When two people divorce, the aftershock can spread far and wide, especially if they have been together for many years. Often, it’s not just a spouse they are losing, but a circle of friends they shared. Some of those friends will take a side, while others will remain, or attempt to remain, neutral. Some just don’t know how to handle it at all, so they simply leave.

If you have a friend going through a divorce, whether or not you’ve “picked a side”, it can be challenging to know what to do or say. I’ve heard some say, “I’m so sorry” and others say, “Good for you!”. As someone who has gone through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, I’ve experienced the loss of friendships and community and experienced the blessing of friends who were there to help me through it.

Here are some of the ways my friends helped me when I was going through my divorce:

Just being there.

In a divorce, a lot of emotions are processed - from guilt to anger, sadness to grief. People process these emotions differently and having someone to talk it out helps that process. You don’t have to have all the answers or give advice – that’s often preferred. It just helps to have someone there to know you are not alone. I had a girlfriend that would just let me vent and process. She heard the same stories over and over again, and just let me say it all until I didn’t need to anymore. That process of purging my thoughts and emotions without judgement was very healing.

Providing support and shelter.

When I divorced after 17 years of marriage, I had no credit and I was just starting a new career. As I was sorting out what to do, a friend offered me a rental property she had vacant, lease free for as long as I needed. Offering me a safe place to stay with my children meant the world to me and is something I will never forget. And while grand gestures are not necessary or always needed, sometimes it’s just little things that make a big difference. 

Cook a meal, bring over some groceries, help clean the house, offer to watch the kids while they run some errands or help them pack if they’re moving. Things that they might have relied on their partner for are things they might need help with but are afraid to ask for. Letting them know they still have someone to rely on goes a long way. I personally needed help in practical ways. Being allowed to “borrow” a friend’s handy husband to install a light fixture or repair the shower rod or install a new faucet was incredibly important to me. Even having the driveway shoveled after a big snowfall was a massive help.

Staying connected.

Going through a divorce, you don’t always feel very social and going out with friends can be too much to bear at times. Some people will leave you alone or feel awkward about inviting you out to “have fun” when you are not in a good space. The friends that make a difference are the ones that ask you out anyway, no matter how many times you say no. Because, at the very least, it keeps you connected. As a divorcing individual, you already feel self-judgement, and those invites make you feel wanted and accepted. And if today you don’t feel like socializing, tomorrow you might.

So, keep asking them out and be there for the long term. Because even after the worst is over, they are still on their own. Keep showing up.