A Home of Her Own, Part 2 of 2
Last month, I shared how my client Sarah bought her first home after her separation: the budget, the pre-approval, the beautiful house she walked away from, and the tricky timing with her Separation Agreement. This time I want to talk about what she learned along the way, because those lessons will do more for you than any interest rate tip I could offer.
I’ve walked through divorce twice myself, so there were parts of Sarah’s experience I understood on a very personal level. Different story, different circumstances - but some of the fears, lessons and growing pains were very familiar.
1. You don't need to understand everything on day one
After my first separation, I sat with investment statements and budgets that I suddenly had to understand myself, and I cried over them more nights than I'd like to admit. With some good books, a patient financial advisor and plain stubbornness, the numbers stopped reading like a foreign language. I never became an expert, but I became informed enough to run my own life.
Sarah had always handed financial decisions to someone else, usually her spouse or family. Divorce took that option away. "I was forced to become financially informed because there was no one there for me to defer decision making to," she said. "When you are pushed to the edge with no other option, it's incredible how quickly you can adapt."
Start where you are. Admit what you don't know, and find people who will explain it without talking down to you.
2. Independent doesn't mean alone
Sarah had a financial planner, a legal team, a mortgage professional who stepped in when the bank didn't come through, and family and friends she called "a soft place to land on my hardest days." She made every decision herself, with good people around her while she made them.
When legal, financial and real estate decisions overlap, the order you make them in matters as much as the decisions. A good team tells you when to slow down and which question needs answering first. Ask your questions, and ask them twice if you need to. Anyone who makes you feel foolish for wanting to understand your own money doesn't belong on your team.
3. Confidence comes in small pieces
Nobody wakes up fearless. Sarah described each small decision as "a stepping stone to bigger decisions." Choosing a planner, then a budget, then a neighbourhood, then a house. By the time she signed her offer, she had a trail of good calls behind her proving she could make one more.
4. Most of what you're dreading won't happen
When I asked Sarah what she would do differently, she didn't mention money or paperwork. "I would want to worry less," she said. Most of what kept her up at night never happened, or was far milder than she had pictured, including the big one: how on earth she would manage all of this by herself with two kids in tow.
I can't promise your worries won't come true. I can tell you that the version of a problem you imagine at 3 a.m. is almost always worse than the one you end up handling.
5. Budget for the transition, then make peace with it
Legal fees, moving costs, furniture, a second set of everything the kids need. Money can leave your account quickly during a divorce, and watching it go can be frightening. Build these costs into your plan so they don't ambush you. Then remind yourself, as Sarah did whenever her balance dipped: “It's a small price to pay for peace.”
6. The hard part is where you change
Early on, I told Sarah what I tell a lot of my clients: "Divorce is hard, but it will be the making of you if you let it." I say it because I've watched it happen many times, including to me.
Sarah put it her own way. "The strength to do this was always inside of me, but it took completely cracking open for that part of me to be able to come forward."
What she'd tell you
I asked Sarah what she would say to a woman about to do this for the first time. Here is her answer:
"Future you, six months from now, is so proud of the woman you are today, and she can't wait to meet you on the other side. It's going to be okay. I know you don't believe me yet, but it will."
And then:
"Find the lesson. Look inward. Ask for help. There is no shame in doing so. Build your support system."
Sarah is in her new house now, with boxes still to unpack and a front window waiting for its first Christmas tree. If you're about to begin your own search and aren't sure what needs to happen first, I’d be happy to help you sort out the order of the decisions. I’ve walked this road myself and know where most of the potholes are!
The information provided on this website does not, and is not intended to, constitute legal advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only. Views expressed are my own. Please consult a lawyer for advice on legal matters.
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