I would fight for them, but I wouldn’t fight over them. I may not have liked the situation, but I knew at least they were safe with their father, so I prayed, and I waited patiently.

A few years later, they became too much for my ex to handle and he sent the girls back my way. During those away years, my relationship with my children was strenuous at best. One was rebellious, one was angry, and one was depressed.

Divorce affects children in different ways and for teenagers, it can be especially hard. The teenage years are enough of an emotional rollercoaster on their own, where even small obstacles can be seen as catastrophic events.

Teens tend to make rash emotional decisions, which can result in them taking a side when their parents break up. They need to rationalize the hurt, and laying blame on one party is a way to do that.

This makes it hard for the shut-out parent to connect and reconcile with their child(ren) - especially if that child is being fed exaggerated or partially fabricated stories from the other parent. Unfortunately, children can get caught in the middle and be used by one parent to hurt the other. Sometimes this is done consciously, but often it can be done unconsciously or unintentionally by the way one spouse interacts with the other.

It’s often through the lens of pain.

As the estranged parent, what do you do? You can’t force a relationship with your kids, especially teenagers. It’s a hard enough age as it is.

You can’t give up and hope that one day they will come around. This can leave your children exposed to only one side of the story and the longer they are exposed to this side, the more it will become the only story.

For me, it was important to try to keep the lines of communication and contact open, in whatever way I could. For instance, my son would come over on holidays and just sit in the corner and put in time. But one day, when he was a young man, we had it out. And after many words, accusations, and tears, we purged our hurts and we’ve been close ever since. 

My one daughter lives away but calls me regularly to update me on her life, calls for advice or just a pick-me-up on lonely days. My other daughter even had me stand up with her on her wedding day – such an honour!

I never gave up. I became a judgement-free zone and a safe place to come and vent. I loved them in spite of their feelings for me. As I evolved, they started to see me – the real me – without the veil of pain, anger and stories they were told.

But I did lose some years. And while that still stings a bit, I take solace in the fact that I have a wonderful relationship with all of my children now. In fact, it’s probably stronger than it might have been had I stayed in my marriage because I’m such a different person now. Much stronger, independent and happier than I’ve ever been.

It was worth the wait. 

I was talking to a friend recently who was going through something similar with his kids. He’d been estranged from them for years but listening to my story and seeing my relationship with my kids now, gave him hope so he never gave up.

He’s now starting to renew his relationship with his children because he kept trying. As his children have gotten older, they’ve realized that there are two sides to the story and that maybe not everything they were told was true.

I guess the lesson here is about not giving up if your children take a side in divorce. It’s hard and it’s painful and even if it takes years, they will (hopefully) come around. But you need to keep trying and keep the lines of communication open as best you can. 

Because even if they don’t want to hear your side of the story now, at some point they will be ready. Let them know you are always there for them and ready to talk when they are.