, is that there is no right of survivorship - meaning, if one party dies, their share of the property does not automatically go to the surviving party.

Under Tenants in Common, you can assign a beneficiary for your share of the property by designating them in your Will.

Why This Matters

The separation and divorce process can take a long time. The sale of the family home doesn’t typically happen immediately (if at all). This part of the divorce process can drag on for months or even years.

In the meantime, life happens. New relationships may start, children come into the picture, or you may have children from a previous marriage. Whatever your situation, you may not want your share of the matrimonial home to go to your Ex. In this case, you must sever the Joint Tenancy and move to Tenants in Common AND update your Will.

And, you can do this without the permission of the other party, so in cases where there is conflict or disagreement and your Ex is being uncooperative , you can have this done and protect your share of the matrimonial home.

A Help in Moving On

Not all divorces are acrimonious and sometimes a change in ownership structure is a way to move on. As an example, Roseanne called me to discuss her impending divorce. After 34 years of marriage, the husband wanted out. Secretly she did too. They got along great, but mostly because they knew it would be easier to see each other at family events if they did.

They wanted me to list the matrimonial home. When I asked where they were each going to live, he had a rental property in place and she planned to buy. That said, they had no idea how to end the marriage and begin the process of divorce, so I sat them down and talked them through it, starting with the Separation Agreement .

She had been a stay-at-home mom for most of their marriage and wouldn’t qualify for a big mortgage. As a recently separated woman, she would also need a signed Separation Agreement to qualify and that could take months. They agreed that she would keep the lion’s share of their assets and he would keep his work pension. It was all fair.

She didn’t qualify for a mortgage alone, so they put the divorce/separation on hold, sold the matrimonial home and bought a condo townhouse together as Tenants in Common. They had a small mortgage on the matrimonial home, and because they bought the new one together, they were able to port the existing mortgage and place it on the new property. She is 99% owner of the property, and he is 1% owner.

After she moved in, they formally separated, leaving her the asset in the Separation Agreement, and the pension goes to him. It all became a paperwork thing. He is still on title with her, and she manages the mortgage payments. Once the term is over, they will remove him from title and she will then need to qualify for a new mortgage on her own with the signed Separation Agreement in place.

Because both parties wanted the best for each other, we were able to come up with a creative way that she could purchase, and he could leave. The only risk is that he could change his mind one day afterwards, but they trust each other to respect the arrangement. They are now moving towards divorce, she has a home, and he has moved on.

It is important to be proactive when separating to ensure your interests are carried out should the unexpected happen. Always consult with a family law professional in these matters to ensure your rights and interests are protected.

Can My Ex Sabotage the Closing of Our House Sale?

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 12:51:46 GMT

There are many ways an angry ex-spouse might try to sabotage the sale of the matrimonial home when going through a divorce, from refusing to accept reasonable offers to keeping the house in a state of disarray for showings. This is a form of what we call Wasting the Asset , and I wrote about an example of this in a previous post . Often, it’s done to prevent the other spouse from getting their fair share of the proceeds.

But let's say you've come through these challenges and have now sold the house. Can your Ex still sabotage the deal and prevent it from closing? The short answer is no. Once the Agreement of Purchase and Sale (APS) is finalized and signed, it is a binding contract. Any attempt to back out of this contract would be considered a breach and the buyer could sue.

However, there are instances where the closing could be delayed and, in some cases, jeopardized. For example, if there is damage to the property that wasn't present at the time of purchase, the buyer could require that damage to be fixed prior to closing. In this case, the seller would be responsible for the costs of repair.

This can be settled in several ways:

By providing the funds acceptable to the buyer for the repairs.
By delaying the closing until the repairs are completed.
By providing a holdback whereby the buyer closes on the purchase but withholds a significant amount of money to cover costs should the seller not cover the repairs. In this case, a real estate lawyer holds the funds until instructed to release them to the seller.

In some extreme cases, if the damage is severe, the buyer may be able to terminate the contract. This would require legal advice for both parties.

How can you ensure your closing goes smoothly? Your divorce attorney should be aware of the issues you've experienced with your Ex and the potential for sabotage throughout the process of sale. At this point, they should already have discussed this with your Ex's attorney and have a plan in place to deal with any issues that might arise.

The bottom line is that, once an APS is in place, any attempt to sabotage at this point is fruitless. Your Ex would only be hurting themselves and potentially become personally liable for any damage caused, financial or otherwise.

Creative Ways to Buy a House After Divorce

Mon, 19 Jun 2023 16:17:08 GMT

Starting over. The journey of buying a house after a divorce can be both daunting and liberating. It signifies a new chapter and the opportunity to establish a place that truly feels like home…your fresh start. However, this endeavour comes with its own set of unique challenges and considerations. From navigating financial adjustments to emotional healing, successfully purchasing a house after divorce requires careful planning, resilience, and a willingness to embrace change.

The practical logistics of purchasing a house after divorce require careful consideration. Exploring creative options such as shared equity, rent-to-own programs, or co-ownership arrangements can open doors to homeownership that may have otherwise felt out of reach. Each of these options necessitates thorough research, understanding legal implications, and assessing compatibility with your specific needs and long-term plans.

Let’s look at a few creative ways you can use to buy a house after divorce.

Shared Equity : Consider co-ownership of a house by sharing financial responsibility with a trusted friend or family member. It is nearly impossible today to qualify for a mortgage on one income alone. Pooling your resources with someone else makes mortgage qualification easier and allows you to share the costs of home ownership. Treat it like an investment – you live in one half of the house, a tenant/boarder lives in the other half. You now have income coming in to offset expenses. If you ever sell the home, you and your co-owner split the gains and you use those funds to purchase your forever home.
Mortgage Co-Signers : An alternative to shared equity is to get a co-signer for your mortgage. If you have a close family member or friend with a stable income and good credit, they may be willing to co-sign the mortgage with you. This can help strengthen your application and potentially secure better mortgage terms. This is a fantastic solution that gets you on your feet, and when renewing your mortgage in 5 years, you could have the co-signer removed provided you qualify for the financing on your own. This gives you full ownership, which is ultimately your end goal!
Inheritance : Money is one of the toughest things to ask family for. Often the family will want to help you in some way. A creative way to move on and into your own home is to ask for some of your inheritance early. There are advantages to doing this! There is potential to save on taxes and reduce probate fees, and your family gets the enjoyment of seeing you move ahead in life. Seek legal counsel regarding this matter, including your parents’ need to rewrite their will to address this advance.
Rent-to-Own : There are companies available that offer rent-to-own options. With this arrangement, a portion of your monthly rent goes towards building equity in the property, giving you the opportunity to eventually buy it. It’s a great way to build equity while you pay “rent” towards your future home. To qualify for rent-to-own, be aware that you must have an income of $100,000 or more.
Housing Co-operatives : Investigate cooperative housing or co-housing communities. These are collective living arrangements where members own a share of the property and work together to maintain it, providing a more affordable and community-oriented housing option.
Use RRSPs for Down Payment : Under the Home Buyers' Plan (HBP), first-time homebuyers in Canada can withdraw up to $35,000 from their Registered Retirement Savings Plan (RRSP) tax-free to use towards a down payment. This can provide a significant boost to your down payment savings. And as long as you have been living separate or apart from your ex-spouse for at least 90 days, you could qualify as a first-time home buyer again .

Ultimately, buying a house after divorce is not just about acquiring a property; it is about building a foundation for a brighter future. By combining practicality, emotional readiness, and a willingness to explore alternative paths, you can navigate the complexities of post-divorce homeownership and create a space where you can thrive, heal, and write the next chapter of your life.

18 Tips for Saving that Elusive Downpayment

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 13:51:38 GMT

If you show money the respect it deserves today, and carry it through in all your actions, then one day, when you can no longer take care of it, your money will take care of you. Respecting your relationship with money, you see, is the key not only to your security and independence, but to your happiness as well.

— Suze Orman, Women & Money

Respecting your money means taking care of it properly. To quote Suze Orman: “Your money is governed by how you treat it: it’s that simple. It thrives when you are being responsible, respectful, and doing honorable things with it.”

Shortly after I was first divorced, I was watching an interview with Suze on Oprah. She said some things that made so much sense to me. "If you respect money, you put it in your wallet and keep it organized."

So I started observing people I knew who had money and every single one of them put their money in their wallet! Those who didn’t seemed to be always digging around in their pockets trying to find where they put it. How many times had I just shoved money in my pocket or thrown it on the kitchen table?! I immediately bought a wallet and have religiously used it correctly ever since.

Suze also said, "money is attracted to those who respect it and are open to receiving it." To this day, if I find a nickel or dime (and yes, even a penny) on the ground, I pick it up and thank it for finding me.

Learning more about managing money and finances was my top priority following my first divorce as I worked towards saving for a home and my future.

In today’s real estate market, saving for a downpayment can seem like a dream too far out of reach. But with the right attitude, discipline and hard work, you can make it a reality.

Here are 18 ways you can “find” money and save for your first home.

Take on a second job and put those extra earnings straight into savings.
Reduce your cable and/or streaming expenses by cutting back to only what you really need.
Do you really need that landline? Most people use their cell phones for everyday use making a home phone an unnecessary expense.
Put yourself on a strict grocery budget and shop with a list. Knowing what you need will help avoid those impulse buys.
Cook at home and avoid eating in restaurants and using delivery services.
Consider paying cash for that second car. It won't be sexy but it'll save you money and serve its purpose.
Reduce your utility costs. Turn the furnace down a few notches and wear a sweater. Do laundry at off-peak times.
Put your tax refunds, raises and bonuses into savings.
Learn to live on 10% less income and save the difference. It takes sacrifice but it’s worth it!
Shop around for auto insurance and ensure you get the best price. If you opt for the higher deductible, your annual premiums go down.
Take lunch to work (leftovers from the night before) and bring your own thermos of coffee. You'll save $50-$100 a week just doing this!
Sell unused items around the home for some quick cash.
It’s too easy to “tap and pay” these days. Try using only paper money for purchases and save the leftover change.
Avoid paying ATM fees. If you withdraw cash from your own bank, it's usually free.
Renegotiate the interest rates on your current credit cards and lines of credit. Yes, you can do this.
Once you pay off your credit cards, get in the habit of paying the balance every Friday. You’ll never pay interest again, and those savings add up!
Review your chequing and savings accounts and look for accounts that have no monthly bank fees.
Take in a roommate or boarder. If you have an extra bedroom or unused basement, put it to work for you and earn cash every month!

One of the first things I say to my first-time buyer clients is to live like you already own your house. Figure out how much it would cost to pay for the mortgage, property taxes, and utilities and practice with this budget for six months. If you can do this, you can afford to work towards your dream! Save that surplus money in the bank until the day you buy, and you will be ready.

A lot of these tips have become permanent habits for me, but many of them were just for a time in my life – a short time. The sacrifices were so worth the reward.

Why Court Should Be the Last Option

Tue, 23 May 2023 20:35:45 GMT

To fight or not to fight is not really the question. When things aren’t amicable in a divorce it can turn into a battle of wills, with both parties fighting for what they feel is rightfully theirs. Things can get ugly and nasty, with emotions getting the better of both sides. These fights ultimately end up in the courtroom, can drag on for years and in the end, the only winners are the lawyers.

So, the question is not whether to fight for what you want out of the divorce, but rather how can you get the best outcome with the least amount of stress and cost. To litigate or not to litigate, that is the real question.

We all want what is rightfully ours or when children are involved, what is in their best interest. But in divorce, both parties don’t always come out equal. More often than not, sacrifices must be made (on both sides) in order to move forward with your life.

When you can’t agree on the division of assets, what to do with the matrimonial home, custody of the children, or even who gets the dog, then third parties need to get involved. This doesn’t mean you have to "lawyer up" and head to court. In fact, this is the last thing you want to do.

Staying Out of Court

There are a number of options for resolving disputes between parties separating or divorcing that I discussed in a previous post , such as mediation, arbitration or collaborative family law. In all cases, however, you should engage a family lawyer to ensure you understand your rights in whatever route you take.

Mediation, in particular, is a common legal alternative to litigation. In addition to being faster and cheaper, it is also:

fair and neutral, treating both sides equally
private - no public airing of dirty laundry
focused on problem-solving, rather than determining a "winner"

However, mediation is not possible unless both parties agree to it. It is also not appropriate in cases of domestic violence or abuse, where there is an uneven balance of power, intense conflict or an unwillingness to compromise.

Collaborative family law is another great alternative to resolving disputes out of court and where mediation is not appropriate. Each party hires a lawyer trained in collaborative practice, who may also bring in additional neutral parties to handle other aspects of the divorce, such as a financial specialist, a child specialist and even a real estate specialist.

This team approach ensures all aspects of the divorce are handled by specialists, all working together to resolve matters out of court. In fact, part of the collaborative process is that all parties agree to not go to court. There are many benefits to this collaborative approach, including:

a durable and controlled outcome since you’ve worked together to resolve issues, rather than having a court decide one for you
a team focused on the welfare of the entire family, reducing the negative effects of divorce, especially where children are concerned
cost savings when compared to court battles that can drag on for years

When to Litigate

There are times, however, when the only option is court. If one or both parties cannot agree to work together to come to some kind of agreement with the help of a third party, it may come down to a judge having to make a decision.

For example, in cases of domestic abuse, uncontrolled mental illness or addiction, or one party simply refuses to negotiate, litigation may be the best and only option.

Going to court is expensive and can drag out your divorce for years. If it is your only option, however, there are ways to keep your costs down . For example, avoid contacting your lawyer for every issue unless it is a real emergency, as all this communication time is billable. Make sure you have your financials in order and disclose everything to your lawyer as this is the biggest hurdle in getting procedures underway.

Final Thoughts

Divorce can be a messy process, with lots of emotions and hurt on both sides. But the more you can work together towards a resolution, the more positive the outcome will be and the better you will be able to move on with your life.

Staying out of court also helps remove that post-divorce awkwardness that can occur at special family events like birthday parties, graduations, weddings and baby showers. Instead, they can become a time of joy that you can celebrate together.

It’s Not the Brady Bunch

Mon, 08 May 2023 13:50:22 GMT

You have kids. Your partner has kids. Things are getting serious.

You want to take the next step and move in together; maybe even marry. How will the kids react to having new siblings?

I grew up watching The Brady Bunch . Two families joined together by marriage. Carol and her three girls; Mike and his three boys. While some early episodes touched on the difficulties of adjusting to a blended family, the show’s comedy generally focused on the trials and tribulations of adolescents growing up. The Bradys were portrayed as a normal, wholesome American middle-class family.

Mike was a widower and Carol was divorced, although I don’t ever remember her ex-husband being in the picture. That kept things neat and tidy from an extended family perspective. No sharing of parenting duties or other conflicts to deal with.

But if you are blending a family with ex-spouses still in the picture and shared custody arrangements, there are a host of additional storylines you must manage. And we haven’t even got to whether or not the children get along!

In The Brady Bunch , the children on each side matched up in age, went to the same schools and basically interacted as most siblings do, even forming their own pop group.

But life rarely unfolds as it does on TV.

So what is the best way to manage a blending of families in the real world?

First off, there is no “best” way because your situation is not like everyone else’s. There are too many variables to consider. How many kids are involved? What are their ages? Do they live with you full time or is it a shared arrangement? Are you moving into his/her house or are you buying a new one together? The list goes on.

Before you reach the point of “blending” however, there is the point where you introduce the children in the relationship. When and how you do this will depend on the age of the children. The younger the kids the more gently you will want to ease into this as they may find it a confusing time and may think their other parent is being replaced.

Depending on how long you’ve been divorced, don’t rush to introduce your kids to your new partner until you’re sure about them. Some experts suggest waiting at least three months. Kids are sensitive and more susceptible to feelings of sadness or rejection if things don’t work out.

When you are ready to make a commitment to a new partner and join your families together, here are some great tips from Rosalind Sedacca , a divorce and parenting coach:

Be patient - give both sides time to adjust.
Plan ahead - before you move in together, set agreements and expectations, discuss family rules and rituals to avoid any surprises.
Don’t discipline your partner’s children - leave that to the biological parent(s).
Expect jealousy - your love and attention is now being spread out. Keep the lines of communication open.
Address challenges - use family meetings to bring challenges into the open and discuss them together.
Be yourself - avoid overcompensating or compromising due to feelings of guilt or the desire to be accepted.
Be flexible - prepare to adapt as you go along, learning from what works and what doesn’t.
Respect the other parent - honour their place in their child’s life. There is room for everyone.

Bringing two families together can be very rewarding when handled with care and sensitivity. With patience and understanding and above all, communication, you can make it work and be richer for it. It may not turn out like the Brady Bunch, but then again, why not?

Separately Together - Nurturing Your Financial Identity

Tue, 02 May 2023 16:35:26 GMT

Years ago I read an article by Gail Vaz-Oxlade where she spoke about encouraging couples to have separate identities when it came to finances. It still holds true today.

She stated, "Coupling doesn’t mean make yourselves ONE; coupling means making a new economic unit."

I had to admit, Gail got it right. She didn’t encourage couples to live separate lives, but rather, maintain a separate financial identity . We are recognized as individuals when it comes to credit history, the government, and lending institutions, so why do we feel we need to merge every aspect of our lives?

Stuff happens in life. Sometimes it comes in the form of death, but it also can come in the form of disabilities, divorce or unemployment.

So many widows and widowers who relied heavily on their spouses to "handle" the financial end of things are so lost and confused when they are most vulnerable. We are seeing couples divorcing, not just after 5 years, but after 30 and 40 years of marriage. With frozen bank accounts and credit cards, many are left in a lurch because they don’t have access to cash, or do not qualify for credit to help out in the transition.

Having separate accounts keeps both of you engaged in what is going on with ALL your finances. My husband and I decided right from the beginning to each have our own separate finances…together! We each have access to the other’s accounts, banking info, and credit cards, but what it does is help keep our financial identities separate. We can still work together and make joint decisions on our financial plan and retirement goals without pooling everything together.

Separate accounts do not mean we are not invested in the relationship. It’s really about mitigating risk.

"Joint accounts are great for dealing with the monthly fixed expenses like your rent or mortgage, utilities, food, insurance and the like. But savings… well, savings should be a thing you manage individually" , says Gail. Great advice!

There are huge advantages to having separate financial identities when "life" happens so that you are not tied to your partner's credit history. When coaching my real estate clients, I always talk to them about the importance of securing a strong credit score. See my post on Improving Your Financial Life After Divorce .

The key is to have a healthy balance between partnership AND being your own person.

Moving With Kids After Divorce

Thu, 13 Apr 2023 14:11:36 GMT

Consider this scenario: You are divorced, share custody of your two children with your Ex (although they live with you), and get the job offer of your life. The only catch? The job requires you to move to another city in another province. What do you do?

Actually, the question really is, WHAT can you do? According to the Divorce Act , you will need your Ex-spouse’s permission to move with your children - even if you have sole custody . You will need to provide at least 60 days' notice, complete a Notice of Relocation form and send it to your Ex (and anyone else with parenting responsibilities for your children). Your Ex will then have 30 days to respond.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The decision to relocate your children away from their other parent is not an easy one. Ultimately, you need to do what is in the best interests of your children. And if it ends up in court, this is what they will base their decision on.

If you have a good relationship with your Ex, have a conversation with them and try to work out a solution to your parenting arrangement that works for both of you (and the children). Working out a solution outside of court is the best route to go if possible. Once it goes to court, you are at the mercy of the judge’s decision, which may not be what you want.

If you have a more tenuous relationship with your Ex, you can still come to an agreement outside of court by using a third-party negotiator or mediator.

If it comes down to a court having to make a decision, there are several factors that will be taken into account when determining whether the move is in the best interests of the children. These include, but are not limited to:

the children’s well-being, safety and security, both physically, emotionally and psychologically
the relationship they have with each parent
the children’s own wishes if they are old enough to express them

Regarding this last point, the older and more mature a child is, the more their wishes will be taken into consideration by a judge. And while you still have decision-making responsibility for a child until they reach the age of majority (18 years in Ontario), a judge is not likely to force a decision on a child of 16 years or older. However, no matter their age, a judge will factor in the child's views and preferences .

At the end of the day, it is best to work out a parenting plan that is fair to both of you and in the best interests and wishes of your children. Never move your children without the permission of the other parent or a court order authorizing the move.

How the House is Divided in a Short-Term Marriage

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 17:26:23 GMT

According to the Family Law Act, when a married couple gets divorced, the full value of the matrimonial home is divided equally between them. This is the case even if one party had purchased the home before the marriage. This is the only major asset treated this way in a divorce. Typically for other property and assets brought into a marriage, it is only the increase in value since the date of marriage that is divided equally.

But what if you’ve only been married for a short time? If you came into the marriage with a home you paid for and other significant assets, the equalization process can seem unfair.

I was involved in one case where the bride married someone that had just come out of bankruptcy. The marriage lasted less than 2 years and during that time they had built a new house. But because of his bankruptcy, this was all done with her funds and both the mortgage and title were in her name only.

