Divorce is personal. It is also very different for everyone.

Each of my divorces was different. One was quickly settled out of court, the other lasted years and in court. I’ve worked with divorcing couples where one Ex only wanted what was best for the other (to the point where I wondered why they were divorcing!) to where one Ex put up roadblock after roadblock in the sale of the marital home.

We would all prefer the first scenario, where cooperation is foremost, and each side works towards a win-win. But the reality is, divorces are emotional, often initiated by one party, and can dramatically affect the lives of those involved. This can create tension and cause one party to act out and fight the process.

When this happens, understand that you can’t control how your spouse will react throughout the process of separation and divorce, but there are ways to mitigate the tension and make it through to the other side. Remember though, regardless of their actions they ultimately cannot prevent the separation or divorce from happening.

Put everything in writing. We all know the phrase “love is blind”. It implies that love can make someone overlook or ignore their partner’s flaws or negative qualities. In a divorce, those ‘rose-coloured glasses’ have come off and the opposite can be true. Your partner may focus on all the negative things you’ve said or done, even to the point of exaggeration or making things up. To avoid having your words or actions used against you, make sure everything you say and do is dated and well-documented during the entire process.

Talk it out. Whether with a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist, it’s important to talk things out with someone. Don’t keep everything locked up inside. It will only harm you. Even if that person can’t relate personally to what you’re going through, the process of purging your thoughts and emotions without judgement can be very healing. 

Community Support. Divorce is not a quick process – it is a journey. DivorceCare™ is an organization that offers judgement-free support to those who need a safe place to heal. You can look for a local chapter here https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup.

Compromise. This isn’t going to work out 100% in either party’s favour. It never does. Meeting halfway on some things (or 70/30 in some cases) will show good intentions to resolve issues. Pick your battles and be realistic. I left more than I took in both divorces to help the whole process go smoother.

Be clear in communication. Just like putting everything in writing, don’t leave anything to the imagination. Be clear with your wants and expectations and urge your spouse to do the same. 

Try to keep yourself mentally strong. There are going to be many ups and downs throughout the divorce process. It can be hard to see someone you once loved act out and say things in ways that hurt you. Keep up with exercise routines, eat a healthy diet, meditate, and connect with friends and family. All of these things will help to keep you mentally strong.

Give yourself time. Separation and divorce take time. Lots of it. Set yourself realistic expectations about a process that may take months, and when one party is uncooperative, sometimes years.

Maintain restraint. With emotions running high, it can be easy to start name-calling, or acting out against your former spouse. Restraint is the key, especially if there are children in the picture. Even if your Ex is acting poorly, you’ll be able to look back and know that you refrained and were mature through the entire process. It will set a good example for your children and one day they will appreciate you for it.

Hire professionals. Work with divorce professionals including family law lawyers, mediators, counsellors and Realtors® like myself who are certified in divorce real estate. They are skilled and trained to help neutralize tough situations to ensure that everything is done legally and as efficiently as possible.

Finally, remember to focus on the present and the future. What’s important right now is moving forward. Don’t dwell on the past or what could have been. Focus on taking a step forward and starting your new life. There is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror – the road ahead is more important than the one behind.