When they divorced, he wanted half of everything. She was informed by her lawyer that a short-term marriage (anything less than 5 years) without children or any financial investment on his part was open to interpretation by the courts. In the end, he got 20% of what thought he was entitled to…and far more than he deserved in her opinion.

A short marriage on its own does not automatically mean there could be an uneven division of property. The court must determine that equalization would be more than unfair or unjust based on the circumstances.

The Family Law Act (Section 5(6)) provides room for the courts to award an unequal division of property where it is deemed “unconscionable” in the circumstances. Factors that can influence this decision include:

if the matrimonial home was purchased prior to the marriage and what contributions, if any, were made by the new spouse who is not on title
whether improvements were made to the property during the marriage
what financial contributions the other spouse made to the marriage
if there are children from the marriage

However, the threshold is high when determining whether an equal division of property is unconscionable. It is at the discretion of the court to determine this and the judge will rely on the evidence and facts presented. In the case mentioned, she had to prove without a doubt , that she was the sole financial contributor to the home. And as she was able to amass enough evidence, the judge agreed.

If you are getting divorced after less than 5 years of marriage and are concerned that your ex-spouse will be getting a disproportionate share of the marital property, it is important that you speak to a family law attorney about your situation.

Dealing With an Uncooperative Spouse in Divorce

Wed, 01 Mar 2023 15:38:15 GMT

Divorce is personal. It is also very different for everyone.

Each of my divorces was different. One was quickly settled out of court, the other lasted years and in court. I’ve worked with divorcing couples where one Ex only wanted what was best for the other (to the point where I wondered why they were divorcing!) to where one Ex put up roadblock after roadblock in the sale of the marital home.

We would all prefer the first scenario, where cooperation is foremost, and each side works towards a win-win. But the reality is, divorces are emotional, often initiated by one party, and can dramatically affect the lives of those involved. This can create tension and cause one party to act out and fight the process.

When this happens, understand that you can’t control how your spouse will react throughout the process of separation and divorce, but there are ways to mitigate the tension and make it through to the other side. Remember though, regardless of their actions they ultimately cannot prevent the separation or divorce from happening.

Put everything in writing. We all know the phrase “love is blind”. It implies that love can make someone overlook or ignore their partner’s flaws or negative qualities. In a divorce, those ‘rose-coloured glasses’ have come off and the opposite can be true. Your partner may focus on all the negative things you’ve said or done, even to the point of exaggeration or making things up. To avoid having your words or actions used against you, make sure everything you say and do is dated and well-documented during the entire process.

Talk it out. Whether with a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist, it’s important to talk things out with someone. Don’t keep everything locked up inside. It will only harm you. Even if that person can’t relate personally to what you’re going through, the process of purging your thoughts and emotions without judgement can be very healing.

Community Support. Divorce is not a quick process – it is a journey. DivorceCare™ is an organization that offers judgement-free support to those who need a safe place to heal. You can look for a local chapter here https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup .

Compromise. This isn’t going to work out 100% in either party’s favour. It never does. Meeting halfway on some things (or 70/30 in some cases) will show good intentions to resolve issues. Pick your battles and be realistic. I left more than I took in both divorces to help the whole process go smoother.

Be clear in communication. Just like putting everything in writing, don’t leave anything to the imagination. Be clear with your wants and expectations and urge your spouse to do the same.

Try to keep yourself mentally strong. There are going to be many ups and downs throughout the divorce process. It can be hard to see someone you once loved act out and say things in ways that hurt you. Keep up with exercise routines, eat a healthy diet, meditate, and connect with friends and family. All of these things will help to keep you mentally strong.

Give yourself time. Separation and divorce take time. Lots of it. Set yourself realistic expectations about a process that may take months, and when one party is uncooperative, sometimes years.

Maintain restraint. With emotions running high, it can be easy to start name-calling, or acting out against your former spouse. Restraint is the key, especially if there are children in the picture. Even if your Ex is acting poorly, you’ll be able to look back and know that you refrained and were mature through the entire process. It will set a good example for your children and one day they will appreciate you for it.

Hire professionals. Work with divorce professionals including family law lawyers, mediators, counsellors and Realtors® like myself who are certified in divorce real estate. They are skilled and trained to help neutralize tough situations to ensure that everything is done legally and as efficiently as possible.

Finally, remember to focus on the present and the future. What’s important right now is moving forward. Don’t dwell on the past or what could have been. Focus on taking a step forward and starting your new life. There is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror – the road ahead is more important than the one behind.

When the Kids Take Sides in Divorce

Mon, 13 Feb 2023 18:47:12 GMT

When I was going through my first divorce after 17 years of marriage, we had three growing children - a boy, age 15 and two girls ages 12 and 9. I was the one that left; the one responsible for breaking up the ‘happy’ home.

This was extremely hard on my teenage children and naturally, I was seen as the offending parent; the source of their hurt and anger. When I moved out, my son stayed with his father and the two girls came with me. Soon after, however, they also went to live with their father. Perhaps as they found his rules much easier to handle, perhaps they just needed to be with their dad.

There is a story in the Bible that comforted me during this dark time.

1 Kings 3:16–28 recounts that two mothers living in the same house, each the mother of an infant son, came to King Solomon. One of the babies had died and each claimed the remaining boy as her own. Calling for a sword, King Solomon declared his judgment: the baby would be cut in two, each woman to receive half. One mother did not contest the ruling, declaring that if she could not have the baby then neither of them could, but the other begged Solomon, "Give the baby to her, just don't kill him!"

The king declared the second woman to be the true mother, as a mother would even give up her baby if that was necessary to save its life, and he awarded her custody. This judgment became known throughout all of Israel and was considered an example of profound wisdom.

I would fight for them, but I wouldn’t fight over them. I may not have liked the situation, but I knew at least they were safe with their father, so I prayed, and I waited patiently.

A few years later, they became too much for my ex to handle and he sent the girls back my way. During those away years, my relationship with my children was strenuous at best. One was rebellious, one was angry, and one was depressed.

Divorce affects children in different ways and for teenagers, it can be especially hard. The teenage years are enough of an emotional rollercoaster on their own, where even small obstacles can be seen as catastrophic events.

Teens tend to make rash emotional decisions, which can result in them taking a side when their parents break up. They need to rationalize the hurt, and laying blame on one party is a way to do that.

This makes it hard for the shut-out parent to connect and reconcile with their child(ren) - especially if that child is being fed exaggerated or partially fabricated stories from the other parent. Unfortunately, children can get caught in the middle and be used by one parent to hurt the other. Sometimes this is done consciously, but often it can be done unconsciously or unintentionally by the way one spouse interacts with the other.

It’s often through the lens of pain.

As the estranged parent, what do you do? You can’t force a relationship with your kids, especially teenagers. It’s a hard enough age as it is.

You can’t give up and hope that one day they will come around. This can leave your children exposed to only one side of the story and the longer they are exposed to this side, the more it will become the only story.

For me, it was important to try to keep the lines of communication and contact open, in whatever way I could. For instance, my son would come over on holidays and just sit in the corner and put in time. But one day, when he was a young man, we had it out. And after many words, accusations, and tears, we purged our hurts and we’ve been close ever since.

My one daughter lives away but calls me regularly to update me on her life, calls for advice or just a pick-me-up on lonely days. My other daughter even had me stand up with her on her wedding day – such an honour!

I never gave up. I became a judgement-free zone and a safe place to come and vent. I loved them in spite of their feelings for me. As I evolved, they started to see me – the real me – without the veil of pain, anger and stories they were told.

But I did lose some years. And while that still stings a bit, I take solace in the fact that I have a wonderful relationship with all of my children now. In fact, it’s probably stronger than it might have been had I stayed in my marriage because I’m such a different person now. Much stronger, independent and happier than I’ve ever been.

It was worth the wait.

I was talking to a friend recently who was going through something similar with his kids. He’d been estranged from them for years but listening to my story and seeing my relationship with my kids now, gave him hope so he never gave up.

He’s now starting to renew his relationship with his children because he kept trying. As his children have gotten older, they’ve realized that there are two sides to the story and that maybe not everything they were told was true.

I guess the lesson here is about not giving up if your children take a side in divorce. It’s hard and it’s painful and even if it takes years, they will (hopefully) come around. But you need to keep trying and keep the lines of communication open as best you can.

Because even if they don’t want to hear your side of the story now, at some point they will be ready. Let them know you are always there for them and ready to talk when they are.

11 Things I Did To Improve My Financial Life After Divorce

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 16:24:24 GMT

When going through a divorce, damage often happens to the financial part of that joint union – minimum credit card payments get missed, bank accounts are locked, mortgage payments get deferred, car loans go into arrears, etc. The damage can seem irreparable, and I soon learned the errors of my ways.

Seventeen years of marriage had put me in a precarious position – almost everything we owned was in my spouse's name. When most couples get married, they start to merge their lives. She often takes his last name, they open joint banking accounts, they share joint credit cards, utilities are in his name, etc.

So, what do you do when you are the spouse left without a credit score or a significantly damaged one? I had a few thousand dollars in my pocket after the sale of the matrimonial home, but I didn’t have a good credit score and I was only into my career less than a year. No bank or credit card company would touch me.

It took a while to figure things out, but with a plan and a little discipline, I was able to turn things around. Here is how I did it.

Start with Credit: I had a good down payment for a home, but no credit score so I took out a secured credit card. These cards require cash upfront and usually come with slightly higher fees, higher interest rates and smaller limits.
Spend Strategically: I never spent more than 50% of the credit available to me on my credit card. This demonstrated to my card issuer, and in turn the credit bureaus, that I could responsibly manage credit.
The Discipline of Credit: I paid off my credit card every single Friday. I have never paid interest on a credit card as I’d rather have the money in my pocket, which eventually builds over time. I had a simple rule - if I couldn’t pay it off every Friday, I couldn’t afford to buy the items I wanted.

This is the slower way to build credit as credit card carriers WANT you to have a balance on your card so that they get paid interest (19% or more on most cards!). Having a balance and paying more than the minimum payment will help build credit a bit quicker albeit at the cost of paying interest charges.
Buy to Invest: After a few months, I found a lender who would let me buy real estate. I bought my first property, a small condo, for $105,000. It was expensive, but I took a 7-year mortgage term with a 7% interest rate and 7% cash back. I lived there for one month, then found a tenant to rent it from me. I was able to write off the higher interest rate at tax time, and I took the 7% cash back and invested it into RRSPs.
Buy with Mortgage Insurance: I then bought my second home a month later – my primary residence – with the balance of my money left from the sale of the matrimonial home. I had a high-ratio mortgage (less than 20% down payment) and had to buy CMHC Mortgage Insurance. Many buyers will try to avoid paying this fee at all costs; however, it was the very TOOL that I needed to get back into the housing market. It was a small price to pay. I’ve had no regrets and was able to purchase my next home without it.
Show Respect to Money: I know lots of people who don’t appreciate small change. Weighted in their pocket or wallet, they would simply donate it, give it to their children to buy candy or even toss it out of the window of their car. Money comes to you if you show it respect. If I found a dime in a parking lot, I would pick it up and thank it for finding me, then put it to work. I saw every penny as valuable, and I still do this very simple act.
Look at Your Money Every Day: Every morning, with a coffee in my hand, I logged into my bank accounts, credit card accounts, and savings accounts. I watched my money grow, I ensured that my credit cards didn’t have unusual charges, and I watched my mortgage go down. I confirmed that everything is where it should be. What you focus on expands, and doing this simple act allowed me to watch my money expand.
Save for the Future: It started with $25/week, putting money towards my RRSPs and TFSAs. It seemed so insignificant, but on top of the initial $7,000, that little bit of weekly money started to grow into more and more. “Pay yourself first” – a lesson that I learned when I read the book, “ The Automatic Millionaire ” by David Bach. That book changed my life and my mindset about money.
Rainy Day Funds: As a single mom, every penny counts. Yet, I was now in a position of relying on income that was at the mercy of the highs and lows of the real estate market. So, I lived like the market was always down. I set up a budget, chopped unnecessary expenses, and set my taxes aside in a high-interest savings account. I started setting money aside for the inevitable rainy day and eventually saved six months' worth of wages in the bank. I still live like that to this day.
Pull your Credit Bureau Annually: One thing that is within your control is to make sure that nobody is using your identity and credit score to their advantage. If old charges show up, you can dig into things further to have them rectified on your bureau. For example, old car loans that were paid off but the paperwork was never submitted to the bureau to reflect that.
Live Within Your Means: This one is a hard pill to swallow. If you are used to living in a big house with a fancy car, restaurant dinners several times a week, sunny vacations in March, designer clothes, etc., you’ll possibly find this one a bit tougher to do. I drove my car for nine years because it was paid for, I shopped at Value Village for my wardrobe, I went to dozens of yard sales to buy furniture and dishes – I did whatever it took to keep my money in my pocket.

Eventually, my life turned around, as will yours. Soon you’ll be back on your feet as you start your new journey. I found being grateful for every step in the process made it an adventure that I wouldn’t have missed for the world.

Navigating the Divorce Process

Mon, 16 Jan 2023 19:25:31 GMT

It’s not something you think about until it’s happening to you. When a marriage breaks down, it can be a confusing and stressful time. There are many things to consider, especially when children are involved. Where do you start?

I’ve been divorced twice and both experiences were very different. I had to navigate uncharted waters in both. The divorce process is different for everybody so when someone asks me where to start, it’s not always a cut-and-dried answer. While I certainly don’t know all the answers, I will cover some common steps to help you get started.

Let me preface this by saying I’m not a lawyer and you should always consult a legal professional for advice on your situation.

Grounds. One of the first things to understand is Canada has “no-fault” divorce and the only grounds for divorce is marriage breakdown. To show your marriage has broken down you only need to show ONE of the following:

you’ve been living apart for at least 1 year
there was mental or physical cruelty
your spouse had an affair

It’s important to note that for the latter two, you must provide proof. Therefore, you should speak to a family law attorney as soon as possible.

Separation. This is typically the first step in the process of getting a divorce. Cruelty or adultery are more complex and won’t be covered in this post as it is best to consult a lawyer.

Being separated doesn’t necessarily mean you have to live in separate residences. In today’s real estate market especially, this isn’t always possible. You just need to show you are living separate lives. A family law lawyer can advise you on what factors may be considered to show you are separated.

In deciding to separate, there are a few things you will need to determine from a legal standpoint so it’s important to start thinking about them sooner rather than later.

Children - custody, parenting time and child support all need to be considered.
Property and assets - how you will deal with the matrimonial home and divide other assets.
Spousal support - are you entitled to support and if so, how much and for how long?

Separation agreement. Working out the above will help you formalize a separation agreement. I’ve discussed the importance of this agreement in previous posts and how it is critical to helping you move on.

You don’t need to agree on everything before making a separation agreement and you can change it at any time. It will make the entire process smoother and is much easier and cheaper than leaving it up to the courts to decide.

You can create a separation agreement without a lawyer; however, I do recommend consulting a family law lawyer to ensure you understand your rights and responsibilities.

Mediation/Court . Sometimes you simply can’t agree or one spouse refuses to cooperate . In these situations, you may need other means to get to a resolution.

If you can stay out of court, you are better off. If you go to court, it is not only more stressful and more expensive, but you are leaving the outcome to a judge who gets to see a 15-minute snapshot of your life – they may or may not be sympathetic to your situation. While avoiding court might not always be possible, there are other options for resolving disputes:

Collaborative family law - if possible, use lawyers that practice collaborative law. They will work together to resolve your issues and reach an agreement out of court. They also typically work with other collaborative professionals such as financial planners and child specialists to help resolve different aspects of your situation.
Mediation or Arbitration - a mediator is a neutral third party who can help to work out an agreement between the both of you but will not make a decision for you, nor force you to come to an agreement. An arbitrator is similar, but they will decide how your issues will be resolved if you cannot come to an agreement.

Divorce. The final step in all of this is applying to the court for divorce. This is not the same as going to court to resolve issues, it is simply the legal step to being declared divorced. You will need to complete a divorce application. If your divorce is uncontested (i.e. you both have agreed to the terms), you only need to file one application. If it is contested (i.e. you don’t agree), you will each need to file a separate application.

Divorce applications are filed to a court in the province you reside in along with a fee. A judge will review your application and if everything is in order, will grant you a divorce. Once you have a Divorce Order you must wait 30 days before you can obtain an official Certificate of Divorce. You will then be legally divorced.

This is just a very simple view of a very complex process; however, I hope this helps you as you embark on your own journey of divorce.

It’s Not Always Happy Holidays

Fri, 16 Dec 2022 16:45:26 GMT

The Holidays are approaching, which is a time of excitement and anticipation. It’s a time when the world speeds up only to slow down for just a few days to celebrate with family and friends.

It’s a happy time for many. It’s a sad time for so many others.

I was watching a video today that hit home with me. The bravery that someone publicly showed to millions of people about their story. PLEASE watch it then come back to read this.

Society is struggling. I can’t imagine what people with mental health issues are going through. I don’t understand them but was raised in a family full of them. I am aware that Bi-Polar Disorder or Schizophrenia could affect my children or grandchildren at some point in their lives…or not. I watch them closely.

In 2007, I was sexually assaulted while doing my job. It’s one of the reasons I am adamant that my colleagues take safety seriously when doing their jobs.

The assault messed with my head. Vulnerable and alone, I was anxious, emotional, and severely stressed out over the whole thing. Someone asked me to report the person to the police, but I just didn’t have it in me to deal with that on top of everything else I was going through in my life.

At the end of my emotional tether, I went for counselling. I am grateful that in that one-hour visit the counsellor really saw me, determining I was burned out. I was going through a divorce, working two jobs to make rent, worried about my children, worried about their father and the end of our marriage, feeling like a failure, stretched to fatigue. In that state of exhaustion, I was assaulted. That straw broke my back.

The interesting thing is, that as the counsellor is telling me I am burned out, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see what she saw at all and struggled with this news. She suggested a vacation. A vacation?! How could I take time from two jobs, hand my children over to their father, and scrape up money for a vacation? That thought added more stress to my already-fragile mind. I conceded.

I carefully planned a stay-cation - a sabbatical of sorts - that took me to a bed & breakfast two hours from home. Less than ninety minutes of driving later, I couldn’t handle life anymore and pulled over on a back country road. There, I sobbed and cried. I had reached the empty in my tank. I stayed there for over an hour, melting.

When I finally arrived at my destination, I locked myself in my suite. I spent three days crying, bathing, sleeping, and journaling. I wrote long letters that were never to be seen to my ex, my children, my parents, and my family. I slept for hours on end in the middle of the day. I ventured out for breakfast, ate in silence, and went back to the safety of my room. My host couldn’t figure me out, but by the fourth day, I was ready to wander out of my room and into the local village.

It took three days of grieving and purging, breaking and reflecting to finally feel like stepping out. Many adventures happened on that trip that helped me heal, including listening to, encouraging and supporting a complete stranger who was at the beginning of her own divorce journey. Even in my brokenness, I was given the opportunity to help her. It, in turn, gave me hope.

After a week away, I finally had a newfound energy to head home to hug my babies and engage in life again. I was brave enough to seek help before I spiralled into a deep hole and for that, I am grateful. I am grateful to my counsellor Susan who saw me and nudged me in the right direction. She may have saved me.

So, how do you cope when the colour from your life drains into the grey?

I tell you my story to show you that I may look okay on the outside, but I’ve had my own struggles where I felt like a failure and a burden. Suicide did not cross my mind, thank goodness, but deep profound sadness was part of my journey, and with deep sadness comes irrational thoughts. I am pulling the curtain back so that you can see a small piece of my picture.

I have been exposed to suicide from afar. When I was young, a friend went for a drive in his car and parked it in a gravel pit. They found his body a week later.

Police tape off my neighbour’s house. He had gone into the basement with a gun and never returned. His wife was a widow after forty years of marriage and never left the home again until her eventual death from old age.

Another neighbour goes into his garage and never comes out. His wife finds him sitting in his car hours later. It’s too late.

A father, divorce imminent after thirty-five years of marriage, decides to take his life. His daughter keeps him on the phone while the police locate and save him. He checks into a facility to get well and does. He’s one of the lucky ones.

When I have spoken to the few who have contemplated suicide, they often find themselves in a dark pit of despair. In financial ruin and can’t see a way out, or they feel like they are a burden to loved ones, doing everyone a favour. Another where profound grief overtakes them, and they just can’t go on. Addiction, hopelessness, trauma – so many stories to tell.

I don’t even pretend to know the answers. Perhaps we need to stop judging those who are in pain. We need to reach out and talk. When people struggle with mental health issues, it’s often invisible.

Just because we can’t see it happening - doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real. The WHY doesn’t matter. What matters is that they may be crumbling inside.

If you are in pain right now – PLEASE hear me - there’s a difference between wanting to end the pain that you feel and wanting to end your life.

You can end the pain - without ending your life.

We want you here. Stay with us.

Maggie xox

Volunteers are standing by to help you. They really want to help you. Just pick up the phone and call any of the numbers below:

Wellness Together Canada 1-866-585-0445
Talk Suicide Canada 1-833-456-4566

Kids Help Phone 1800-668-6868

Hope for Wellness 1-855-242-3310

Buying Out Your Spouse in Today’s Market

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 16:25:44 GMT

A couple of years ago I wrote a series of posts about what to do with the marital home in a divorce. In nearly every initial conversation I have with a divorcing couple, one of the parties wants to keep the house by buying out the other.

This is completely understandable for many reasons - the kids are still in school; they love the neighbourhood; they’ve invested a lot of time and energy into making it a home. Whatever the reasons, the practicalities of keeping and maintaining the home on your own can make this a difficult option. And in today’s market, it is a near impossibility.

First, let’s understand what it means to buy out your spouse. In basic terms, a spousal buyout involves you paying your spouse their share of the equity of the home in order to release them from the mortgage and ownership (title) of the property.

Not only are you taking over the mortgage, you are also adding the share of equity amount to the mortgage you will need to finance. For example, let’s say your home is valued at $1 million and the mortgage is currently at $400,000. The equity in the home therefore is $600,000 and your spouse’s share would be $300,000. That means you will need a mortgage of $700,000.

And you’re now doing this on one income. But let’s assume you make an excellent salary, have a great credit score and after doing some quick calculations, you feel confident that you can manage this. The reality is, however, that rising interest rates and higher home values have made it extremely difficult to buy out your spouse.

First, rising interest rates have resulted in mortgage payments nearly tripling since February of this year. Second, the price of residential properties across Ontario grew by 30% or more during the pandemic, peaking in February. Since then, some markets - like Kitchener-Waterloo - have seen price drops of 20% or more and are expected to continue to decline into 2023.

While this might be good news from a buyout perspective, it depends on when you separated. I often talk about the importance of a Separation Agreement in divorce , particularly where the marital home is concerned. You cannot get another mortgage without one, so it’s needed for a buyout scenario.

A Separation Agreement contains a very important date - the date of separation (otherwise known as the valuation date). What many people don’t realize when considering a spousal buyout, is that this date is used to determine the value of the property. This means your equity buyout amount is based on the value of the property at the time of separation .

Going back to our previous example, if your home is valued at $1 million today, but you separated in February 2022 at the market’s peak, the value for the purposes of determining your equity split would be closer to $1.25 million. That adds another $125,000 to the amount you will need to finance.

There are a lot of factors to consider in a spousal buyout and today’s market is definitely a major one. Selling might be your best or only option . Talk to your financial advisor or mortgage broker to see what options might be available to you.

Common Law Separation Agreement

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 14:30:39 GMT

In common law relationships, there is no need for a formal separation or divorce. You can simply pack up and move on.

Breakups are never easy though. And while this may sound appealing to those who want to avoid the expense and formality of marriage, complications can arise when there are children or significant assets involved.

To be considered common law in Ontario you must live together for at least three years (or have a child together). If the relationship breaks down after this timeline there is no equal division of assets like in marriage. You simply walk away with what you brought in.

This includes the family home. If one partner owned the property prior to the relationship and is the only one on title, they keep the home. In some cases, you might be entitled to some compensation if you made significant contributions to the home.

Where children are involved, the rights and responsibilities for each parent are essentially the same as for married couples. This applies to both spousal and child support, as well as custody issues.

Do you need a Separation Agreement?

If your situation is not complicated, you probably don’t. However, if you’ve been together for a long time, have children or there are significant assets involved, things can get messy. A separation agreement - just like in marriage - can help to avoid costly courtroom battles. A separation agreement outlines the rights and obligations of both parties with respect to child custody, support, and division of property.

In terms of structure, they are essentially the same as those for legally married couples and you should consult a family law attorney for advice and set up.

It’s also worth noting that if you are coming into a relationship with significant assets, it is prudent to start with a cohabitation agreement , as it sets out from the beginning the rights and responsibilities of each party in the event of future separation.

Choosing a Divorce Lawyer

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 20:33:23 GMT

Recently I was asked by someone starting the divorce process “how do I pick a lawyer?”. Such a great question! A lawyer is typically someone you only need when you need them, depending on what you need them for. There are corporate lawyers, real estate lawyers, criminal lawyers, personal injury lawyers and many more. Unless you run a multi-million dollar corporation, you likely don’t have one on standby.

So, when you find yourself in a separation or divorce situation for the first time and need legal advice or representation, you need to find a lawyer. Whether it’s through friends or family or an online search, the hunt for the right lawyer can be a daunting task, especially when you are in a stressful and potentially vulnerable situation.

So how do you find the right lawyer for you?

In a separation or divorce, you need a family law attorney. However, within family law there are a number of disciplines, including child custody and support, adoption, prenups and of course, divorce. Some lawyers cover everything, and some specialize.

In a divorce, especially one that might get messy, you want a lawyer that specializes in divorce. I recently spoke to a lawyer friend of mine, and these are some of the main criteria he recommends when choosing a divorce lawyer:

1. Determine if you are able to go the route of Collaboration vs Litigation. Collaborative law is similar to mediation but with both sides working with their own lawyer and two neutral experts who help you find the best solution for the whole family. Litigation is a good match for couples who are fighting or otherwise feeling like they need to defend themselves publicly in a courtroom and is often very expensive.

2. Recommendations from family or friends. Like in real estate, word of mouth is one of the best ways to find a lawyer. If you have family or friends who have gone through a divorce and had a good lawyer, they can give you a first-hand account of what it was like to work with them. Ask them WHY their lawyer was a “good” lawyer for them.

3. Works exclusively in family law. As I said at the beginning, you want a lawyer that specializes, not someone with a multidisciplinary practice. Divorce cases can cover a range of issues from child custody to asset division to business holdings. You want a lawyer who deals with these issues every day and won’t miss an important detail.

4. Experienced. There are a few things here. Because divorce can get complicated, you want a lawyer that has done this many times before and has years of experience, preferring someone with significant experience in cases similar to yours.

5. Busy, but not too busy. While it can be tempting to go with a big name from a big firm, that person may be so busy that you’ll be dealing mainly with junior associates. You may want someone that has direct time for you, which may mean they either have their own practice or are in a smaller firm. You may even spend less money.

6. Assertive, but not aggressive. You want your lawyer to fight for you, but you don’t want someone that is out to antagonize the other party and stir up unnecessary arguments. This will only lead to more back and forth and a potential court battle that not only results in higher legal fees but a higher emotional toll as well. We call this a “conflict cost”.

7. Personality and style. In addition to the above, you want someone whose personality fits with yours. They don’t have to be your best friend, but you want someone who is empathetic to your situation, is honest with you and whom you feel comfortable talking to. After all, you are going to be sharing some very personal things with them. Their style is also important - especially when it comes to organization. Are they a bit dishevelled with papers falling out of folders, or are they neat, professionally dressed and have a relatively clean and organized desk?

8. Has a process, but lets you drive. This speaks to both experience and organization as well, but you want a lawyer that follows a process and explains it to you upfront. This is an emotional time, so having a structure and knowing what you need to do and the steps to expect along the way can greatly ease the stress of the situation. At the same time, this is your life and it’s important that your lawyer listens to your needs and wants and doesn’t try to steer you in a direction that you are not comfortable with.

9. Communication. Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, is communication. You want someone who can clearly communicate the issues with you, especially in complex cases; someone who keeps you updated on proceedings; and someone who answers when you call or gets back to you in a reasonable amount of time.

You’ll want to interview at least two lawyers to determine who is right for you. Give yourself time to find the right fit and ultimately trust your gut in making a final decision. However, in order to properly evaluate your choices, you’ll need a set of questions to help you judge.

I’ve put together a list of questions to ask a potential divorce lawyer to help you determine if they are the right fit for your situation. You can also download it here from my website under Client Resources .

Common-Law vs. Marriage: It’s More than Just a Piece of Paper

Tue, 13 Sep 2022 17:36:19 GMT

Mike and Melanie moved in together 12 years ago, excited to start a new life together. Neither saw the need for a ceremony, expensive party and a piece of paper to tell them how much they were in love. Mike already owned a house and when Melanie moved in, she started to contribute to household bills, helped out with the mortgage and bought furniture and other things to add a little feminine touch. It was unwedded bliss.

After a few years, they renovated the basement to create more living space. Melanie contributed both money and labour to this upgrade, which greatly improved the value of the property.

Now, 12 years later, their relationship has broken down and Melanie wants out. Since they were de facto married at this point, with shared benefits and shared taxes, Melanie assumed she would get half of everything they owned, including the house she helped improve and maintain.

Mike didn’t want to sell so he engaged a lawyer to understand his rights. Turns out, as I’m sure you have surmised, the cards are in Mike’s favour here.

In a common-law relationship, you own what you pay for. There is no splitting of assets equally between the parties as there is for married couples. This also applies to any increase in the value of an asset, even if you contributed to that increase. Basically, if you bought it, you keep it; and if you bought it together, you divide it.

Yet, there are always exceptions. So, what does this mean for Melanie?

Mike is the only one on title for the home; therefore, he is entitled to keep the home even though Melanie paid into it and helped improve its worth. However, because she contributed significantly to the home, she is not without recourse.

A first step would be to ask Mike directly for some compensation in consideration of her contribution. If an agreement cannot be reached, Melanie could then decide to make a claim under a principle called unjust enrichment in which she would need to show how she contributed to the property, how Mike benefited from that contribution and that he should not be entitled to keep that benefit alone. The courts will then decide what Melanie’s fair share should be.

As in most situations, avoiding the courtroom is better for all parties (except maybe the lawyers!). One way to avoid this scenario is to start with a cohabitation agreement when you decide to move in with someone. This agreement - like a prenup for married couples - sets out how property and assets are to be dealt with should the parties separate.

While no one enters a relationship thinking about separation or divorce, there is a business side to it that should not be ignored. Life happens. And while you may think the other party will do the “right” thing should the relationship not work out, the emotions that arise out of a breakup often prove otherwise. Protecting yourself just in case is never a bad decision.

Making Your Home Your Own After Divorce

Tue, 30 Aug 2022 14:22:36 GMT

“Out with the old and in with the new” is easier said than done after a breakup, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. Everything seems to hold a memory. Some good…some not so good. When you’re in the midst of a divorce, trying to sort through and divide possessions can be overwhelming.

Often - as was the case for me - you are quarrelling over items that you worked hard to acquire, have sentimental or monetary value, or were yours before the marriage. Whatever the reason, we feel we need to hang on to things...or the memory of things.

But the truth is that holding onto things can stop us from moving forward. Whether you’re staying in the marital home or starting over in a new one, it’s important to make it your own. And that starts with letting go of those items that remind you of the past.

As I said at the beginning, that can be easier said than done. It may not be in your budget to furnish your home with all new things so you may need to hang onto some items out of necessity. Where that’s the case, look for ways you can transform those items into your own.

A new coat of paint can change the look and feel of a dresser or table. Reupholster or cover a sofa with new fabric and throw pillows to give it new life. And if you’re staying in the matrimonial home, give rooms a fresh coat of paint, rearrange furniture, change out light fixtures, hang new artwork - put your personal touches throughout.

This is also an excellent time to declutter. Get rid of things you no longer need or clothes you no longer wear or like. A new life often inspires a new look and style, so not only will this give you more space for the new things that you like, it will also help clear your mind and give you room to move on.

Whether it’s your existing home or a new home, you now have the freedom to make your own choices, without compromise. This is your chance to make your home your own. As you sort through your belongings and what you want to take with you, ask yourself if they fit with the new you. If they don’t, let them go.

Those things that I wanted so badly from my first marriage ended up just being reminders of a past that I’d moved on from and their ‘sentimental’ or ‘monetary’ value no longer mattered. They became a weight on my shoulders. Today, not one of those items remains in my life. I’ve embraced a new life and ridding myself of those items made me feel lighter.

How to Help a Friend Going Through Divorce

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 14:44:51 GMT

When two people divorce, the aftershock can spread far and wide, especially if they have been together for many years. Often, it’s not just a spouse they are losing, but a circle of friends they shared. Some of those friends will take a side, while others will remain, or attempt to remain, neutral. Some just don’t know how to handle it at all, so they simply leave.

If you have a friend going through a divorce, whether or not you’ve “picked a side”, it can be challenging to know what to do or say. I’ve heard some say, “I’m so sorry” and others say, “Good for you!”. As someone who has gone through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, I’ve experienced the loss of friendships and community and experienced the blessing of friends who were there to help me through it.

Here are some of the ways my friends helped me when I was going through my divorce:

Just being there.

In a divorce, a lot of emotions are processed - from guilt to anger, sadness to grief. People process these emotions differently and having someone to talk it out helps that process. You don’t have to have all the answers or give advice – that’s often preferred. It just helps to have someone there to know you are not alone. I had a girlfriend that would just let me vent and process. She heard the same stories over and over again, and just let me say it all until I didn’t need to anymore. That process of purging my thoughts and emotions without judgement was very healing.

Providing support and shelter.

When I divorced after 17 years of marriage, I had no credit and I was just starting a new career . As I was sorting out what to do, a friend offered me a rental property she had vacant, lease free for as long as I needed. Offering me a safe place to stay with my children meant the world to me and is something I will never forget. And while grand gestures are not necessary or always needed, sometimes it’s just little things that make a big difference.

Cook a meal, bring over some groceries, help clean the house, offer to watch the kids while they run some errands or help them pack if they’re moving. Things that they might have relied on their partner for are things they might need help with but are afraid to ask for. Letting them know they still have someone to rely on goes a long way. I personally needed help in practical ways. Being allowed to “borrow” a friend’s handy husband to install a light fixture or repair the shower rod or install a new faucet was incredibly important to me. Even having the driveway shoveled after a big snowfall was a massive help.

Staying connected.

Going through a divorce, you don’t always feel very social and going out with friends can be too much to bear at times. Some people will leave you alone or feel awkward about inviting you out to “have fun” when you are not in a good space. The friends that make a difference are the ones that ask you out anyway, no matter how many times you say no. Because, at the very least, it keeps you connected. As a divorcing individual, you already feel self-judgement, and those invites make you feel wanted and accepted. And if today you don’t feel like socializing, tomorrow you might.

So, keep asking them out and be there for the long term. Because even after the worst is over, they are still on their own. Keep showing up.

A 15-Year Journey

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 18:12:33 GMT

I’ve recently celebrated a milestone in my career - 15 years of serving families. I reflect on the journey. It’s a bigger deal than you know.

I was married 17 years with three gorgeous children, and had been privileged to be a stay-at-home mom, tending to my home and family. It was very rewarding, but for almost 18 years I had been dreaming of the day that I could have a career of my own. That career was to sell real estate.

A few months after getting my license, my husband and I started the divorce process.

My world imploded. I lost the support of his family and friends, having very little backing from my own. Friends from our church fled, unsure of how to support a broken family. Neighbours no longer waved as I walked down the street. Heartbroken, I stepped into a vast pit of judgement, grief, and fear.

I barely showed up for the first Christmas after we separated. Crying, sleeping, and grieving in my bedroom was the limit of my daily activities. My children still can’t read my story about that Christmas – the broken Christmas. It was the hardest holiday I’ve ever endured but when it was over, I lifted my head out of my depression and, with trepidation, stepped toward my new life.

I was going through a divorce, becoming a single mom, starting a new career...and then I was sexually assaulted. One day, as I was putting up a for sale sign, an elderly man asked me to come evaluate his house. It was just up the street. Without hesitation I stepped into his trap. In that very moment I realized just how vulnerable I was in my new world. I was alone and felt it to my core. I missed my husband and friend, the one who would defend my honour and protect me from the evil things of this world. I felt forsaken, frail, naked. A second near-miss would happen one year later.

It was the undoing, the final nail, the last straw. It broke me. I found myself on my knees in prayer, facing my grief, my sense of loss, feeling alone and embracing an uncertain future.

I left my children with their father and journeyed to find myself in my fatigue. I sat on a bed in a log cabin where I mourned and slept, bathed and journaled for days. Hours of quiet, sitting in my pain, processing my thoughts, purging my agony, praying my prayers, feeling my emotions. And, forgiving myself. That sabbatical lasted seven days, then I came home to start again.

Starting over is challenging. Starting a new career at the same time – undeniably impossible.

Fifteen years ago, at the beginning of my career, I was cleaning houses and retail stores to make my mortgage payment, and I poured myself into my career. Hours of extra training, sitting at the feet of those who had perfected their craft. Open houses every weekend, classes three days a week, showing houses to anyone who would let me…while cleaning homes in the morning and stores in the evening.

I embraced my farm girl roots and worked hard, often at the sacrifice of my children. They are the true heroes in this story. Caring for themselves while I worked evenings and weekends. Waiting for me to just…come…home and tend to their broken hearts as their family transformed. Fighting to forge ahead in my new life, I left them alone too often. I have been working to make up for that ever since.

My second husband came into my life when I was at my most vulnerable. Afraid of judgement from others, being alone again, or even disappointing him, I agreed to marry him. It was abusive, and toxic, and it would be brief. Yet, it became the making of me. In his attempt to shred me of my dignity and my finances, I learned to stand up for myself, to fight like a champion. It birthed a passion in me to fend for other families going through divorce.

Healing came and eventually I felt whole again. Hugs from my children, snuggles from my trusted dog, support from my new tribe, nuzzles from a favourite mare. Accepted and forgiven, I soldiered on to become who I was destined to be.

In all the years of slugging it out, I only considered quitting once. I was four years into my career and wasn’t finding work. Desperate, I started looking for a job when an opportunity to work at RE/MAX was presented to me. I grabbed that lifeline and within three months I was the seventh most productive agent in the office. RE/MAX saved my dream.

In these last 15 years, I’ve been a team leader, a real estate trainer, a landlord, owned my own brokerage, and survived two divorces. I have sold over 250 homes, and have given out more than 300 Thanksgiving pies. I’ve completed training as a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert™, and most recently, received education in Interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce training.

I’m most proud that I am now living my best life with my best friend and husband. Together we serve our local church, and started our project known as The Lily Pads - a furnished place for families who are between homes because of divorce or waiting on a new home to be built. We are grandparents to eight handsome grandsons and our one (finally!!) breathtaking granddaughter.

The journey has been nothing short of profound, and I look forward to serving my clients for another 15 years. To celebrate, I had ice cream.

Home Appraisal vs. Opinion of Value

Wed, 25 May 2022 14:35:20 GMT

Last year, I wrote an article about the difference between a Comparative Market Analysis (CMA) - commonly promoted as “free home evaluations” - and the less common Opinion of Value. Both are used by sellers to get an idea of what their home is worth in today’s market, but where the CMA provides a pricing range, an Opinion of Value provides you with an actual value based on the real estate agent’s knowledge and research.

The other end of the spectrum for evaluating a home’s worth is the Home Appraisal. This is a far more comprehensive valuation of the home and can only be done by a Certified Appraiser, who is an independent third party to a transaction.

Home appraisals are typically enlisted by the buyers to determine if they are paying a fair price for a home. They are also used by lenders to determine the amount of financing available to the buyer. In some cases, a seller may get a home appraisal if they require a more accurate assessment of value, as is often the case in divorce or estate sales.

Home appraisals are comprehensive evaluations in that they not only consider location, comparable properties and market conditions, they assess the actual property itself. This includes the condition of the home both inside and out, number of rooms, square footage, amenities and more.

The main differences between a Home Appraisal and an Opinion of Value (which also provides a market value number) include:

Comprehensive assessment - a qualified home appraiser has specialized training and looks at the finer details of a property, from roof shingles to plumbing to electrical wiring.
Used by mortgage lenders - if you need a mortgage or are refinancing, lenders will only rely on a professional appraisal to determine your mortgage amount.
Certified - while a CMA or Opinion of Value can be done by any real estate agent, only a trained, licensed appraiser can provide a Home Appraisal.
Cost - Home Appraisals cost between $300-$600. Some agents may charge for an Opinion of Value, but CMAs are free.

When buying or selling a home, understanding the fair market value of a property is important, whether it’s ensuring you’re paying a fair price or ensuring you are getting a fair price. At the end of the day however, valuations and appraisals are just a starting point, and a seller will only get what a buyer is willing to pay.

Working with a trusted Realtor® will help ensure you have all the information you need to make the most informed decision possible as both a buyer and a seller.

What Happens to the Cottage in Divorce?

Tue, 10 May 2022 14:29:07 GMT

Cottage ownership is a dream of many Ontario homeowners. It’s a chance for weekend getaways or spending entire summers in ‘vacation mode’. It’s a home away from home.

But what happens when divorce hits? This can be an emotional topic, as the cottage is often where many happy memories are made, and special moments celebrated with family and friends. If that cottage was indeed a “home away from home” it may also be considered a matrimonial home. And in divorce, a matrimonial home is divided equally between the spouses.

Under Ontario’s Family Law Act , couples can have more than one matrimonial home. Basically, a matrimonial home is any residence - in Ontario - that is habitually occupied by the family at the time of separation. So even if only one spouse is on title or it was purchased before marriage, both spouses have equal rights to occupy it and it cannot be sold without both party’s consent.

Keep in mind that this only applies to property in Ontario. Secondary homes or cottages located in another province or country do not qualify as a matrimonial home under Ontario family law.

The designation of a cottage as a matrimonial home is not black and white and it may be up to the courts to decide if it qualifies. However, if you’ve been using it as a family - even if only a few times a year - chances are it will.

If you are considering buying a cottage before marriage, how do you protect your ownership of this asset should you marry and later divorce? The best way to protect a secondary property is through a prenuptial agreement that specifically excludes it from being shared. It is important to note, however that the rights of possession and protection from a sale as noted above, are still available to your spouse under the Family Law Act .

What if you’re already married? If you are the only one on title, you can still protect this asset. If both spouses designate the “city” family home as their matrimonial home, then any other property not registered by both spouses ceases to be considered a matrimonial home. Both spouses must agree to this, as a designation by one spouse only will have no effect.

One final point to note is that these rules do not apply to common-law couples, even if you have children together. Always consult a family law lawyer regarding property ownership and division to ensure you understand your rights and obligations.

That Dreaded Separation Agreement…is Actually Liberty

Fri, 22 Apr 2022 14:58:14 GMT

When it comes to separation and divorce, one of the most misunderstood documents is the Separation Agreement. Some couples don’t bother with one, others fight over what to include in it, and some simply don’t know where to start.

But first, what is a Separation Agreement?

A Separation Agreement is a legal contract between a separating couple with no intention of reconciling. It outlines the rights and responsibilities of each party regarding the division of assets, financial support, childcare, and anything else that is affected by the separation.

Another area of confusion is the difference between the divorce and the Separation Agreement, which are two completely different things. A divorce is simply a stamped document by the courts saying you are no longer married. That’s it. It means you are free to marry again (or stay single!). The Separation Agreement though is the business side of a marriage breakdown as it outlines how everything you had together is divided.

While it is not mandatory to have a Separation Agreement to legally separate or even divorce in Canada, it is highly recommended, especially when a matrimonial home is involved. Not only does it provide some peace of mind by documenting your rights (and obligations) regarding your former spouse, it is the only way to move forward with your life if you need to sell the home.

You should always have a formal Separation Agreement in place that outlines all financial terms before attempting to change anything pertaining to homeownership.

First, and most importantly, when a matrimonial home is sold the proceeds are divided between the spouses as per the Family Law Act . Often, these proceeds are relied upon by one or both parties to purchase a new home or fund other accommodations. In other words, they are essential for moving on. Without a Separation Agreement in place, however, it is likely that those proceeds will be held in trust by a lawyer.

A Separation Agreement outlines how these funds are to be distributed and therefore, they cannot legally be disbursed until this directive is in place.

Secondly, if one spouse wants to buy out the other spouse to keep the home, they will need to qualify for a new mortgage to finance the purchase. In order for your mortgage to be approved, lenders will require a Separation Agreement as this outlines any support payments you are entitled to receive or to pay, impacting your overall financial picture. This would also be the case if you wanted to purchase a new home.

As an example, I once had a client who worked at a bank and wanted to buy out their ex-spouse in order to keep the children in the home. This individual came to me with a copy of a pre-approval letter from the lender; however, it had a number of conditions attached to it, including the need for a signed copy of a Separation Agreement between the divorcing spouses. This couple wasn’t even close to coming to terms with an agreement. In the end, the home was sold to another buyer.

In many cases, selling the home is the best, and often necessary, option. So, unless you don’t need the proceeds from the sale right away and have another property you can move into, it is paramount that you get a Separation Agreement in place as soon as possible. Even if you can’t agree on everything right away, sometimes even a “draft” agreement is enough to move forward.

Don’t dread the Separation Agreement. It is indeed your path to liberty!

What a Waste! (of an Asset)

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 19:15:25 GMT

Recently, a colleague approached me with a question about a friend’s matrimonial home that was going Power of Sale by the lender. We’ll call the friend Jane (not her real name).

Ten years ago, Jane moved to Canada, met a fellow and got married. Things did not last, and after being estranged for a length of time, she moved out of the matrimonial home. Now in her late 20s, they have a 6-year old child together, have been separated for three years and are not communicating. There is no Separation Agreement in place.

Jane was recently served with papers from their bank threatening to put the house on the market under Power of Sale because the mortgage payments are in arrears. A lawyer advised her to sell the house. In order to save the asset, she reached out to see if I could list the home for sale.

In my research, I discover that both the home and mortgage are registered to the husband and his mother only. Jane is not on title. Unfortunately, I must inform her that I cannot list the home for her as it would be deemed an illegal listing. I would need the permission and signatures of both the husband and mother as they are on the title and mortgage.

To me, this situation begged the question - knowing that the local real estate market has soared over the last few years, there was bound to be a ton of equity in the home worth fighting for. Why then would the husband and mother waste that equity and allow it to go Power of Sale?

I asked a series of questions to find out more information, and my colleague and I ran through a few scenarios. I felt it came down to one conclusion. What if there wasn’t any equity left in the home to waste?

My assumptions proved correct. Husband and mother had spent the equity in the home through various loans (liens on the property). There wasn’t anything left. This is called “Wasting the Asset”.

What does this mean? Wasting the asset is a phrase that essentially means the value of an asset is dissipated or reduced in value, either directly or indirectly, through the actions of the owner. Sometimes this is done intentionally in order to prevent the other spouse from getting their fair share of the proceeds.

While I don’t know the intent of the parties in this case, it highlights the importance of staying on top of the financials in a separation or divorce and watching for signs of potential issues, such as unusual spending patterns, luxury purchases or frequent travel.

In my own personal life, I discovered that my ex-husband, who had always paid the mortgage throughout our 17-year marriage, stopped payments when we separated. When the home sold, I found out that I didn’t qualify for a mortgage because my credit score had been destroyed by these missed payments. I had to work hard to improve my credit and have been obsessed with maintaining a perfect credit score ever since.

Like my experience, Jane’s situation is another great example of how important it is to not only understand your financial situation when you separate but, where possible, to separate your finances from your ex-spouse as soon as you can. Get your own bank account and your own credit cards. Your credit score is critical for you to move forward with your life, so protecting it is paramount.

As their trusted professional, I coach and encourage my separated couples to work together to keep their credit intact. That may include a tough conversation about who is going to make the mortgage payments while they separate and figure out the next steps. It’s not enough to assume that one party will take responsibility for it without a conversation.

So, what happened with Jane? In an effort to protect her credit, Jane approached her bank to discuss being absolved of any responsibility for the missed mortgage payments. She knew that her credit score was her passport to any future financial opportunities and in the end, the bank granted her a pardon.

Where There’s a Will…There’s a Way

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 22:42:04 GMT

My husband and I recently had a bit of a health scare that prompted us to look at the business side of marriage – the Will. Any conversations regarding Wills are challenging. The “what ifs” create interesting conversation.

We all recognize that having a Will and keeping it current is very important. The initial first round of writing a Will is where the difficulty comes in. It can be painful and emotional. It forces you to really look at the relationships in your life – like the ones that currently aren’t working, yet you long for them to correct. It forces you to look at your precious items of value – are they really that valuable?

You begin to envision a small gathering of anxiety ridden prospective beneficiaries all dressed in black, wailing in emotion and distress in a dark paneled office. Dainty handkerchiefs wipe away alligator tears, with one eye on an attorney who enters the room with the golden ticket – it’s the reading of the Will. The anticipation is palpable and in that elevated room of emotion, disappointment can set in when one finds out that they are left with an old smoking pipe of your grandfathers, and the balance of the enormous estate goes to a local charity. It’s the thing movies are made of!

Alas, our lives are probably not this exciting and we are not likely going to experience this sort of drama. Yet it does bring up the subject in such a way – do you know what the end of your life will look like for the family?

Comedian Jack Benny left a touching instruction in his will when he died in 1974. Every day after his death his wife received one long-stemmed red rose at her home for the rest of her life. She died in 1983.

Anthony Scott, in his last will and testament wrote: ‘To my first wife Sue, whom I always promised to mention in my will. Hello Sue!’

Sara Clarke of Bournmouth directed in her will: To my daughter, I leave $1 – for the kindness and love she has never shown me.

In today’s modern family, things can get messy. Especially if there are heirs and dependents from more than one relationship.

Imagine this scene: Divorced after 7 years of marriage and three children, you meet another who has three children from a previous marriage, and they become like your own. You remarry and have a child together, only to find out that it was a mistake - the end of the marriage is inevitable. Separated, but not divorced, you journey further down the road in life and meet another...your soulmate. Neither of your divorces are final, so you decide to live together in happy bliss.

Then life happens and it becomes clear that you have occasion to construct your Will. Imagine muddling through all of this – his children, her children, your children, and all the spouses! First ex, second spouse, and now a common-law spouse. So many people to consider… and so many opportunities for many to dispute your Will.

You won’t be around for the drama, yet protecting the ones you love is critical! You may be shocked to find out that there are legal changes that happened recently regarding Wills and POAs that might cause you to take this subject more seriously!

Being prepared is invaluable. The best advice I ever got from a lawyer was “you are better to make a bad decision, than no decision”. I’ve taken that to heart and I update my Will every five years.

Constructing a Will starts with who makes decisions on your behalf if you should become incapacitated. It’s called the Living Will. Should it be your sister or oldest child, current partner or will the ex have full authority? Who decides how you live out your last days?

Beyond the Living Will, who is beneficiary to your life insurance policy and pension accounts from previous employers? Who gets the RRSP’s, TFSA’s and Government pensions? If the beneficiaries don’t align with what is stated in your outdated Will, a judge may determine the final outcomes. It helps to get these things sorted out now, not later.

What about real estate holdings? Who keeps the house and the cottage? Does that depend on who is on title and in what capacity? Does it go to the estate or the co-habitant? How is the mortgage addressed?

Heinrich Heine, a poet from Germany, left his widow Mathilde all of his money under one condition: she could inherit it only if remarried. Heinrich explained his strange stipulation by saying “Because then, at least one man will regret my death.”

People have the freedom to make or not make a Will. They are also free to make or not make a beneficiary designation. When they separate or divorce but fail to update all aspects of their estate plan, this can have unfortunate and unintended consequences for their estate and their beneficiaries.

It is simply not sufficient to just update your Will. Good professional estate planning advice can help address these problems and ensuing litigation can frequently be avoided. So many things to consider but doing them now is important. If you don’t want everything to go to your ex, make sure you update your Will!

The Art of Letting Go

Wed, 12 Jan 2022 08:19:08 GMT

Letting go of something that has had a significant impact on your life is hard. A past relationship can be one of these things. When divorce happens, it can take a long time to move past the life you had in marriage, the hurt, the loss, the regret. We can become tethered to that past, preventing ourselves from moving forward.

It’s like a horse pulling a wagon up a hill…there is a constant tension present – necessary to keep the wagon tethered to the horse. That tension can eat away at us, keeping us from finding happiness again. It distracts us from stretching forward, forcing us to glance behind.

Letting go is a process; it takes time. One of the reasons it’s so difficult to let go of the past is because it’s familiar. Letting go means becoming vulnerable enough to move into the unknown – the future.

Here are some suggestions to start the process of untethering yourself from the past:

“The past should be a learning experience not an everlasting punishment. What’s done is done.”

– Unknown

“Journal writing gives us insights into who we are, who we were, and who we can become.”

– Sandra Marinella

Acknowledge what is holding you back and why you need to move past it.
Tony Robbins calls this one of the most important parts of the process because having a reason and purpose to drive you forward will help you stay focused.
Focus on yourself.
Don’t forget to check in and see how you’re doing. Just because you don’t achieve the big goals right away doesn’t mean you’re not making progress.
Journal the journey.
Write those thoughts, lessons and emotions down. It becomes the building blocks of moving forward and embracing the transformation of you.
Surround yourself with positive people.
More good advice from Mr. Robbins . The more you are around positive people who are focused on growth and progress, the easier it will be for you to move forward. This also falls into the law of attraction. The more positive you are, the more you will attract positive things into your life making it easier for you to let go of the negative past.

Lessons from a Divorce Sale

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 08:19:08 GMT

After talking to two lawyers and not getting the answers and advice she needed, Niki was getting frustrated because she was holding a mortgage on a house that she wasn’t living in. As often happens in divorce, one party is dragging their heels and one is anxious to go. In this case, her ex’s heels were dragging…for three and a half years. Their initial agreement was that her ex-spouse would buy her out of the house. But after all this time, nothing had happened.

How did you meet Niki?

I was introduced to Niki through her mortgage lender. She happened to have a relationship with the same lender that I frequently work with, and when discussing her situation with him, he recommended that she speak with me. He knew that I specialized in couples going through divorce and introduced us via email.

How did you approach your first conversation?

Empathetically to start. I emailed her back letting her know I was sorry that she was going through a divorce, shared my credentials and suggested we have a conversation. We connected via Zoom, partly because of the pandemic but also because it is imperative for me to remain neutral. In the event both parties desire to use me for the sale of the home, it’s important that I appear to both as unbiased, fair and neutral. I did not want to meet in person to help maintain this neutrality. I was there to simply gather the facts.

These facts included things like where they were in the divorce process, how many years they were married, who’s on the deed, who are the family law lawyers involved, etc. Once I had the facts, I was then able to make recommendations for her on the next steps to take to get things moving along for the both of them. During this conversation, I remained neutral and generic, phrasing recommendations for both parties, like “this is where you both need to…”.

“My first zoom conversation with Maggie was more informative than both lawyers I had tried, and any other person I had spoken to that works in Real Estate!”

~ Niki

What happened next?

I didn’t hear from Niki for several months. Then one day I got a very emotional call from her, telling me there was a For Sale sign on the lawn of her house. I had to ask some exploratory and uncomfortable questions, such as if this was something that she was unaware of, if there was a power of attorney in place, and if there were capacity issues. Awkward questions but ones that are very important to ask. I always preface these questions by saying that while they are difficult, it’s important that I’m dealing with all the facts.

I was then able to offer her recommendations on how to handle this situation and have the sign removed from the lawn since, at this point, the matrimonial home was unlawfully listed.

When it finally came time to list the home, her former spouse did not want to work with the same agent as her, which often happens when the two parties are in conflict. She elected to work with me, so I was then able to fully engage her as my client. This means I’m no longer working for them (i.e. being neutral) and can focus on helping her get through the process.

What is your approach to working with the other party’s Realtor® in a divorce sale, particularly if they are not trained in divorce real estate?

Working with another agent who is not trained in divorce real estate can be a challenge. Traditionally I am court appointed and handle the sale on my own. In such a case, it is not obvious that it’s a divorce situation. When two agents are on the listing it can be more challenging to mask the motivation for the sale.

In this situation, Niki’s ex-spouse chose to co-list the house with another agent. I’ve been fortunate to work with excellent local agents when co-listing, however communication is crucial. Whatever the other agent says to their client, they must communicate that back to me, and I relay it to my client and vice versa. We are essentially acting like mediators and making sure everybody is on the same page and understanding next steps.

Beyond communication, it’s critical to fully understand the process of divorce and selling the matrimonial home. In the case of divorce, I confidently take the lead and give correct guidance and directions.

If the other agent doesn’t understand the process fully or makes an error, I can quickly navigate a correction. It’s not impossible to work with another agent, it is simply not preferred as it is much easier to communicate with both parties directly to ensure all involved are in agreement, and to keep the motivation of the sale more discreet.

What were some of the big issues you had to deal with in this situation that were unique to a divorce sale?

Because the house was listed unlawfully in the first place, I had to direct my client on how to have it removed from the market and then advise the other agent how to move forward in the best interest of both our clients. That was a challenge in and of itself as the other agent assumed the other party (Niki) was onboard without realizing the ‘war’ that was going on behind the scenes.

Further, the ex-spouse had changed the locks to the house such that my client (who is still the homeowner) wasn’t able to get in. While the home was listed, the ex-spouse went out of town. There were lightbulbs that needed replacing and answers regarding wiring and mechanicals that Niki needed receipts for in order to answer the questions, but the locks had been changed again. While this is considered an unlawful act (she is still an owner of the house) it is quite common in these situations.

Dealing with an agent that may not fully understand the divorce process, the legal rights of both clients and how to best serve their client in this situation is also a challenge. They do not always know what they should be advising their client. In this situation, the agent assumed both (family law) lawyers would work together to close the real estate transaction. However, I pointed out that there was no separation agreement in place.

Without a separation agreement, a neutral real estate lawyer needs to be involved, separate from the two family-law attorneys representing each client. This independent real estate lawyer is necessary to hold the proceeds from the sale in a trust account until they are lawfully instructed by both lawyers to release the funds according to the separation agreement. This is the business side of divorce.

What were the main lessons learned from this sale?

The bottom line is a divorce sale is not a ‘regular’ real estate transaction. Both parties are very stressed, legal bills are piling up and there may even be a lawsuit going on. They don’t trust anyone, so trust has to be earned. What I know without a doubt is that any couple going through divorce needs to be heard.

It is imperative that I remain calm and confident. I listen, I ask questions, I stay on point. I’m empathetic to their situation and understand it at a very high level. In the end, I showed Niki that she made the right choice by having complete control of the situation for her, and I earned her trust by skillfully handling the sale.

Every time I handle a divorce sale, I realize more and more the need out there for agents to specialize in this area of real estate. As it stands, I am currently the only Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert® in Canada.

Finally, with each divorce sale I also recognize how passionate I am about helping couples move on in their journey.

“The care she took handling the details with my situation, empathy (a rare trait these days), and respect for me is above and beyond what I expect!”

~ Niki

How Many Turkey Dinners?

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 08:19:08 GMT

As I plan for Christmas this year, I take into consideration the journey of my Christmas’s past.

We are hosting “Christmas at Grandma’s” this year – turkey and all the trimmings. I haven’t been able to do this for many years, but I love that I can now pull out some familiar traditions to celebrate with the next generation. Memories of old will come alive again in our home with children as young as two making a mess, eating too much candy, swimming in a sea of wrapping paper on the living room floor. It is mayhem that I can’t wait to see.

We haven’t always been able to do this. For many years the reminder of memories past would be a bit salty and sombre to reflect upon. I’ve come a long way from earlier Christmas’s that you can read about here .

Some years my children would be with the ex-spouse and I would be home on my own. Many years prior I recall only seeing my niece occasionally because she would be at her father’s house for the holidays. It’s just the reality of reforming families.

While making all these awesome plans, I think about my children who are now adults raising their own. There are numerous turkey dinners to attend! Mine, their father’s, and their stepmother’s side. Then there are the in-laws and all their traditions. Those in-laws may also be remarried so there is hers, his and perhaps even an extended aunt! Perhaps a turkey dinner for the company Christmas party, and do they dare consider hosting their own small intimate family soiree?

That’s a lot of turkey, a lot of gifts, a lot of driving, a huge commitment.

As I brush the dust off some old traditions, I recall some of the new ones that I had adopted to make Christmas more personal to me and to make new memories special. You don’t have to create the holidays exactly as they were to be memorable.

Here are a few suggestions:

Remember the good set of Christmas dishes that get used once a year? Ditch them. Use your everyday dishes and jazz them up with new placemats and different centrepieces. If your family likes gravy like mine does, then serve it out of a water jug instead of a gravy boat! Nothing like a fresh look to make new traditions.

Pyjama Day has a whole new meaning if you get everyone the exact same pair of pyjamas, or even an ugly Christmas sweater to wear on Christmas Day for those infamous family photos! Even the dog should get new threads!

Get new ornaments for the tree. I took every single ornament from my past life and gave them to my children to either keep or toss. You know the ones – the family Christmas tree covered in macaroni art and paper angels with the glitter worn off! I have asked my children every Christmas since then to buy me a new ornament from my favourite décor store. Now my tree is sparkly and special, covered in new decorations given to me by my children.

Invite someone new! My children are used to their mother inviting a friend or two to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. No one should be alone, and there are plenty of people going through their “first holiday of firsts” that need a friendly, welcoming distraction.

Try making something from your heritage and incorporate it into the holiday meal. Aye Lass, there’s nothing like a hearty Haggis staring at you at the Christmas feast!

When my children were growing up, I always made the most incredible sweet sticky buns for Christmas morning. They would be coming out of the oven just as the children would wander into the kitchen rubbing their sleepy eyes, gazing in wonder at the many presents under the tree. We stopped that tradition for a number of years, but they have now asked for it so that their children – my grandchildren – can have the same pleasant memories of “Christmas at Grandma’s” when they grow up. It hugs my heart.

Time together matters so much more than what is under the tree or on the table. Take lots of pictures, play an old album of Christmas music in the background, toboggan down a hill, and watch Christmas through the eyes of children. It’s magical!

My gift to you this Christmas is this Sticky Bun recipe that I’ve been making for years. ENJOY!!

"For many years the reminder of memories past would be a bit salty and somber to reflect upon."

Divorce and Work Life

Mon, 08 Nov 2021 19:30:00 GMT

Going through a divorce is hard. Even when it’s amicable. And when you have a job to go to, it can be an unwelcome distraction. How do you keep going at work when your personal life is falling apart?

In my experience, there are three main things you should focus on to help you get through this difficult time and still maintain a productive work life.

The first centres around your boss and co-workers . Do you tell your work colleagues that you are going through a divorce? Most people will tell you no and to limit those “in the know” to your boss and HR. This is good advice.

While it may be tempting to tell people you work closely with, the office/work grapevine can result in your personal life spreading far beyond your comfort zone. This can create unwanted attention, sympathetic looks or judgement that you simply don’t need.

It’s important for your manager to know. Like any major life event, it can affect your work. When your manager is aware of your situation they have the opportunity to be more accommodating to your needs, such as time off to handle appointments or even to help delegate some of your workload if you become overwhelmed and need some time off.

You should also let your HR department know, especially if you need to update insurance or pension options. They can also help if you need to change to a more flexible work schedule to accommodate added responsibilities around childcare.

Secondly, you need to take care of your mental health . The early stages of a divorce can be the hardest and most emotionally draining. If you can, it’s important to take some time off work to give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with your new reality – just as you would if you lost a loved one. Even if it’s only a few days, this time off can help you come to terms with your situation and feel all the emotions you need to feel without worrying about work. And keep track of your vacation and sick days so that you can take a day off here and there when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed again.

Take care of your physical health too as this directly impacts your mental health. Avoid overindulging in alcohol, get plenty of exercise – even if you just go for walks to get fresh air and clear your head – and eat healthy meals. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by “carbing up” with a junk food binge, but building self-care into your routines both at home and at work will help you get through this difficult time.

Finally, give your work focus . Work can be a welcome distraction at this time. It gives you something to focus on besides yourself and gives you a purpose and control over something when your personal life is feeling out of control. Work can also give you a place to feel “normal” and “needed” when you may not be feeling either right now.

This doesn’t mean that you should throw yourself back into work to the point it becomes all consuming. This is not healthy either. Keep your work at work and ensure you still maintain balance with your other responsibilities, especially children, as well as taking care of yourself.

Your work life can be a place of safety and stability during a divorce. By keeping a focus on your career, while maintaining your physical and mental health, you can set yourself up for a better life post divorce.

Marriage Burnout

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 17:05:00 GMT

Marriage burnout is a thing. While the term ‘burnout’ is usually associated with work and stress, your relationship with your spouse can also reach a point of burnout.

The added stress that has come from the current pandemic has brought this issue to the forefront for many. We’ve had to change the way we live, work and play. And these changes can put a strain on relationships, especially on ones that are already experiencing issues.

For these couples, the pandemic may simply be accelerating the point of burnout.

In my last post , I talked about how I experienced burnout after 17 years of marriage by trying to live up to an ideal that was simply unattainable. In today’s social media world where everyone’s lives are on display – or at least the lives they want you to see – it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your life simply doesn’t measure up.

And the pandemic has only exacerbated this as many of us are spending more time on social media to feel more connection to the ‘outside’ world. And ironically, this desire to feel connected can come at the expense of becoming disconnected from our marriage.

But whether it’s the pandemic or influences like social media, television or your church that have created a set of ideals you simply can’t or don’t want to live up to, marriage burnout can happen to the best of us.

While these issues may bring it to the forefront, marriage burnout is most often a result of longer-term issues that have built up over time. In my case, 17 years.

How do you know if you’ve hit burnout?

You may find yourself increasingly annoyed or irritated by your spouse’s behaviors or habits. You’d rather go out with friends than go on a ‘date night’ with your spouse or be secretly relieved when he goes away for a weekend with the boys.

You’re just going through the motions and the intimacy is no longer there. Plus, you’re physically and emotionally exhausted with no will or energy to put anything into your relationship.

Does it mean it’s over?

Only you can answer that question for certain as only you know what is in your heart. The important thing is to recognize the signs and then assess your situation. Is your stress coming from the marriage itself or are other factors at play? Sometimes we take out our frustrations on those we love. Talk things over. Get outside help if needed. Take some ‘me’ time to gain some perspective and tap into what you’re really feeling. And take a break from social media.

Then, whatever the outcome, you’ll be better prepared for whatever lies ahead.

Pearls and High Heels

Thu, 30 Sep 2021 14:21:00 GMT

I grew up in a time when the real world would have you believe that you could be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect everything. I had examples like June Cleaver on “Leave it to Beaver”. The virtuous middle-class woman who would fetch her husband’s slippers, serve her family a delicious home cooked dinner, have the perfect answers to all of her son’s questions about life – all this while wearing pearls and high heels.

Martha Stewart – the guru of all things crafty, delicious and entertaining. The perfectly folded fitted sheets, dinnerware for every occasion, home décor made with her own hands, every meal made gourmet with home grown ingredients and perfect pie crust, impeccably arranged flowers from her garden – easy breezy, right?

I had an idealism in my mind that I had to do it all. Keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook homemade meals, grow a weed-free garden, volunteer at my church, have my children involved in extracurricular activities while maintaining top marks in school.

On top of that, I was watching all the other moms making a huge success of their families. I took up scrapbooking, quilting, and working out at the gym. I attended the ladies’ bible study at church, volunteered on the Parent Teacher Council and served pizza lunches on Thursdays. If I was neglecting my spouse, I would agree that he could have that new truck or boat or go away with the guys – he could have whatever his heart desired. I was so proud of the happy life we were portraying. The only thing missing was the string of pearls.

Keeping it real. I created the Martha Stewart ideal of the perfect home, the June Cleaver ideal of the perfect mother and the church’s ideal of the “Focus on the Family” perfect family life. It was all a farce.

The very thing that I was trying so hard to do was the very thing that brought me down. Pride goes before the fall – and perfectionism is a form of pride. I was crushed under the weight of it. I couldn’t keep it up and eventually experienced burnout after 17 years of trying to live up to those unattainable standards. I was a complete failure as I dropped every single ball that I had been juggling for years. I had been climbing the pile known as comparison and rejection. It affected my self worth. It affected my children. It affected my marriage.

I was lost and dazed when I let it all go, including the marriage. I lived with shame and guilt. I felt ostracized by my church, judged by my family. Ugly and unforgivable.

I lived with guilt for smashing the illusion of the perfect life for my children. I was ashamed that I couldn’t keep up the image of the perfect family for my church. I was judged by my peers and family. Not one person asked, but rather made assumptions about why this all came crumbling down. Neighbours would comment on how I had the perfect life – you know the one with the white picket fence, 2.3 children, a golden retriever impeccably brushed – the “picture perfect” life. How could I throw this all away?

My children will tell you that they lived the perfect life and had the perfect mom despite the divorce. They were supported and loved, fed and educated. They went to school with messy hair and grass-stained jeans just like everyone else.

After years of wandering, I finally discovered comfort when I tucked myself in under the wing of God – my Saviour – and rested. I started searching for His words and thoughts about me. He told me who I was and didn’t compare me to anyone else. I watched Him show me how much He loved me as He rescued my life. I let Him show me how to move into the next chapter of my journey, then show me again as I would stumble over my past. I humbly sat with Him, and He restored my soul.

This is where I found peace. This is where I found joy. It wasn’t where I thought it would be, in those chapters of unattainable perfection.

I need to acknowledge my friend Dawn, who inspired me to tell this part of my story. She is a truth teller and inspires others to keep it real, to tell their stories so that they can bring healing to others.

My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, yet it’s better than I could have imagined. It’s better than perfect. Even minus the pearls.

"I created the Martha Stewart ideal of the perfect home, the June Cleaver ideal of the perfect mother and the church’s ideal of the “Focus on the Family” perfect family life. It was all a farce."

The Sparrow

Tue, 10 Aug 2021 18:11:00 GMT

“His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” Matthew 6:26

The other week I was doing laundry, hanging clothes out on the line. I went to pull the line in, and as I did a little sparrow that had been sitting on it got caught in the wheel. Feathers were flying, he was distressed. I quickly reversed direction, releasing this poor little creature. He was unsettled and unstable trying to stay on the line, tail twitching and wings flapping. He was clearly unbalanced. His partner came to his side trying to understand his stress and pain. She couldn’t do anything but be there. He eventually flew into a neighbouring tree, and she went with him.

I love birds. We have a huge assortment of birdhouses in the backyard, with a potential for more if we could find a place to mount them. We have wrens and finches, mourning doves and cardinals, sparrows and chickadees. We feed them all year round.

Each birdhouse has babies to feed, with mother and father both working hard to provide nourishment to their growing offspring. Back and forth from feeder to babies to feeder for more. It’s never ending. Every once in awhile an adult will flutter down to our pond, stepping into the water flow where they can grab a quick drink and a bath. It’s quite magical.

I’ve also noticed that I am quite present when this is going on around me, and this simple time in my backyard gives me hours of contentment and entertainment. The birds are very comfortable with me being out there with them, and my husband says that I am like Snow White. It makes me chuckle every time.

The male sparrow builds the nest in the hopes of persuading a female to mate. I have watched a male spend weeks checking out a new hole – in and out, assessing, wondering if it would suit. Then he begins to build. Other birds have partners and babies to feed, but the male will sit alone by his new nest leaving only to get building materials. If patient, he will eventually be one of the lucky ones, finding a mate to raise their family. I find the whole process fascinating.

So, having this male bird in distress because of my actions brought great anxiety and sadness to me. Would he just go away to die? Do they mate for life? Would she be left alone to feed these babies on her own? Would the babies be abandoned? It broke my heart.

A few days later I was sitting quietly by my pond, watching a frog waiting for bugs, and of course all the activity around the bird feeders and nests. Without warning a lone male sparrow sat awkwardly on the fence alongside me, perched on one leg. He softly landed by the waterfalls of the pond, hopped in for a quick drink then left again. I kept watching for him to return, and a few minutes later he drifted by me. I instantly knew it was him. What a gift it was to see that he was alright, and back on task. It was like he needed me to see him, to know that he was fine.

He fluttered over to the feeder then to the nest. Instead of landing on the perch, he awkwardly leaned into the hole using his wings as leverage to press into his peeping chicks. He couldn’t land the way a normal sparrow would, but he had adapted. Such resilience!

Watching this bird survive his trauma has been a gift, and I was reminded of a few things through this ordeal.

During the trauma of my divorce there was a scripture that I had clung to as if it was life itself. I let its truth sweep over me again and again – if a little bird would always be cared for, I knew that I would also be fine. It gave me the strength to go on.

I was scared and stressed. I wanted to crawl into a hole, curling into the fetal position, weeping in helplessness and insecurity. Was I going to be alright? What would happen to me? How was I going to survive the changes that were soon to transpire? Was I going to have to sell my home? Where would I go? How will I afford this?

Watching this little bird, it dawned on me how I had also adapted when my life had become broken and shattered. I didn’t know how to go on, but somehow I did. I had adjusted to a new single life. A life of aloneness, but peace. Fulfillment in my career and relationships. A time of focus on my mental well being. A chance to journal my heart’s pain. A time to lean into God as He wrapped His wing around me, giving me a quiet place to weep and grieve and heal. I felt safe there.

The bird hadn’t gone off to die, or to give up on his family, but rather adjusted his placement on the perch in order to fill those starving mouths. His partner would come in for a landing right after him, and away they went fulfilling the tireless task of filling baby bellies. His desire to live and serve his family far outweighed his desire to go someplace quiet to die. He knew he mattered as I had learned that I mattered.

Sometimes we hurt others without meaning it and sometimes others hurt us. When he landed near me, I felt absolved of any guilt that I was feeling. I felt forgiven. Forgiving others, seeking forgiveness, forgiving ourselves – it matters to those on our journey. In forgiveness there is the process of giving it, receiving it, and accepting it. Forgiving (and being forgiven) is liberating for all parties.

Sparrows do not mate for life. Yet, in his distress his partner stayed as his faithful one for a season. Just being there was enough. For us, it’s ok to cry and to fall apart with that kind of friend. We don’t have to be strong when we are not, and it’s in those times that healing comes. Friends will come, stay, then go along their journey, but the right one always seems to be there when we need them.

When the time has come that the brood leaves the nest, these two little ones will part ways. I’ll be watching to see if he brings a new one home to start again.

This little bird will never be the same, and neither will I…and that’s okay. We both have picked up the amazing attitude of doing things differently, while still being part of our families and society. I promise you, it’s going to be alright.

Paying It Forward

Fri, 16 Jul 2021 13:58:00 GMT

Years ago, when I was going through my first divorce, I was lost. I had just left my husband of 17 years, and a Stepford Wife’s life that left me ill-prepared to start over on my own with three children.

When the matrimonial house was sold, I had nowhere to go. I was in the middle of a divorce, had no credit and was still trying to sort out my next steps. A Realtor® friend of mine came to my rescue.

She had a vacant rental property and offered it to me – lease free – for as long as I needed it. I could not afford cable, had one pot and just enough dishes for one meal, and we slept on mattresses on the floor. It was the safe haven that I needed for myself and my children, giving me time and space to reflect on my next steps.

I could never put a price on this generous act and how it saved me, and I vowed then and there I would one day pay it forward. And this month, that dream is realized with the launch of The Lily Pads .

The Lily Pads is a culmination of this vision to pay forward the generosity that was shown to me years ago. It started with a home I bought after my second divorce. A little fixer upper that had an annex at the back that was ideal for a quaint rental unit. My vision was forming.

This annex would turn into the Summit Suite and has helped numerous people with space to heal, to reflect, or to start anew.

Today, the Summit Suite is joined by two additional units now available lease-free to those needing temporary, furnished accommodation in Kitchener. Together, they are affectionately known as The Lily Pads.

The Lily Pads are designed to be a comfortable place to call home when you are “between pads”. Each one has been designed with its own personality, reflecting some important and influential people in the lives of myself and my husband. The Liliane is inspired by my husband’s mother, who forged a new life for her family in Canada after the War. And The FUNky Revival , inspired by my good friend Linda who’s generosity started me on this path all those years ago.

Whether going through your own divorce and needing a place to stay, a corporate executive in need of a home away from home, a recent transplant from another city or you just need some space to reflect and heal, The Lily Pads are your safe haven.

Learn more at www.thelilypads.ca or reach out to me directly.

Generational Shame in Divorce

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 18:39:00 GMT

Guilt and divorce often go hand in hand. Guilt accompanied by shame, even more so. And when it comes to family, there is the guilt that you failed your children and shame that you let your parents down.

For those of us with parents that come from a generation where divorce was taboo, the guilt and shame we feel can be amplified. The feared judgement from our parents that we didn’t try hard enough, that we let them down, can bring us back to our childhood where we often sought our parents’ approval and pride.

This is especially true for divorced women, who often blame themselves for a failed marriage. According to Anita C. Savage , a US-based divorce and family law attorney, “We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like.”

I remember when my first marriage failed how difficult it was to talk to my parents about it. After all, I had been married for 17 years and had what appeared to be a picture-perfect marriage. Why would I give all that up? What had I done wrong to cause this?

Of course, we all know that there is more to a relationship than what other people see and after many years people can change and grow apart. But rational explanations are easily forgotten, especially when it comes to family and parents with “old-fashioned” values.

But while my parents eventually accepted my situation, to this day I tend to avoid or change the subject if it comes up.

And then there is the effect on children. Research has shown that divorce “ often perpetuates itself across generations ”. However, as the stigma of divorce has lessened over the years, so has the likelihood that children of divorce will go on to divorce as well.

However, it does happen and what’s interesting is that “family shame” can still be there. Even children of divorced parents can feel shame in getting a divorce themselves and find it difficult to talk to their parents about it. Perhaps it’s a feeling they should have known better, that they weren’t going to make the same mistakes…whatever it is, the shame around divorce is real.

While some people may treat you differently when you get divorced, often our fear of what others might think is “self-stigmatization”. Some tips to overcome this include:

Acknowledge your courage – divorce takes courage and inner strength.
Tune out self-shaming – surround yourself with supportive people and avoid the nay-sayers.
Talk to someone – whether a therapist, close friend or family member, talking about what you are going through is healing.

“Research supports that self-compassion and kindness toward oneself through the divorce process is crucial…make every effort to practice good self-care throughout the process and surround yourself with individuals who offer positive, consistent social support. These efforts will make a difficult experience a little less difficult.” ( Psychology Today )

Wills and POAs in Divorce

Thu, 17 Jun 2021 15:23:00 GMT

When you get married, one of the first things you do – or should do – is draw up or update your Will to ensure that your spouse is taken care of should anything happen to you. Wills are then typically updated on the birth of children or when other major events occur that impact your assets. Otherwise they tend to be a “set and forget” document. I mean, who wants to think about their eventual demise?

One major life event that does need to be considered, is divorce. Especially, since the legislation in Ontario has recently changed . Currently, a Will is automatically revoked when a person marries. However, as of January 1, 2022 with the passing of Bill 245 , this is no longer the case and a pre-existing Will stays valid upon marriage (or re-marriage).

Therefore, if you are divorced and remarry, any prior Will shall be considered valid. So, if you don’t want everything to go to your ex, make sure you update your Will.

On a side note, this Bill also includes a provision that eliminates property rights on death when spouses have been separated for three years or more (but not divorced), regardless of whether or not the deceased had a Will in place. This means that you no longer automatically inherit property on your spouse’s death even though you’re not officially divorced.

Powers of Attorney (POAs) are also important and often overlooked or put off until we get older. POAs are used to assign a person to be responsible for your personal care and property (including finances) should you become incapacitated or unable to manage these for yourself.

We typically think of POAs for when we are older and incapacity or dementia become more of a risk. But incapacity could happen at any time due to an accident or serious illness, so preparing these documents early is a good idea.

When it comes to POAs, we typically entrust a loved one, such as our spouse, to be our decision-maker should we need one. So, what happens if we divorce?

A Power of Attorney stays in place until death. Therefore, if your ex-spouse is your POA, you will want to update these documents upon divorce unless you want them to remain responsible for your care and finances should you become incapacitated.

Whatever your situation, keep these documents in mind if you are going through a separation or divorce to avoid any unintended consequences.

Buddy

Thu, 20 May 2021 16:00:00 GMT

It has taken me six years to write this. The first four I could not even speak about it without breaking down.

I once knew unconditional love. The kind that knows pure acceptance, no judgement. Mistakes are quickly forgotten, never to be mentioned again. The kind that you take for granted until it disappears.

Buddy was an orphan. His mother and siblings had died unexpectedly, and he was alone. The first time we met, I knew he was the one. He was friendly and kind and loved my children instantly. He would play with them for hours and never tire. They grew up experiencing his trust and acceptance. He was their best friend, their baby brother, the one they had adopted. I think they are better people today for having known him.

He would chase balloons and win at tug-o-war, jump on the trampoline with glee, play soccer like a professional, chase birds and catch balls. Long hikes and frolicking in the sprinkler were his favourites. It did not matter what we were doing, he was up for it.

He would love my children all day by playing with them, coming home hungry and exhausted. But he always had enough love for me.

He was with me through my first divorce, the beginning of my new life. I did not care who got what in the separation, all I knew was that Buddy was coming with me.

When we sold our home and moved on, he became withdrawn and unsettled. He had only known one home, and more than once he would run away only to be found on the front porch of our old house. The place where happy memories were made, where the children played, where he knew every neighbour, where his family had been.

I loved him, and he loved me back. I needed someone at that time who could be there for me. He would wait at the bottom of the stairs while I would lay in bed depressed on weekends when my children were with their father. He would let me sob uncontrollably into his mane as I expressed great sadness. His hugs were long and never rushed. His kisses were sloppy but welcomed. He was such an empathetic listener – never once did he give me bad advice. He was the perfect companion.

He was also there for my children. Each of them having told me how they would cry into his shoulders and express their pain and heartbreak time and time again. He had broad shoulders and would kiss them tenderly to let them know they would be okay. I am so grateful…oh, so grateful, that they had a friend in him.

My second marriage was unpredictable. Abusive and unsettling. My biggest regret was that he had to witness this. He knew my soft voice and how pleased he made me. He had always had my attention and affection, but this was troubling. He was my defender, my biggest supporter, and he was powerless. His concern and need to protect did not seem to matter. He was helpless. The marriage ended, and I watched him grow old before my eyes. His youth was fading as was his energy.

It was the following spring, a season of change and new beginnings. I spent a Saturday morning cleaning $100 worth of dog food off the lawn, recognizing that this could be one of the last times that I would be doing this task. I didn’t complain.

He was ill and getting old, dying before my eyes. I had to make the soul crushing decision to end his pain. He had been there for me through thick and thicker – it was my turn to be there for him.

The day before the end, the children and I rallied around him for “The Last Supper”. Pizza and peanut butter sandwiches. His favourites. He met my newly born grandson for the first time, unsure what to make of him. He sniffed and cried and sniffed some more. It was almost as if he knew that it was time to move on, to make room for the next generation. Oh, how I wish my grandbabies knew his love.

In his last moments I hugged him hard, cried even harder. I was inconsolable. He had watched my babies grow up, he had been beside me through two divorces, he had felt my sadness and joy... He had been through it all. He was the last tie to this old life of mine. The life that had been happy then sad. Tears fall down my cheeks as I write this – I was so sure that I was ready for this.

One of my favourite quotes by Jamie Anderson, “Grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. Grief is just love that has nowhere to go”.

The impact both of, and on pets when going through a divorce cannot be understated. They feel the tension and experience the emotions in deep and significant ways. They are also tremendous emotional support for those going through it. They love unconditionally and when going through a tough divorce, that love is everything.

I do not know if I will ever know anyone who believed in me more. My life will never be the same without Buddy. He will never be replaced.

Self-Care Through Trauma or Change

Wed, 28 Apr 2021 13:00:00 GMT

Trauma or change affects us all differently. Whether it is a result of the pandemic, divorce, violence, accident or other life events…no matter what the situation, the importance of taking care of yourself can’t be overstated.

Self-care is the conscious act of focusing on and taking care of your own well-being – physically, mentally and emotionally.

Self-care is vital for building resilience against the stressors that life throws at you. When you take care of yourself, you are better equipped to handle the inevitable challenges that come your way. Think of it like your car. It needs regular maintenance to ensure it runs smoothly and doesn’t break down.

Taking care of yourself is not a luxury; it is not self-indulgent. It is vital to your health. When you have experienced trauma or a significant change in your life, it may seem like the farthest thing from your mind. But this is when self-care becomes your highest priority.

I know first-hand. Experiencing a divorce after 17 years of marriage, being sexually assaulted while on the job, becoming the victim of violence – I’ve had my challenges to say the least. My therapist made me eventually realize that if I did not take some time for myself, to regroup and to heal, I would struggle to be a good mother to my kids, to perform at my job, or even be open to finding my soulmate (whom I married last year).

There are so many ways you can take time for yourself…even during a pandemic. With Spring now well on its way, simple things like going for a walk, planting a garden, or going for a country drive are both physically and emotionally satisfying.

Water can be incredibly healing. If you can, go canoeing or kayaking, or simply sit by the water and take in its energy.

Books can be a great way to escape and also to heal. Two books that changed my life – Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

But self-care is not just about taking some time for yourself when you can. It is a mindset and should be part of your daily routine. Your physical body needs care too and that includes eating healthy, exercising and getting enough sleep.

According to EverydayHealth.com , there are 3 categories to self-care:

Emotional self-care – such as taking a bubble bath, saying “no” to unnecessary things, a weekly coffee date (or phone call) with a friend.

Physical self-care – as mentioned above, making healthier food choices, getting to bed on time and exercise.

Spiritual self-care – like meditating, starting a gratitude journal, going for a walk in nature or attending a religious service.

Self-care is not being selfish – at least not in the negative sense of the word. Self-care is about ensuring that you are ready for what life throws at you, that you can be there for your kids and your partner when they need you.

Not sure where to start? Here are 45 simple self-care practices you can try.

Domestic Contracts (aka Prenups) and the Business Side of Marriage

Wed, 14 Apr 2021 18:21:00 GMT

Prenups…we hear about them a lot in high profile marriages and in movies and television when the wealthy heir or heiress is about to get married. The term prenup (short for prenuptial) is actually an American term. In Ontario, they are referred to as domestic contracts or marriage contracts.

While the term prenup is still used in Canada, it specifically refers to contracts signed before marriage. A domestic or marriage contract on the other hand, can be signed at any time during a marriage. In the case of common law relationships, they are referred to as cohabitation agreements.

Let’s talk a bit about prenups and why I believe they are an important consideration prior to marriage, especially if it is your second or third.

Let’s face it, when you are getting married the last thing you want to think about is what happens if it does not work out. That is the main reason most marriages don’t have a prenup in place (about 92% in fact). But the hard fact is, divorces happen about 50% of the time. In the case of first marriages, when the couple is young and just starting out, there may not be a lot that needs protecting in the event things do not work out.

However, if you are getting married for the second or third time and you are coming into the marriage with assets that you have worked hard for, a prenuptial agreement makes a lot of sense. I learned this the hard way.

After my first divorce I had to survive on my own for the first time in over 17 years. I dove into my new career as a real estate agent, bought my first home (solo), my first investment property and started working hard to forge a new life for myself.

When I decided to marry again, I had built up some significant assets, including property. I did not even consider what might happen if we split up but I soon found out. Turns out that this marriage was not one of my better decisions and upon our divorce, my ex was entitled to half of my assets – including properties I had worked so hard for. It was not fair but it is the law .

There is a business side to marriage and it is important to consider financials before entering into one. Just like discussions on children, where to live and your dreams for the future, a discussion about your finances should be done before you say “I do”. If this is something your future partner is avoiding, that could be a major red flag.

A prenup gives you some insurance in case things do not work out and can help to avoid disappointment and arguments when you have already agreed on how pre-marriage property will be dealt with.

And like any legal document, it is always important to get it reviewed by a lawyer to ensure it is fair and clearly understood by both parties.

Not sure where to start? You can download a free template here to see what’s involved.

Opinion of Value – What is it?

Thu, 01 Apr 2021 21:42:00 GMT

What is your home worth? Do a search online and you will be flooded with real estate sites that offer “free home evaluations”, “Opinions of Value” and a free “Comparative Market Analysis (CMA)” to help you determine what your home is worth in today’s market.

What is the difference between these terms?

All forms of market evaluations are a good starting point to pricing your home for sale. Unlike a formal appraisal as required by banks, CMAs simply provide comparable data regarding sales of properties in the area or similar communities. This gives you a range for the potential value of your home (perceived by a buyer) and is used to kick start the pricing and marketing strategy discussion with a Realtor®.

In addition to a CMA, an Agent may also provide you with an Opinion of Value. This is a written letter that provides a summary of the agent’s research along with their opinion of the market value of your home.

In a situation where accurate value matters, such as in a divorce scenario, getting both parties to agree on a sale price for the marital home can sometimes be a challenge. An Opinion of Value can help as it provides a starting dollar value for discussion. A couple can still negotiate on an agreed selling price, and starting from a single number rather than a range can make this process easier.

In the case where divorce, estate sales, or a very unique one-of-a-kind property requires a more accurate number, a qualified residential appraiser (CRA™) can be hired to do a more in-depth assessment of the home’s value. One of the services I provide to my sellers is the cost of this appraisal if we really cannot determine the value of the home due to the lack of comparable sales.

My specialized training allows me to be a court-appointed Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE™) and when asked to provide an Opinion of Value letter by a lawyer, or if a judge should be involved, I will stand by my opinion and testify in court. This is an uncommon practice with most Realtors®.

So, when a specific number is required, rather than just a range, ask a Realtor® for an Opinion of Value. In situations of divorce, consider using a neutral third party certified in divorce real estate.

Have questions or looking to get an opinion on your home’s value? Get in touch with me today.

4 Tips to Preparing to Buy Your First Home After Divorce

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 15:33:00 GMT

You are ready to make a fresh start and move forward with your life. And while putting the past behind you is essential for moving forward, you do not want to let that same past impact your ability to move forward in the way you want. If buying a home is part of your plan, you need to prepare early.

Know the score

If you have never owned property before your marriage, have never had a credit card in your name…in other words, you lack credit, then you will need to establish some. You will need a credit score to get a mortgage. Here are a few tips on building credit .

Be realistic

If you are going from two incomes to one, you need to have a good handle on what you can afford. Work the numbers by looking at your income sources. Consider all your current and anticipated expenses – especially when it comes to a home. Remember, you will now have to cover all utilities, taxes, maintenance and repairs, along with food, clothing and other essentials. Be realistic and do not stretch yourself too thin.

Know your obligations

If you have read any of my previous blog posts, you know the importance of having a Separation Agreement in place before you sell your marital home. This outlines your financial obligations to each other and you cannot get a new mortgage without one.

It’s just business

Finally, I know how hard it is to let go of your family home, especially when there are children involved. Let go of the guilt and treat the sale like a business transaction. The bottom line is that it is just bricks and mortar. If you let your guilt take over, you risk compromising the sale and getting less than you deserve.

By treating it like a business transaction, you are automatically focused on maximizing your return – enabling you to move forward on the best financial footing possible.

I learned all of this the hard way through my own journey. If you have questions about your situation, I am truly here to help. I am passionate about helping you navigate the world of real estate during divorce. Get in touch with me today.

The Start of a New Decade – The Impact of 2020 on Family and Home

Tue, 19 Jan 2021 18:56:00 GMT

The year 2020 – once a futuristic time in movies – has initiated us into a new decade in a way none of us could have anticipated. As the global pandemic spread, we were forced to figure out and learn new or safer ways of doing business, shopping, going to school, entertaining, celebrating and simply conducting our daily lives.

Our lives and how we live them have changed, especially when it comes to our homes. While home has always been an important anchor in our lives, it is now a place many of us are spending the majority of our time – happily or not. With lockdowns and stay-at-home orders part of our foreseeable future, the way we live in and view the home has changed.

And for divorcing families or couples who are struggling, the impact of this pandemic has yet to be fully played out. “Covid divorce” is now working its way into our lexicon but it’s too soon to tell if we will see a spike in divorce rates as a result.

Let’s take a look at some of the trends that have emerged from this past year and what story they tell for the years to come.

Working from home is the new normal

According to Statistics Canada , about 40% of the working population are in jobs that can be done from home. And shortly after the pandemic hit, this figure became a reality, suggesting that businesses were already in a good position to enable their employees to telework.

StatCan further states that, while telework has been a temporary response for many, “for others this transition might serve as the catalyst for a new way of doing business for years to come.”

No longer considered a perk, working from home is now commonplace. Whether or not it becomes the new normal, it is clear that flexible work arrangements are here to stay. A recent survey shows a clear change in attitude to the ‘traditional’ workplace, especially among the younger generation who show a strong preference for remote work.

The implications of this trend on the home is already emerging as we’ll see later in this article.

Homeschooling and distance learning on the rise

In 2020, parents gained a new-found respect for teachers! As schools moved into a virtual learning environment last year, working parents – especially working moms – were forced to juggle working from home with managing their children’s education.

Even as schools reopened, many elected to continue with virtual learning. For some, fewer distractions and social pressures, as well as more flexible schedules, have resulted in improved academic performance. This is causing some families to consider other options such as homeschooling as a more permanent solution. Educators are also seeing the benefits distance learning can provide the benefits distance learning can provide and we may see more options for learning as we continue to adapt to lockdowns and stay-at-home orders.

Suburban sprawl and rural living

Spending more time in our homes – whether working, teaching, learning or otherwise – has also given us a new-found appreciation for space. This is most evident in large, crowded cities like Toronto where many live in small one or two room apartments or condos.

The real estate market – and especially the condo market – has seen an exodus from city life to suburban or country life since the pandemic began. Being able to work from home means you can work anywhere, so many are opting for greener pastures outside the city where there is more room to breathe and move around.

We’re already seeing real estate growth in smaller markets and this trend is likely to continue, particularly as businesses adapt to more flexible work arrangements.

The end of open concept

For a number of years now, open concept has been the biggest change to home design. Turn on any home renovation show on HGTV and you’ll see walls being taken down to “open up” spaces in homes.

But now that we are spending way more time at home than normal – not just hanging out, but working, studying,“Zooming” and exercising, the need for separate spaces that give us some privacy or room to concentrate has become a necessity.

I’m already having clients asking for bigger backyards for entertaining and rooms with doors for work and study spaces. Expect a return to more traditional home layouts .

The family impact

For many families, spending more time together has reignited the family unit. With parents interacting with their children on a more regular basis, from homeschooling to finding new and creative ways to keep them entertained, couples and families are finding a renewed appreciation for each other.

But spending more time at home can also have the opposite effect. For couples already struggling, being forced to spend more time together exacerbates issues and, add in the stress of the pandemic itself, it’s no wonder we are seeing an increase in marriage breakdowns .

Conclusion

Home offices, homeschooling, home exercise gyms, bigger yards – the changes to home life as a result of the pandemic will be significant. The family home is once again becoming the centre of family life. How that will impact future home design – and even the design of cities – is still to be seen, but changes are in the air and change can be good. Stay tuned.

Why Home Staging is Important in a Divorce Sale

Tue, 12 Jan 2021 21:24:00 GMT

One of the most productive ways to move forward with your life is to handle the sale of the family home in a businesslike manner. The house is usually the number one form of capital in a marriage and treating it as such is critical.

Experienced agents can smell a divorce when showing a property to their buyers, and they may capitalize on your tragedy by offering less money for your house. A real estate professional who focuses specifically on helping people going through divorce can help protect you by eliminating those tell-tale signs.

Staging Your Home for Sale During Divorce

It’s important to present the home in its best light. In some cases, such as my own, couples continue to live in the same home while going through the separation. In others, one of the parties moves out and takes some of the furniture with them making it look suspicious, or even worse… the home is vacant and potential buyers sniff out desperation.

Good staging takes away all suspicion. Here are some of my best staging tips!

Remove the Emotional Triggers

Without a doubt, staging the house will help you both disentangle emotionally from the property.

Once family photos, keepsakes and valuables are removed, it becomes easier to see the house as an investment instead of “our home”. This tip is important because it helps maintain the focus on the business side of the transaction.

Repairs and Touch-Ups

The showing condition of the house is very important. Often, in a divorced house, there is deferred maintenance where nobody has the energy or the money to fix things.

Almost every single home requires some repairs and sprucing up before it is ready for showings and paying for it can cause anxiety.

A company that I work with called Prep’n Sell handles everything you could imagine to prepare a house for sale. They cover the cost of renovations upfront and get paid on closing through your lawyer from the proceeds of the sale. Coming up with the cash to deal with preparing the house is no longer an issue and removes a huge stress factor from the divorcing couple.

Depersonalizing – Sort Of

Stagers will encourage you to depersonalize the home, particularly removing personal photos. Although I agree with this in theory, I feel that one family photo in the principal bedroom – particularly a wedding photo – keeps suspicions at bay when it comes to sniffing out motives for sale. It suggests a happy home.

Decluttering Closets

This is crucial to demonstrate ample storage and space, but WHAT is in the closet is truly what matters here. Both spouses need to store their clothes neatly in the principal closet, including shoes and accessories, and shared personal items in the bathroom.

One spouse may be living in another part of the house, however you must share the main closet and bathroom demonstrating yourselves as cohabitating.

The Appliances

Appliances are often included in the sale price, so buyers will look inside. They must be clean as possible or it could demonstrate a lack of care or a stressful home.

Buyers look to see if the microwave and oven are clean. If the fridge contains very little food or just takeout boxes, buyers immediately inquire about the person living there. It’s an odd thing to think about but it happens all the time.

Curb Appeal

Long grass, weeds in the flower beds, dishevelled looking lawns, piles of garbage in the garage – all are indications of a neglected, unhappy home. Hiring a gardener to add flower urns, trim the grass, and pull the weeds is a fantastic way to remove the stress of added work, and it makes it easy for a buyer to imagine living there.

Removing the “Stuff”

Years and years of living in a home can creep up on anyone. In the situation of divorce, it can be exhausting to think about sorting through the bones of your life represented by the “stuff”, but it’s crucial to attempt this task prior to selling your home.

‘Mine to keep’, ‘yours to keep’, donate, trash. A junk removal company and donation drop offs can take the stress off your shoulders. Trust me, once you start this step, it gets easier and easier to part with the ‘stuff’!

Sparkling Clean

From shining floors and gleaming windows to clean counters and scrubbed grout, every surface should sparkle. Change the filter in the furnace, add salt to the water softener, make sure that there is no clutter in the utility room. This is the easiest way to help your home be in the spotlight. This step is key!

A Furnished Lifestyle Sells

Buyers will flock to a home that is staged and looking pretty. Pictures say a thousand words and if two of the bedrooms are empty and the dining room furniture is missing, buyers will immediately guess what’s going on. A staged home is really selling a lifestyle and you want them to imagine themselves living in your home, even if it isn’t your furniture.

And a final note…

Review Offers Together

In a time where offers are emailed and we see very little face-to-face negotiations, I feel it is still important to show a united front when it comes to reviewing offers. Many agents still like to present their buyer’s offer in person, and if they see you both sitting across the table from them it sets the stage for negotiations and a willingness to work together. After all, it’s a business transaction. Set your differences aside for this one transaction so that you get the most amount of money to move on in your separate lives.

While selling your home and getting divorced can be challenging and emotional, you can get through it. Surround yourself with the best team possible and focus on the business side of things. In ten years, you probably won’t remember the things that made you lose your cool, but you will definitely remember the money you made on the sale of the house, and what you did with it to move on.

As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert, I can help you close this chapter of your life so that you can focus on the next one. Reach out to me anytime.

Who Gets the House? Why Selling Might Be Your Best Option

Fri, 18 Dec 2020 16:40:00 GMT

In my previous post on the question of “Who Gets the House” in a divorce, one of the options was to sell the house and split the proceeds versus keeping it and buying out the other party. So why might this be the better option?

From a practical perspective, it may simply come down to finances. If you both worked, you had two incomes to manage the mortgage. One income might not be enough to refinance a buyout and manage all the other expenses of maintaining the house – property taxes, utilities, insurance, maintenance and repairs. There are other considerations as well that may impact your decision, which I covered in my last post .

Often, one party’s desire to keep the home is an emotional one – stability for the children, staying in the same neighbourhood, holding onto something you’ve invested a lot of time in. And while these are all valid reasons, let’s take a look at the other side of the coin.

A Fresh Start

Divorce is an emotional time, and the matrimonial home holds a lot of memories, both good and bad. Moving to a new place can be the fresh start you need to get on with your life and start new memories. A new place also gives you the ability to properly grieve – the loss of your old life, death of dreams, time of transition. If you have children still at home, they are your priority, but they are more resilient than you think. You can use the excitement of a new place and new bedrooms to help them through the transition.

Avoid Overwhelm

While the marital home is familiar, it can also become a burden. A house that was once managed by two people can be a lot to take care of on your own. You’re now responsible for cutting the grass, shoveling the driveway, managing repairs to a leaky roof, and much more. If the house is older, repairs and maintenance could become overwhelming for one person to manage – not only physically but emotionally and financially as well.

By selling the marital home, you split the proceeds of the sale and have the opportunity to use that equity to invest in a home that you can manage on your own.

Considerations When Deciding to Sell

Once you’ve decided that selling is the best option for both of you, there are a few things to consider:

Have a Separation Agreement in place. I know I’ve mentioned this one before, but I cannot stress it enough. If you sell your home without one, the proceeds of sale can be held in trust by your real estate lawyer until an agreement is in place instructing them on how to disperse the funds. Not to mention, a bank will not approve a new mortgage for you without one.
Market conditions may play a part in the timing of your sale. It’s important to get a professional market evaluation before you put the house on the market. If waiting makes more sense, you could rent out the house until market conditions become more favourable.
Preparing the home for sale. Maximizing the value of your home is more important than ever, so fix-ups and minor renovations may be required to get the house ready for sale. Home staging is also critical as it presents the house in its best light and distracts buyers from looking for motivation, signs of distress, evidence of an unhappy home. I’ll be discussing this in an upcoming article.

Hire an Expert

The process of selling your home in a divorce comes with added complications and stresses not found in a regular real estate transaction. This is likely the largest asset that needs to be divided and tensions can run high.

I understand that this is more than just a necessary transaction and I am trained in the legal and financial aspects of family law and real estate. As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE), I follow a Code of Ethics higher than industry standards and act as a neutral third party to ensure a fair process for everyone.

Divorce real estate is not just my specialty, it is my passion. Having gone through it twice myself, I want to ensure divorcing couples get the best possible outcome as they untangle the legal, financial and emotional ties to their house.

Have questions? Reach out ...I’m here to answer them.

What You Need to Know About Keeping the House After Divorce

Tue, 24 Nov 2020 17:27:00 GMT

In my previous post , I talked about the right questions to ask when it comes to dealing with the marital home. In that post, one of the options was for one party to keep the house by buying out the other party .

Let’s consider why this might be a preferred option. Firstly, you may not be able to find a house in the same neighbourhood which would keep your children in the same school and close to their friends. Secondly, maintaining a familiar environment can often help reduce some of the emotional impact a divorce has on children. Keeping the house might simply be a great financial investment.

So, beyond any practical or sentimental aspects, does it make financial sense? If you want to keep the house by buying out your former spouse, there are a few factors you need to consider.

Can you afford it?

Keeping a house when you cannot afford it is one of the most common financial mistakes people make when going through a divorce. It’s not just the mortgage payments that you need to consider. You’ll also need to budget for the property taxes, utilities, as well as maintenance and repairs. If you have an older home, you could find yourself on the hook for thousands of dollars in unexpected repairs.

If you can afford the mortgage and upkeep, consider consulting with a professional home inspector to get a better understanding of potential future costs.

Separation agreement

One of the most common oversights I see is when divorcing couples expect to purchase their next home but don’t have their separation agreement finalized. Lenders rely heavily on the separation agreement to dictate the mortgage amount they will approve. The separation agreement outlines the financials – everything from the division of the matrimonial home, to child support payments and alimony. It gives the banks and lenders a good idea of what your financial situation will look like post divorce.

It’s also worth noting that you will avoid paying the land transfer tax if you have your formal separation agreement in place before buying out your spouse’s share of the home.

How is your credit?

To buy out your ex-spouse, you will need to refinance the mortgage on the home (or take out a mortgage if the home has been paid off). To get a mortgage you need credit.

When I got divorced after 20 years of marriage, I learned this the hard way. I was a stay-at-home mom without any income of my own. I didn’t have my own credit card, had never taken out a loan, leased a car, nothing. I had no credit.

So when I needed a mortgage to buy a home, I ended up having to go with a “C” lender (or alternative lender) – a more expensive, last resort option and not one I would recommend if at all possible.

Refinancing

To refinance the mortgage, you will first need to determine what the current value of the home is. This means you will need to get a market valuation. In Ontario, your spouse is entitled to one half of the value of the matrimonial home. This will determine your buyout amount and, combined with your overall financial picture, will determine whether you qualify for the new mortgage.

Assuming you qualify, your spouse will then be removed from the title of the home and released from the existing mortgage contract. Also, be aware of any prepayment penalties on your current mortgage as these could result in thousands of dollars in unforeseen costs. After all, you will be breaking the current mortgage in order to obtain a brand new one.

As always, it is advisable that you discuss this option and others with your lawyer before making a decision on whether to keep the house or sell and divide the proceeds.

Would it make more sense to sell the house and move on? In my next post, I’ll cover the option of selling.

As always, reach out to me if you have any questions about your property options in a separation or divorce.

Why “Who Gets the House?” Is Not the Right Question

Wed, 14 Oct 2020 21:06:00 GMT

Who gets the house in a divorce is a common question or point of contention with divorcing couples, particularly if they’ve lived in their home for a long time – the neighbourhood is familiar, friends are close by and their children go to school there. It’s a house full of memories – some good, some bad.

In a divorce, a house is more than just another asset that needs to be dealt with; it represents the physical and emotional foundation of a family’s life. Deciding what to do with it is probably one of the hardest decisions you’ll need to make.

There are many reasons for wanting to keep the house in a divorce. If you aren’t the main breadwinner, you may not be able to afford another house on your own. Perhaps you don’t want to uproot your kids and move them away from their friends and school. Whatever the reason, they’re all valid.

But the question you need to ask is not, “Who gets the house?” That just ends up locking you into a win/lose situation because it’s either you or your spouse. The better question to ask is: “What do we do with the house?”

This not only opens up more options but it provides you with a framework for making a more informed decision. By reframing the question, your options become:

One party keeps the house by buying out the other party.
You sell the house and split the proceeds.

And knowing your options will help you consider your situation more objectively to determine which is the most feasible. There are pros and cons to each option, but everyone’s situation is different and you will need to consider what is right for yours.

The following factors will help you determine the best option for you:

What is your house worth? And more importantly, what is the marital value of the home?
Can you afford the current mortgage payments, taxes and upkeep?
Can you refinance the mortgage if you bought out your spouse?
What is the current real estate market in your area?

While these all seem like straightforward questions, they’re not. You’re going through a divorce and that brings a host of emotions – from anger to grief, sadness to depression. Decisions on what to do with the house can be overwhelming. And decisions made clouded in emotion can have negative and long-term consequences.

Talk to your lawyer. Talk to a Realtor. Talk to a counsellor, friends, and family. Get a support network in place to help you work through your options.

In future articles, I’ll go through these options and factors in more detail. In the meantime, if you have questions about your situation, please reach out to me .

Divorce and Real Estate: Why Any Realtor Won’t Do

Mon, 21 Sep 2020 21:01:00 GMT

Getting a divorce is hard…emotionally, financially and even physically. Even if it’s amicable, it can have its stressful moments. I know. I’ve been through it twice.

One of the biggest stresses revolves around the (typically) largest asset – the matrimonial home. In most cases, it needs to be sold.

And this is where it can get very messy. Agreeing on a sale price; who will remain in the home while it’s on the market; agreeing on any needed improvements before putting it on the market; ensuring the mortgage and taxes are paid. The list goes on.

Then add in, agreeing on a Realtor® to sell the home. How can you trust someone to remain neutral? The right Realtor® – someone that is experienced in or specializes in divorce situations – will understand the importance of remaining neutral and treating both parties fairly and professionally.

Not only that, there are a number of added complications and complexities in divorce sales that are not a factor in a regular house sale, including financial and legal implications that must be addressed.

For example, if there is no separation agreement in place and the house is sold, the proceeds of sale will sit in trust until one is in place. This can have serious implications to one or both spouses if they were counting on those funds to purchase a new home or pay for rent. I’ve run into this situation many times and it is one of the first questions I ask as it is often missed by other, non-specialized agents.

Having a Realtor® experienced with divorce situations is also important when it comes to dealing with your lawyers, and sometimes even the courts. Time is money and an inexperienced real estate agent may end up involving your lawyers more than necessary as unfamiliar situations arise, causing extra billable hours for you.

A Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE™) is a specialist trained and experienced in the intricacies of a divorce sale and in dealing with difficult and emotional situations that require a neutral, professional and patient approach. They will also make sure you know all your options so that you can make informed decisions at every stage of the process.

Marketing your home is another area that requires expertise. You don’t want potential buyers knowing this is a divorce sale and risk getting lower offers. How the home is staged and presented to the market is critical and requires a specialist touch to make it look like you are still together.

A CDRE™ is trained and prepared for any situation. An uncooperative spouse who won’t agree on anything to one who tries to sabotage the sale – situations that can throw a regular real estate agent off – we are trained to look for and handle…to expect the unexpected.

I know many real estate agents that stay away from divorce sales due to the difficulties that can arise in emotionally-charged situations. You want someone that has patience, compassion and a tough skin; that can remain fair and neutral no matter what and get the house sold for the benefit of both parties.

As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE™) – the first in Canada to earn this designation – I am here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today !

When the Student is Ready, a Teacher Emerges

Tue, 09 Jun 2020 20:59:00 GMT

Today I got a call from a young man who wanted to express his gratitude and appreciation for my influence in his life five years ago. Without even knowing it, he had also left a mark on my life as well.

He was a young, 21-year-old with a very colourful upbringing. He was worldly in some ways, naïve in many others. He wanted to work for me and asked to be mentored so that he could be the best he could be in his newly-found career. He was malleable and keen to learn whatever this business would teach him, and I was interested in showing him the ropes and teaching him everything I could. Within weeks, it soon became apparent that something else was going on in his life.

His dearest, sweetest friend was dying from an autoimmune disease, and one day soon after starting his new career, she died. Sarah left this world much too early. Her presence and ultimately her absence profoundly affected him. My new protégé was grieving a massive loss. He was lost, trying to find his way in the world. At work, he was intense – every task given he would embrace with gusto, but within a short time he would waiver, lose momentum, squandering yet one more opportunity. Simple things like showing up for work or being engaged in his job became difficult.

During this time, I was going through my second divorce. I was grieving my own losses in life, stressed out about where my own life was going. I was facing lawyer fees and expensive court costs, sleepless nights and emotional worries, the painful process of shedding the old to embrace the new. Perhaps that’s why this young man and I connected so well. It felt like we were walking parallel lines.

Being present in his life was a good distraction from mine, and it was doing something constructive while my life was being deconstructed. I focused on the task at hand. After all, I had to make a success of this young man so that something in my life mattered. Keeping him motivated was challenging. I couldn’t give up on him and I would try different approaches to various obstacles hoping to reach him. I would have his undivided attention for a moment, then his disinterest took over. As I taught him the fundamentals of his career, my purpose took a turn as he asked more and more questions about the lessons of life. There was so much to tell him.

The day eventually came when I knew it was time to release him – I had given him my best and he would now go on, using the nuggets of information I had given him to build on who he was meant to be, moving to the next chapter of his young journey. We had come to an intersection, and this was our opportunity to get off the same road and head in our own opposite directions. We had indeed been encountering a parallel life.

As we parted ways, I remember telling him that I couldn’t wait to meet him as a 25-year-old. The man he would become with all his bright ideas, tenacity to achieve greatness and desire to make a difference in the world. He has a servant’s heart – giving is his reward. And so, today he informed me – just several weeks left in his 25th year – that was accepted at the University of Waterloo and would eventually study in the field of autoimmune disease. He wanted me to know how proud I could be of him as he sojourns on his path to greatness.

Today he was grateful, and thanked me for never giving up on him, for teaching him things that he had never been exposed to growing up, for being hard on him, for being present in his life. How wonderful it is, to hear thank you from the most unsuspecting source… to know that while my own life was changing, I was changing another’s. The career that was meant to be the making of him was the very tool that would push him in other directions.

This young man has stepped into his future, and is wise beyond his years simply for the willingness to accept the pain of growth, eager to hear the lessons at the feet of his friend and mentor, and hungry to allow wisdom to mold him into more.

We never know the lives being influenced by the words and actions of our life. I’m grateful that I was able to pour into him, the little that I had to give. He was able to find fragments of gold in the lessons I was offering him. That’s the thing about learning lessons – they come from sources we least expect. He taught me that even during my own hardships that I could still contribute. He showed me that my own greatness is really about the little things that I have inside of me that I can share with others in their journey.

I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason, and for a season. He’s right – I couldn’t be more proud of the man he has become.

“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
– Fritz Williams

Flying On Your Own Again

Wed, 27 May 2020 20:57:00 GMT

I’ve been taking in the warm spring mornings, sitting on my patio and watching new life emerge around me. A tiny little cottage in my backyard holds a new family of birds. I watch the parents flit back and forth tirelessly feeding the little mouths that peep loudly, hoping that the next juicy bug will be theirs. The little cottage is getting full and soon it will be time. Time for them to start new lives and fly on their own.

My friend called me the other day. Her husband had died suddenly 18 months ago and she needed a sounding board as she tried to make a big decision. I was happy to listen, make suggestions, but mostly to encourage and validate her.

Like a baby bird, my friend bravely perches on the fringes of her life every single day. Hesitant to jump off the brim and plunge into her future – a future without him – peering into the unknown with reluctance, never quite sure which direction to take in another fork in the road.

She has lost her soulmate, her BFF, the father of her baby, the one she was holding on to through this crazy life. She’s grieving, remembering, and moving forward all at the same time.

Divorce can feel like a death. So many similarities in some ways, many differences in others. Both are grieving loss and unfinished dreams. Both are facing change – destruction of the familiar, the loss of “self” in the role of partner, confronting regrets. Everything for my friend has changed, all without warning.

A single income without the second as back-up. Cutting the lawn without the other to trim the weeds or fix the broken mower. Changing a light fixture, fixing a broken step, moving a piece of furniture – it’s all alone without someone to help. I recall needing to borrow everyone else’s husband to do the little things for me post-divorce. I felt like a burden, yet I couldn’t afford to hire anyone. There is a sense of helplessness.

Or, like in this case, having to make a bigger decision like selling the cottage – the other home that you built together – and needing a friend to talk you through it. This week, she’ll be packing up the happy memories without anyone to reminisce with. She’ll sort through the yard sale finds and the cutlery looking back as she prepares for her next chapter. She’ll say her goodbyes to the neighbours and perhaps stare out the window at the fire pit where endless moments, toasted marshmallows, and hours of laughter happened.

Today, she is boldly taking another step, as she sits on the brim of her own little cottage, and like the baby birds, she will take the leap and fly off into the great unknown. Life can be like that. It takes us to the crossroads where we must make the big decisions that bring about change, causing us to look in the deepest crevices of our soul to find inner strength. “Face the fear then do it anyways” – my inner voice says.

I’m proud of her as she takes steps every single day to embrace the new. Someday I am sure she will shed nervousness for curiosity, fear for excitement, and she will soon discover that she can face anything she sets her mind to as she soars into her new, beautiful life.

Nothing Seems to Matter

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 19:44:00 GMT

Isolation has never felt so real as it does right now. With all of the technologies made available to us, the human connection is the thing we currently crave. Hugging our loved ones, being with them where we can feel their energy, catch the sparkle in their eyes, smell their essence. Oh, if only we had noticed before how we had taken the simplest of things for granted.

This virus has been the great equalizer. It doesn’t care about age, gender, wealth. It doesn’t respect your political views, your religious beliefs, your sexual orientation, your skin colour. We have all become one and the same – equal members of the human race.

In such a few short weeks, it has exposed our addiction to comfort and the need to be constantly scrolling, stimulated, numbed.

This virus is calling everything into question. The never-fulfilling acquisition of stuff. The relentless pursuit of status and wealth. Brand names on disposable items. The tireless distraction of busy-ness – focusing on misplaced priorities, never having enough time yet filling it with more, saying yes to everything – all of this requiring us to escape from the present for a break.

This virus has forced us all indoors with nothing but time on our hands to reflect on what really matters to each of us. What would our world look like if we rose up from this experience as enlightened individuals realizing that nothing matters anymore?

Imagine if we decided to embrace a simpler life, something with meaning and substance. What if we found contentment with that?

What if...

Every evening we turned off all technology, ate dinner around the table, and connected with family
The children were allowed just one organized hobby or sport or special interest in a calendar year
We made our spouses a priority
We sat on the front porch instead of sitting in the backyard
We greeted a new neighbour to the neighbourhood with a casserole or friendly handshake
We made thrift store shopping into a thing
We were only open Monday to Friday in our manufacturing and factories
We only bought “made in Canada”
Gym memberships were replaced with home-based exercise routines and long walks in the fresh air
All the shops were closed on Sundays
We honoured our families, ourselves, and embraced our spiritual side. Attending our spiritual house, family time, Sunday dinners, community fellowship. A day of rest
We didn’t care about illusions of living the “Martha Stewart ideal” of the perfectly folded sheets, the perfectly iced chocolate layer cake, the perfectly decorated home, recipes for every occasion, DIY crafts and home décor
You became the person you were meant to be, discovering your natural gifts and talents
You quit your job and got paid to do what brings you joy. What would that job be?
We discovered that half of the workforce could work from home saving time, highway congestion, natural resources, money, and more
You took the time to hang the laundry on the line…

As difficult as it is now, this pandemic will subside and we will rise from the ashes of this destruction. We will learn some profound lessons from this experience and hopefully with a new perspective on the things that matter. It may prove as a time to reset priorities and direction for ourselves and our society.

A new normal is about to emerge! Let’s be brave enough to sit at the feet of our seniors and hear their wisdom, learning from their life lessons. Let’s be fearless in volunteering where we have passion, and giving our loved ones our intentional attention. Let’s be courageous enough to live a life with our hands outstretched – not to receive, but to give. Let us also take every opportunity to slow down and learn from what’s happening around us.

My prayer is that all of us find our purpose.

“How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.”

– Elizabeth Lesser, Author

The Side Gig

Tue, 10 Mar 2020 19:54:00 GMT

We’re fully into 2020 now. The holidays seem to be a faded memory of long ago, the snowy weather is here for good now, and the bills might be piling up.

When you were living in a two-income household, they seemed to be easier to manage (or juggle), less of a stress. But keeping up with standard living expenses is not easy on your own, especially if you had been doing it together for a long time. You seem to become instantly more cognizant of the lights that are left on, the water running, doing laundry before “cheap time”, and questioning lifestyle needs like “do I actually need cable television? Or can I get by with a simple Netflix subscription?” These are all common thoughts, in fact they’re incredibly normal.

While trying to keep your head above water – financially – perhaps your full-time job just isn’t cutting it. It doesn’t mean that you need to quit or leave for something that pays better. ESPECIALLY if it’s a job that you really enjoy.

There’s always the side hustle. Whether you call it a pet project, side hustle, side gig, or something else, there’s no shame in taking up a second job to help make ends meet. Actually you’d be surprised how much you’ll actually enjoy it. According to StatsCan, at the end of 2019, an astonishing 12.9% of the Canadian workforce reported part-time income from multiple sources.

The great thing about a second job is that you have the opportunity to find something that you really enjoy because making top dollar isn’t at the top of your list. For example, if you love to read, take a look at local bookstores. Or if you love cosmetics, make-up stores are often looking for cashiers on evenings and/or weekends. And not only will this potentially give you extra funds to help you out, but many retail stores offer a great discount to employees. If you often spend money on these items, you’ll further save with these discounts. Any extra money in your pocket at the end of the day helps, right?

A friend of mine had great success in her side hustle. She worked an admin job for a large corporation. She knew that she enjoyed writing, but didn’t have the opportunity to write as often as she liked. By frequently listening to podcasts, she caught wind that one of her idols, a music journalist, was hiring writers for his podcast. So, she applied. A month went by and she received an email that she had been accepted to submit pieces. Soon enough, the show needed a producer and they asked her to come on. The great thing was she was making fantastic supplementary income, supporting her passion, and still working her full-time admin role to keep up with her financial responsibilities. She worked her deadlines so they were easy to manage, and she was happy!

I used to clean stores on evenings and weekends on top of my full-time career just to make ends meet. I know a gal who does professional make-up for wedding parties on weekends. Many bartenders have a full-time gig on top of their bartending. How many actors/actresses wait on tables to pay the bills while working their craft?

A side hustle can be just as enjoyable as it can be profitable. Most importantly, it can be taking care of your needs and what’s best for you and your family.

As always, I’m here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!

Time to Get Away

Sat, 25 Jan 2020 20:14:00 GMT

Well, winter has finally reared its ugly head. It took awhile, but that doesn’t mean I have to love it. Though I live in Canada, I should be used to it by now, right? -20°C is not something anyone should ever really get used to. We just learn to deal with it really well. :)

With the most recent snowmaggedon and the incessant shovelling that followed, getting away from it all and relaxing my mind and body seems to be more appealing to me with each day that passes.

In one of my recent blogs, “ It’s a New Year, Time to Wipe the Slate Clean ”, I listed taking a vacation as one of the top ten ways to take care of yourself in the new year. As a result, I did some research to find budget-friendly locations that you too might enjoy to take your mind off the cold, Canadian “every day”. Here we go:

New Orleans – New Orleans is known for its colourful nightlife and incredible food. It really is an amazing place to hang your hat for a few days and let loose. In February, the typical high is around 19°C, and it’s fairly dry, with an average of 6 rainy days throughout the month. Great hotels are around the $150/night mark (though you can likely find cheaper if you hunt a little longer.) And, a return flight is about $500.
Jamaica – this one doesn’t need much of an explanation because... beaches! Oh, and the food in Jamaica is just unreal. And on a number of vacation websites, all-inclusive trips can be found for less than $1400 for the week.
Lisbon, Portugal – the culture and history in Europe is like no other place in the world. And Portugal has no shortage of history, amazing food, and the view, of course. Flights are relatively inexpensive, sitting at around $800 for a return flight to Toronto. Hotels can be incredibly affordable, as well. You can live like a queen (or king) for $140 per night. The average temperature in the winter is around 16°C, so although not balmy, it’s still a nice reprieve.
Greece – with its picturesque white stucco buildings and stunning blue roofs in seaside towns like Santorini, Greece is on the bucket list of many people. Flights into Athens can easily be found for about $675, while gorgeous hotels are available for $100 or less per night. It’s a tad chilly in winter, averaging around 10°C, but there’s still lots to see and enjoy.
Chile – Here’s somewhere that balmy weather can be found. Adventure and beachy weather, what could be better? In February, the average temperature is between 23° to 29°C, which is just amazing if you ask me. Flights to Santiago are reasonable, sitting around $900 return. And sure like anywhere, you can find expensive hotels, but it’s also not hard to find some that are sub-$100 in the heart of the city. It’s not close, but imagine trekking out to Easter Island while you’re there! What a dream to see.
George Town, Grand Cayman – It’s home to the most perfect beaches, tasty food, and NO all-inclusive resorts. You can snag a cheap return flight for $500, and find a reasonable AirBnB for $1000 for the week. Then, eat, drink, and enjoy yourself locally for no more money than you’d spend here at home. Oh, and if you go, make some time to take a cruise to Stingray City – it’ll change your life.
Bucharest, Romania – you wouldn’t typically find this on many travel lists, but it’s remarkably inexpensive and SO culture rich. I mean, Dracula’s castle (Bran Castle) in Transylvania is a cheap day trip from Bucharest ($75USD per person, and organized through most hotels, along with a host of other castles along the way.) The Radisson Blu is an extremely trendy hotel in the heart of Bucharest and is incredibly affordable at just $109 per night, and a return flight can be found for around $700.
Mexico City – Sure, this may feel like an obvious choice here, but hear me out. There’s a way to do Mexico without being a slave to the all-inclusive resorts that are littered with young, 20-somethings on spring break. Hotels can be found for less than $100 per night, which is certainly attractive. The weather is amazing year round, but in the winter season, the average is around 25°C. And while there, you’ll be able to experience some of the best homemade mexican food you’ll ever have! And a day trip out to Templo Mayor (a 13th-century Aztec temple) should definitely be on your docket.

Now that we’re in the new year, mental health and well-being should be at the top of anyone’s to-do list. Grabbing a friend, getting away and resetting yourself can be an incredibly rewarding experience. Someday soon I’ll tell you about the “Staycation” that I took shortly after my separation!

Have you visited somewhere affordable recently that we missed? What do you look for when you’re researching somewhere new to visit?

As always, I’m here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!

It’s a New Year, Time to Wipe the Slate Clean

Sat, 28 Dec 2019 20:26:00 GMT

2019 has really been a year of transition around the world. There have been MANY firsts as well as MANY finales.

The final Star Wars movie has just been released
An image of the Black Hole was finally unveiled
A stem cell transplant made the test patient’s HIV “undetectable”
China landed on the far side of the moon, the first time in history
Elton John embarked on an epic global farewell tour
Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris went up in flames
Donald Trump was the third president in US history to be impeached
Game of Thrones and The Big Bang Theory television series ended
We learned how to Tidy Up with Marie Kondo
Uber went public in May, starting at $45 per share

… and so much more. And 2019 is not just the end of a year, but it’s the end of a decade too. A lot has happened for us to celebrate and for us to mourn. But, what is important to remember going into 2020 is that a new year is an amazing opportunity for us to grow and reinvent who we are.

The marriage may have ended this year, or the divorce that had been dragging on may have been finalized, or perhaps this is your final New Year’s Eve as a married couple. Whatever the situation, 2020 is a year that could be all yours. Your relationship may be over, but your life is not.

And as cliche as it may sound, the new year is a brand new opportunity to reinvent yourself, your life, and your own mental and physical health. So here are some ways you can take care of yourself in the new year.

Make good choices for good health. You’d be surprised what this can do for every part of your life. Execute a nutritious meal plan with recipes and grocery lists. If you’re not a 5AM gym type of person, there are many ways to get more active. Go on walks after dinner, take the stairs instead of the elevator, take some classes… the list is endless. Eating well and being more active awakens you from the core, so your body and mind are all willing to accept change.
Avoid making excuses to be social, and say YES to everything. If there’s a concert you want to see, don’t make excuses – just go. I go to lots of concerts and plays alone and always meet someone new to chat with… or, I just enjoy the show if I want to be alone. If you’re invited to a get-together, say YES! You’ll never know if it’s a good time if you don’t go. Happy hour cocktails with co-workers? Try it once! If you go and hate it, leave. Just give it a shot though, you may surprise yourself.
Find a hobby. Perhaps crafting, sports, DIY projects at home, or something else will really tickle your fancy. Hobbies will exercise your mind and when you do something you genuinely enjoy, you’ll start to smile more. I love to quilt, and my first year alone I would make Saturday nights my night to pull out a quilt and a threaded needle, eat Kraft Dinner for supper, and binge watch Sex and The City. It was so therapeutic!
Clean and declutter! I wrote about this in extensive detail a few months ago here, but decluttering your life after divorce will do so much for your mind. Purging was a source of liberation and peace for me. You’ll likely find that too.
Volunteer. What you’re going through is a lot, and you’ll make it through with time. There are some people out there who are in need of your help – give it. Doing good for your community and getting out there to help others who need a hand will leave you feeling fulfilled too. Guaranteed. I started volunteering at Meals on Wheels to put my energy into something productive. I felt such joy that I’ve never left!
Understand your cash flow. Your finances may have taken a hit during the divorce process. The best way to start fresh this year is to write out a budget. Yes, that dirty word – budget. Figure out your expenses, areas where you can cut back, write out your financial goals, and put a plan together that works for you. It’s all about feeling empowered. Knowing where your money is going IS empowering. Don’t forget to save for that trip away – you’ve earned it!
Focus on your future. You may be a little bruised, but you are alive and have so many new things to look forward to. Put together a little vision board of what you want your life to look like – your future income, the places you will travel, the people you will meet, who you will date. In healing from divorce, I learned to let go of my former plans, and embrace new ones. My vision board had my future husband on it, my financial goals, my bucket-list trips, healthy relationships with my children, dancing lessons and more. It literally changed my life, seeing that vision board every day – it represented hope.
Try something new or something that scares you. 2020 is going to be a year of reinvention and repair. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” Simply put, fear is a bully! When you give in to it, it gains power. But, when you acknowledge fear and still move forward, you build courage. So, give it a shot. Try public speaking, or enter a marathon, or teach a class. To myself I always say, “Face your fear, then do it anyways”.
Work on your relationships. When you’re going through a life change, you get busy and overwhelmed. You may have been neglecting the wonderful people in your life. Spend this time really fostering those relationships and bringing them back to life. Play with your kids. Go for dinner with your sister. Honour your parents with a note. Show gratitude to your BFF who’s been there by your side through this journey.
Take a vacation. Whether you’re alone or with friends and/or family, get away. Sure, vacations are expensive, then do a “staycation”! There are many inexpensive ways to get away close to home, or even cheap island vacations if that’s more your speed. Get away, recharge, focus on you. Oh, and take me with you… it’s SO COLD!

I’ve been seeing a hashtag trending lately on social media: #2020Vision. I couldn’t love it more. This new decade is an opportunity for us to own our new lives, and become the best we possibly can be! We’ve seen a lot, we’ve been through a lot, now we can go into the new decade with a much more clear vision of what’s best for us.

As always, I’m here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!

Why I Changed Back to My Birth Name

Mon, 02 Dec 2019 20:40:00 GMT

I never thought I was attached to my maiden name before I got married. I was like most little girls – I couldn’t wait to someday find my “Prince Charming”, take on his name and have his children. My dreams were that of June Cleaver – caring for my family, making dinner every night, and being called “Mrs.” It never dawned on me to keep my birth name. I often thought that a bride who didn’t take her husband’s surname was being rebellious. I even wondered if the husband would be embarrassed.

My husband’s last name was long and complicated, hard to spell, harder to say, but donning it was tradition and I never questioned the tradition. At the time, I hadn’t even considered keeping my own last name. Yes, I was the traditional bride.

Changing my name was a long, arduous process, but I proudly stood in line to get my passport updated, my health card changed, along with my driver’s license and banking. Line by line, signature after signature I transformed from a “Miss” to a “Mrs”.

It took a bit of time after the wedding to get used to my new name; however, I would make light of the times I would accidentally sign the wrong name on a cheque or wouldn’t answer to my new name because it was still foreign to be referred to as a “Mrs.” Generally speaking, I settled right in, embracing my married name and my married life. All my dreams were coming true – or so I thought.

Divorce. It causes change in many ways, and one was whether to change my name or not. I had been “Mrs.” for 17 years. My children had the same last name, I had started a new career with this name, and it didn’t seem to make sense to go backwards. And yet, when he remarried there was a new “Mrs.” with the same last name. I felt like someone had taken my identity.

A new “Mr.” eventually came along and once again, being the traditional bride, I took on this new husband’s name. This name was easier to say, spell, and it replaced the old “Mrs.” with something new and fresh. It was soon tainted by divorce. My quandary – after such a brief marriage, do I keep the name? Do I go backwards to the former “Mrs.”? There was already another “Mrs.” with that name... there didn’t need to be two.

I kept the second “Mrs.” for seven years and never questioned again whether I should ditch it or not. After all, I paid a lot of money for that name. It had become my new professional name, and my daughters were marrying and taking on their new husbands’ names, so having the same last name wasn’t even necessary.

It was on a recent vacation that my eyes were opened to another option. While visiting my sweetheart’s sister in Europe for a few short days, I discovered that she kept her original birth name when she got married. It was part of the culture. The wife keeps her name, the children take on the husband’s name. So simple, so clean, such a brilliant idea! I was intrigued.

A week later, one of my best friends shared “I would have kept my ex’s name, just to have the same name as the kids. It would have ticked the ex-husband off and his newest wife, too. What I actually found though, was that when I went back to my birth name, I felt empowered and strong. I felt like myself again.” Was I crazy for considering this?

I met with a new friend recently for lunch. She knew I had been on a recent trip to my family’s country of origin and wanted to know more about it. I recounted my life-long dream – a journey “back home to my roots”. Detail after detail she got goosebumps as I told her the steps of my trip – finding an old castle ruins from the 1500s in my family name; a random lintel in the middle of the city with my family name inscribed in it; more than 40 names scribed in WW1 and WW2 records at a memorial. My family had served and sacrificed in the wars. There were more stories, and it was undeniable that my family had a rich history. There was much more to explore.

My new friend was compelling as she urged me to own my history. My birth name “has a story, it has culture and strength, the history that it has is something proud to carry”. I was undeniably moved.

I recently read a quote by Paulo Coelho: “when you say yes to someone, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.” Had I been saying “no” to my heritage?

I also reflected on why my divorces had happened in the first place – I had wanted a different life. My new life is beautiful and bountiful in love and acceptance. I couldn’t move forward on this new path with my old married names. This was about me going “home” and finding myself again.

After 30 years of carrying someone else’s identity and no longer being “Mrs.” to anyone, I have been inspired to move forward in my life, to take back my birth name, and embrace my “Ms.”

“No” Can Be One of the Kindest Words

Sun, 06 Oct 2019 16:38:00 GMT

In everyday life – not just divorce – putting ourselves first is a necessity. And it’s certainly not easy, especially when a spouse, children, a career, and family members are in the picture. But your own general well-being needs to be looked after because when you’re happy, everything around you is just better.

Saying “no” doesn’t mean that we are being mean or self-centred. What it means is that we’re taking ownership of our life, and we’re telling those around us that the narrative that they’re trying to bring upon us just doesn’t work for us. It’s wonderful to be there and supportive for our family and friends, and we really should be as much as we can. But sometimes, saying NO is exactly what YOU need for your own well-being.

Tony Robbins released a video earlier in 2019 entitled, “ The Power of Saying No ”.

He says, “‘No’ – it’s a small word that packs a lot of power. It carries with it an invisible force that can make it feel like overly oppressive, or even like a dirty word. We’re often taught that saying ‘no’ is a negative thing, that it hurts those around us and causes us to miss out on new, exciting opportunities. It’s no wonder so many people are uncomfortable saying it. But the truth is, when you say ‘no,’ you’re not saying ‘I hate you,’ and you’re not insulting someone, you’re simply exercising your right to say ‘no’. You’re respecting your feelings.”

That couldn’t be more accurate. We’re so conditioned to being accommodating to everyone around us that we start to feel bad when we have to turn others down. But that doesn’t make any sense, does it?

I’m not suggesting that you walk around and start yelling, “no, no, no!” to everyone. Practice a little moderation. As a people-pleaser, I remember the first time I said “no” to someone. I broke into a cold sweat, expecting the worst… and they actually didn’t mind. I had stepped into a new power and felt liberated! I have since found that it’s actually kind to say “no”. For most people, they simply ask for things as a request and hearing “no” has always been an option to them.

Do you ever get that nagging feeling when someone asks you for something or to do something for them? You say yes, but in your heart you really want to say no. They ask to borrow money, when they are financially irresponsible, to help with a relationship, when it’s already toxic, to give of your time when you know it’s going to affect your health or your family, to sacrifice something when you know it’s going to cost you. This is your opportunity to say “no” to bring positivity back to your own life. This is a moment where you have to say “no”, or you’ll risk being dragged down into a terrible situation yourself. That is being kind – believe me!

Your experience through divorce is not much different from this. Your mental health will be put to the test, so you have to ensure that you do as much as you can for your own best interest. It may come from your former spouse, his/her family, your children, your boss, your own family, or even your friends. Not saying “yes” to everything that’s thrown at you is ok.

Stop saying yes when you really want to say no. “Thank you for asking, but I really can’t take that on right now”, or “that’s not for me” are both perfectly fine answers. By saying yes to something you don’t want to agree to, you just end up feeling stressed and resentful.

Saying no – by doing this more often, you’ll learn to let go of the pain and bitterness that comes with these beliefs. In “ The Power of Now ” by Eckhart Tolle, he says that he believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. This could very well explain why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.

We need to be reminded that there will never be a time when life is simple. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful in divorce and beyond, too. It’s ok to do what YOU want in order to live your authentic life. A life that serves you. If that means you need to say no, feel confident and just say “no”.

And as always, I’m here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!

(Re)Start Your Life – On Your Terms

Thu, 22 Aug 2019 17:38:00 GMT

The other day I was spending time with my niece, Rachel. Six years ago, we had a conversation about goals, dreams, and finances. She was living at home, accumulating university debt, and was concerned for her future. I gave her a financial plan of action. We were revisiting that conversation the other day and today she is living on her own, has paid off her education, has substantial money in RRSPs, and has saved a respectable chunk of change to buy her first home.

During that conversation, it dawned on me how hard it was setting out on my own with three children, two jobs, no financial knowledge, and the fear that came with “will we be alright?” I learned a lot on my own and from other family and friends. So, I put it down in writing to share with you all, here.

Stay focused on the positives. Divorce has so many negative connotations (and rightfully so), but there really is a lot to be grateful for. While divorce is undoubtedly an end to something important in your life, it’s also a new beginning. Rather than mourning the changes in your financial situation, you may find it more impactful to focus your attention on rebuilding financially after divorce. When you start seeing financial success from your own plan and your own efforts, there is no better feeling. If you’d like to see more to be thankful for, you should check out my previous blog on gratitude and giving thanks .

Put yourself on a budget. Yup, I know – a dirty word. The end of a marriage can mean the end of fights over money and give you a new found freedom of control. You can’t control the fixed expenses (rent, car payment, insurance, etc.) but you can make a plan for what you spend on groceries, clothing and gifts, gas and auto repairs, vacations, entertainment, etc. I know that nobody WANTS this word in their vocabulary, but it’s the only way you will know how much you need to carry on with life.

Focus on the essentials. This really is a difficult time in your life, and some days it’ll be hard to keep your head above water. Protect yourself from crisis-mode spending and focus solely on the needs of your life – the basics of shelter, clothing, food, and transportation. Everything else will eventually come back into your life in time – getting your nails done, golf memberships, restaurant dinners, a new puppy.

Start RE-building a credit score. Get yourself a credit card with a small credit limit. Use it every month, never spending more than half of the credit limit allowed, and always pay the balance in full every month. Use this card strictly as a tool to build credit, not to go shopping. Eureka! No interest payments to worry about, but still building a fantastic credit score for your future!

Plan for the big purchases. People often use credit cards for large purchases they can’t afford to pay for outright, like new furniture. Instead of paying for these purchases on credit, put aside some money each month until you’ve saved up enough to buy it outright. Sit on a good used sofa, sleep on a mattress without the bed frame, do whatever it takes to save for the new one. If you can’t afford to save up for the purchase, then you can’t afford to buy it on credit. Kijiji is your friend!

Change beneficiaries and update your will. There is no better time to think about planning your estate than after a big life event. If you have children, you will want to update your will, but even if you don’t have children there are many estate planning issues that still apply to you. Update or create a power of attorney for healthcare and finances, living will, and other documents. A good friend of mine – a lawyer – once said “you are better to make a bad choice, than no choice.” I’ve changed my POA several times over the years, but for the beginning of this journey, just pick someone.

Invest in RRSPs. This may not have been the area of your marriage that you paid attention to, but you must force yourself to learn the basics. I read books, watched interviews, asked questions. I went through three financial planners before I found the one who turned my investment life around. You need someone you trust, who communicates regularly, and who knows what the heck they are doing. It’s never too late to start. In my 40s, I began with $50/month, then $25/week, then kept increasing it in increments. You won’t miss the money – truly you won’t, if you start with tiny bites. By making contributions now, you could still have more money at retirement than if you tripled the contribution in your 60s. It’s known as the compound effect!

Dream a new dream. One of the saddest parts of divorce is that the dream a couple always had is gone. Just because you and your spouse had dreamt of running a bar in Belize when you retired, doesn’t mean that is still your dream now. Dreams change and finding a new dream was my biggest challenge, believe it or not. Yet rebuilding my life after divorce was a great time to rethink what I wanted. What do YOU want? Think about switching careers, going back to school, finding a better work-life balance. Divorce is a great time for soul searching, re-evaluating your personal and professional life, and exploring what really is going to make you happy.

Two books that drastically changed my life, were David Bach’s “ Automatic Millionaire ” and Robert Gignac’s “ Rich is a State of Mind ”. Both books were very simple to read and understand, and BOTH drastically changed my mindset and my skillset.

I learned so many things through the process of starting over, mostly that I could move forward on my own. I now had the knowledge, I started to set goals, I began to believe in myself, and was dreaming again – a new dream, my dream.

Give Thanks During Divorce… Yes, Really.

Mon, 29 Jul 2019 17:49:00 GMT

Going through a divorce is not an easy feat. In fact, it will likely be a terrible experience (read our recent post about how to handle a less than cooperative partner in divorce ). And while you’re spending a lot of your time trying to keep your head above water, there are definitely things within the process that you could really be grateful for.

I’m not necessarily saying that you should start celebrating your divorce and planning a “Divorce Party” with all the single ladies you know (although there is nothing wrong with that!), but rather celebrating the small victories, which is a great way to stay positive through what is a relatively negative time.

Staying positive and giving thanks requires a lot more mind-power than you think. Our lives are just so busy, and we’re constantly running from home to work, from appointments to kids’ recitals, from soccer games to the washing machine… wash, rinse, repeat. And when we’re so frantically paddling trying to keep our heads above water, and with negativity looming everywhere, it’s so important to try extra hard to give thanks and celebrate the small stuff.

There is so much to be grateful for. Here are some ways to celebrate all the positivity, and give thanks in your life:

Start a journal. When I was going through my divorce, I read a book called The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. After reading it, I was inspired so I started writing. I was desperate to find one good thing in my day such that it could be salvaged. As time went on, it got easier and easier to find joy in the littlest things, and that would keep me focused on something beautiful rather than the ugly parts of my life. It has now become a part of my life. Every day I still verbalize one thing that I am truly grateful for. Five minutes is all it takes. Actively practicing gratitude helps you change your mindset.

#100happydays. I took the challenge and put my life out on social media. Every day, I posted something that made me happy about that day. Some days felt nearly impossible. Through this process though, it inspired others in my life take the challenge to account for the next 100 days of their life. One friend focused on healthy foods and exercise for 100 days and achieved weight loss. Another took up the challenge while looking for a job and eventually succeeded in finding one that brought fulfillment to her. Looking back, it was cathartic.

Gratitude jar. If you’re someone who needs a visual reminder, try turning your journal into a jar. When you jot down what you are grateful for that day, slide that piece of paper into a jar. As the weeks go on, your jar will fill up quickly – giving you a daily visual reminder of all that’s wonderful in your life.

Say “thank you”. It’s a funny little thing that happens in your brain when you thank others more often. You automatically start to realize that there actually is so much to be grateful for. When people hold a door open, or pick up something you dropped, or simply saying “bless you” when you sneeze, you’ll learn that the words “thank you” will come out of your mouth more often than you ever thought possible. And you’ll see that even the small things in life are wonderful.

Be kind. Practicing niceties will bring cause to gratitude and force you to look outward. Be extremely polite to customer service staff – they go through a lot; thank your cab driver if possible; put your phone down, look up, and hold the door for someone; be on time; be responsible for the vibe you bring to the table; embrace and support someone’s idea; acknowledge and validate other people; and signal your intentions as a cyclist or driver. You could be the kind smile that someone needed that day.

When you’re having time to yourself, it’s easy to look at your divorce and think about everything you’ve lost. That’s obvious, sure. But try to look at what you have, rather than what is gone. You’ll very quickly learn that you have a lot more than you think.

There’s a great book called A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life by a lawyer named John Kralik. He was going through a tough time as his firm wasn’t doing well, he was undergoing a strenuous divorce, and his health was struggling. He found himself writing a thank you letter every day for a full year. Slowly, over time, everything started to change for the better. It’s really a remarkable read if you have some time.

I’m always here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!

Decluttering Your Life After Divorce

Tue, 16 Jul 2019 21:32:00 GMT

Decluttering and sorting was harder than I thought it would be. Holding things and remembering the memories… “maybe it’ll fit me one day”, “what if I need it later?”, “I’m going to fix that someday”, “we worked hard to save for this”. It was incredibly emotional. We seem to hang on to some things because we’ve had them since we were kids and can’t imagine letting them go – never using them, but just moving them with us over and over again. Other things we hold on to because we got them as wedding gifts, bought on our vacation, or acquired from assorted auctions that we went together to bid on. They aren’t simply things, they’re memories.

My first marriage ended over a decade ago. I wanted so many of the things that we were arguing over, yet left behind more than I took. Fast forward to today: not one of those items taken remains in my life. The sentimental or monetary value suddenly dissipated and became a reminder of the past in a way that I didn’t enjoy, and I felt a new weight from dragging them around. Purging has become a source of liberation and peace for me. Freedom.

Sweeping Up the Broken Glass

It’s an appropriate way to describe the feelings after a purge. Old clothes are donated to Goodwill, making room for new ones. Bone China that was used only at Christmas is sold on Kijiji – for a fraction of the investment – giving me an empty cupboard. Broken items are left by the side of the road and are now someone else’s treasure. The old bed looks incredible with a new coat of paint and a new mattress. Investment pieces are given away. You know, the thing you saved so long for – let’s face it, the money is spent and you had a time of enjoyment from this item. It doesn’t owe you anything. Taking a piece from the famous Marie Kondo, if it doesn’t bring you joy, let it go. Piece after piece, item after item gave me the feeling of walking on feathers. I took photos of the things I thought I loved and couldn’t believe I was parting with so I wouldn’t forget them. Even then, after time had passed, I found I didn’t even need the photos anymore.

It does get easier over time, but admit I had to call in the troops for help and concentrated focus at times. In the meantime, I found a hidden box of chocolates, so there’s that.